the Hang Ups
by kelsey.deanx3
Summary: One year, six days, eleven hours, ten minutes and ten seconds. The month of June has it out for Sadie Grant and James Diamond. But, when they're finally reunited, there's more than a list of rules keeping them apart. the Benefits sequel. James/OC
1. everyone's feelings

**author's note**: _i'm baaacccckkkk._

welcome to _the Hang Ups_, so justly titled as a "hang up" is _to cause or have emotional disabilities or inhibitions_. it's the first sequel i've ever written, i'm beyond excited for it, because all my sexual reviewers and because i love the relationship between Sadie and James. i literally never want to stop writing them. so, here goes. i hope you babes love it, because i'm in love with you.

read on!

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR.  
>2012 will be kind to you, babes.<p>

**review question**: how was your holiday season?  
><strong>disclaimer<strong>: i don't own big time rush.

_the Hang Ups__  
><em>chapter one  
>everyone's feelings.<p>

He was so painfully aware of the erection in his pants, when James Diamond woke up, that he almost wanted to cry. He felt like a prepubescent version of himself, helplessly laying in his bed contemplating masturbating or just taking a cold shower. He groaned, his head underneath a pillow. James wasn't normally one to ignore an erection, but he had to be in the studio in thirty minutes, and Kendall would no doubt barge in and remind him. He wasn't prepared to face that awkward situation, not after the night he had. One blonde, a brunette, and a girl with what James remembered having pink hair - but he was too drunk to think straight by the time he'd struck out with her. For the most part, the club he and Kendall went to was a blur, but he knew that he went to bed alone, despite his best efforts. It was the biggest blow to his ego, and he'd had a relationship with Sadie Grant.

He blamed her for most everything. His lack of concentration, in work and day to day tasks. Last week, he'd nearly cut off his finger trying to make dinner for himself and Kendall. He also blamed Sadie for his current hatred for the guy he'd considered his best friend for basically his whole life. Kendall was getting laid, Kendall had relationships, Kendall was happy. Not to say James was miserable, he wasn't. But Kendall was living the life of a bachelor, the life James - at twenty-one - wished he had. James also wished he could forget Sadie, it was the only thing he thought about. Forgetting Sadie Grant. He only hoped his life could be as simple as a Jason Segal movie, but it was anything but. He was growing up, and beyond that, James was starting to realize that life wasn't always sunshine and fucking daisies. Life was a bitch.

Mostly, he spent his days browsing the internet. He watched videos on YouTube like it was crack, different movies on Netflix. If he wasn't doing that, he was at the gym. And when the guys convinced him to go out and actually be social, James obliged and put on his best to mingle. It was the least exciting his life had ever been, when it should have been the exact opposite. Summer was approaching, or it was here. He wasn't too clear on the official day, but either way it was going to be a good one, he knew it would be. Something inside James groin promised him that. Thinking he was past wet dreams and morning wood, James pulled himself from his bed and scurried as fast as one could to his bathroom across the hall.

The shower blared, like one million pebbles hitting his head. James didn't think he'd be this hung over, but he had to drink to get through the night of never-ending rejection. With another, strained, held out groan, James stepped inside the cool water and just breathed, standing with his hand bracing himself against the wet shower wall. He closed his eyes for the longest time, just letting every thought pass by without dwelling on them. Should he make coffee? Should he even bother putting thought into what he was going to wear today?

This was the moment, James always thought, that he knew his life needed a swift kick in the balls. He needed change, to turn around his current, dubbed hopeless, situation. It was that moment when you reflect and you think, "Well, fuck, this is my life now." James guessed he had until his forties before that moment actually hit him, but, like always, he was wrong in assuming.

However, with all the said, as jumbled as his thoughts were, James was sick of feeling sorry for himself. He was tired of moping and whining and not getting laid as often as he'd like. He was tired of relying on Sadie for his happiness, because she was not putting out in any sort of way. She left him, and James needed to get over it.

Today was the day. His mission? The studio. The grocery store. Forget about fucking Sadie Grant.

James felt too much like an adult, in this moment. The elevator music version of a familiar song played throughout the nearly barren grocery store. He pushed his cart down aisle after aisle, humming along mindlessly and picking up different soups, cereals and - he and Kendall's favorite - Ramen Noodles. They'd adopted a healthy diet, moving out on their own; living like poor college kids by choice. He sighed, squeezing between a woman's children, their cart and the other side of the aisle. This was supposed to be Kendall's job. James did the laundry, Kendall got the food. But, of course, he'd found a way out of it, just like he'd find a way out of his end of the deal - doing the laundry for the next two weeks. James often thought if he'd made the right roommate choice, Logan and Carlos didn't have these problems, but he honestly could only see himself living with one other person, happily. He wished, every day, that he didn't still think about her as much as he did. But, she was still just as much a part of him as she ever was. Sadie Grant would never leave James' head, his thoughts or his heart, and it was beyond unfortunate.

He went on dates, occasionally, and most of them ended in sex - but that was it. It was sex. Pure, unadulterated sex. And while, at one point in his life, that was all James wanted, he needed something more. Mental stimulation, for one. Hollywood was full of beautiful girls, but it was also full of beautiful bimbos who had nothing more intelligent to talk about than the latest Kardashian fiasco. Needless to say, James wasn't too happy with his situation. The boys were back in the studio, writing and recording and keeping themselves busy. It took up most of his time, and he was glad for that, but Gustavo was starting to get annoyed with James' lyricism. Broken hearted ballads, "I'm getting over you" dance anthems. While some of them were good, most of them consisted of Sadie's name, so they were deemed unusable. It was when James suggested naming the whole album after her that everyone decided they needed a little break.

So, here he was. Shopping, like a fucking grown up, at the corner grocer for Ramen, Pop Tarts and Red Bull. He didn't know why he bothered getting a shopping cart, it was practically empty. He could hear the sliding doors behind him open, something crashing, an eruption of giggling and a quick apology, but James ignored it, singing, "_If it isn't love, why do I feel this way_."

The giggling continued and a circuit in James' mind flicked on. He raised an eyebrow, was that what he thought it was? He'd heard that laugh before, a million times before. While watching Megan Fox tear apart boys, or Bradley Cooper try to find his friend in Las Vegas. It was so recognizable to him, but he shook his head. It was the song, the song finally clicked and he was thinking of her because of it. Still, his conscience got the best of him, and James had to prove himself wrong. He didn't turn to look, but he crept to the end of the aisle and peeked down the neighboring one, hidden behind a display of Lucky Charms. There were two girls, picking up cereals and still laughing. It couldn't be, and it wasn't.

They both had incredibly short hair, one blonde and straight, with bright, blue eyes. But the one he was looking at, the one all his focus was on couldn't have been who he thought it was. Her hair was barely to her shoulders, dark and impossibly curly. If James knew anything about _her_, it was that she loved her hair too much to chop it off. It bounced, like _hers _always did, the girl in the store, but there was something off about it. He caught a glimpse of the side of her face and James was trying his best to be inconspicuous. Her lips were painted red, her make-up reminded him of a 1940s glamour girl. She looked absolutely beautiful, but that wasn't what sold him.

His eyes wandered, down and down, and then fell upon something unmistakable. Those jeans, and not just the jeans, what was packed in them. James smirked, holding onto the tower of cereal. She lifted her arms over her head, stretching. The short, cropped top she wore lifted and revealed the tattoo James had seen so many times. It _was _her. But James had only a moment to revel in the moment, and as the Leprechaun's came hurdling towards him, what he thought to be true was confirmed completely. Both girls looked at him, the one with her back to him smirking and laughing. James scrambled to stand up, brushing off his clothes and looking directly at her, "Sadie."

She smirked at him, her bright lips lifting only on the right side, and her voice came out like a song. "James Diamond."

How in the fuck was she being so casual. James didn't know, completely, if he wanted to sock her in the face – as her best friend – or kiss her – as her hopelessly devoted, Sandy in Grease ex-boyfriend. So he just stared at Sadie for a moment, before she raised that perfectly sculpted eyebrow underneath her bangs. James shook his head, bringing himself back to the conversation he'd planned for the last year, then something else came out, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Missed you too, James." Sadie scoffed, smirking. James hated her more than he ever thought he could, just then. She was reverting back, Sadie was herself – the version he'd originally met. And, while he loved that, he admired that part of her, James wanted Sadie three months in. James wanted his girlfriend, Sadie. "If you must know –"

"I think I have a fucking right to know, Sadie." The girl she was with, James didn't recognize, but she stepped towards her – almost protectively – at that comment. James couldn't handle to chicks at once, outside of the bedroom.

"Christ, James. Why do you have to be so hostile?" Sadie bit, glaring right back at him. She felt uncomfortable, enough, she wasn't about to let James act like a total dick. Sadie Grant was better than that. She was different than James remembered, more than just her hair had changed. In his defense, however, James had every right to be pissed at Sadie – even hate her – and she knew that. She just didn't expect him to actually _be_ like _this_. This was James, circa their break up. Sadie wanted James, her boyfriend. James Diamond, the playboy who was a God in the sack, but had the biggest heart. She shoved her hands in her back pockets and regained her casual composure, though she knew it was making James all the more livid, "I wanted to tell you."

"Tell me what? That you were just going to pack up and leave before I got back?" James scoffed, "Or that you decided to come back?"

"Honestly, both. But, you're a hard popstar to reach, anonymously. And, you were right, I'm too chicken shit to admit anything." She hoped that would lighten the mood of the conversation that took an immediate turn for the worst.

"You said you knew, Sadie." James tone was quieter, because he knew the girl behind his girl was tuning in like they were a fucking One Tree Hill rerun. He was almost offended. He didn't know this chick, and even if Sadie did, she had no right to be standing there with the same proud smirk Sadie normally wore, "Who is this?"

Sadie turned, looked at the blonde, then shrugged at James, "My roommate, Allie. She's a psych major at UCLA."

"You're at UCLA?" James titled his head back.

"It's no NYU, but they've got a pretty killer dance program." Sadie explained, a hand running through her hair. She wished this was different. She wished she'd had the courage to call him months ago, but her own confidence tended to betray her when she needed it the most. "And, before you say it, I know what you're thinking. I'm a sellout, yeah."

James' expression softened, "Not at all. I'm…good for you, Sades."

Her head jolted up at that. Her old nickname sounded so foreign, but painfully familiar. She smiled a bit and nodded, "Thanks."

It fell silent for a second. It seemed like the entire grocery store was empty, but James and Sadie and they didn't dare ruin that. For that moment, they were _them_. They were together, _together_. He looked down at his shopping cart, the white-knuckled hold he had on the bar seemed a bit crazy now that he'd calmed. But James didn't loosen it, he just shook his head, "Sadie, I don't want to do this here."

"Do what?"

"We're going to have to work this out, you know?" James looked back up, his hair in his eyes. He knew what Mamma Knight would say, that he needed a hair cut, which is one of the many reasons he was happy to not be living with her anymore, despite how much he loved her. "I'm not about to have a conversation like that in a grocery store."

"James."

"Sadie, it's unavoidable."

"Don't force this on me, alright. I'm…" She breathed, "I'm not ready to go back to _this_." Her hand gestured between them and James' chest fell. What the fuck was happening. This was destroying his checklist for the day and he was pissed about it. Ten minutes ago, Sadie Grant was in Maine – at least to James. And now, now she was standing here, rejecting him so casually. He fucking hated her; he hated her so much he loved her. It didn't make sense, and James had yet another reason to be pissed. This day was not ending well. Sadie continued, "I'm happy, I'm moving on. I have friends." She pointed to Allie, "Real friends. And, I'm not stressing. We just…need to ease our way into whatever is going to happen."

"Yeah?" James laughed, bitterly, glaring back at Allie who looked at him over a box of Captain Crunch, "What is that, exactly?"

"Well, the inevitable conversation you preach of." Sadie smiled, "I'm trying to be mature about this, because I do want to be friends with you, James, honestly. I just can't do that now. I can't see you now."

"How much fucking time do you need, Sadie?" James didn't much appreciate the feeling that he was the only one fighting for this. He tilted his head back in exasperation, "It's been a _fucking_ year. Do you know how fucking miserable I've been?"

He sounded pathetic, and Sadie knew that if she was sharing how she felt – just like James was – she'd spew out the same exact words. Because she was miserable. Sadie was dying inside, because she wanted nothing more than to be able to jump back into their relationship and pretend like she hadn't fucked up. But if the therapy Sadie's parents forced her into over the summer taught her anything, it was that she needed to pace herself, she had to keep herself at a steady pace. Mentally, emotionally. Sadie sighed, "I'll text you, James. I've got to go."

And then she left. Sadie just left James, again, and he didn't know if he was more upset being abandoned in a cereal isle or whilst on tour. Either way, he was furious. Sadie had to know it wasn't over for him, because James knew it wasn't over for her. James was a Sadie Grant, card carrying expert, damn it. He sighed, picked up a box of Cocoa Puffs and chucked it into his cart, watching as Sadie pulled Allie out of the aisle and out of the store.

The blonde sat in the drivers seat of her Sedan, hands at 10 and 2 like a damn responsible driver, "So, does being mature include not telling him you're in a committed relationship, or does that fall under another category."

Sadie glared at her friend, "Shut the fuck up, Allie. That was difficult enough, alright? I don't need your shit."

"And PJ doesn't need yours, Sadie." Allie sighed, "Look, I don't doubt you when you say James is a great guy, I never did. But he's baggage, that's all. You don't have a future with him. And, you know, maybe you don't have a future with PJ either, but you owe it to him and you owe it to James –"

"Allie, the psycho babble needs to cease. Shit, my fucking luck," Sadie groaned, "I get roomed with a fucking shrink-in-training."

Allie laughed, quietly and pulled onto the highway. She glanced at Sadie out of the corner of her eye. Sadie smiled back and chuckled. But, when their easy laughs stopped, Sadie's head was pressed against the glass window of the green Sedan and her mind was on fire. She couldn't stop thinking, not that anyone could. And not that she wanted to. Because, in the recesses of Sadie Grants mind was James Diamond, where he always stayed. She saw him at the Palm Woods, in the pool, at the park, in her apartment and she felt her heart skip multiple beats. Sadie's flashbacks would be ideal for a Taylor Swift video and it was killing her.

She wasn't what he wanted anymore, because Sadie was hardly Sadie. Her shrink had her on medications, plural. It was like she was a shell. Sure, Sadie was ever-sarcastic and hopelessly hard-headed, but she wasn't nearly as standoffish or bitchy. Sadie made friends easily, she wasn't only after sex and Sadie had PJ Tomley. Their relationship was normal, a normal healthy courtship that she could handle, because PJ was a gentleman.

But, within that relationship, she knew she wasn't over James. Because, PJ wasn't PJ's actual name, no, of course not. PJ stood for Patrick James. _James_. She couldn't escape it, him. But she was trying, and that's all she could do. Patrick James Tomley made Sadie Noelle Grant's shell happy as it could be.

Still, it had been said before.

She knew.

Sadie _knew_.

James? He _knew_.

Nothing was over. And even if Allie didn't see it, James was Sadie's only future.


	2. and so it goes

**author's note: **holy fucking shit. I got eighteen reviews. EIGHTEEN REVIEWS AND IT'S JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER. you, beautiful babes, are seriously the best. muchos, MUCHOS GRACIAS.

It's a new year, we're all a bit more mature. But that's not going to stop us from loving Jadie sexy time, right? I hope to JAMES MASLOW not. (:

this chapter is greatly inspired by every Vertical Horizon song ever written…actually, just "Everything You Want"

A bit of a warning, this chapter gets a bit long, sad and sort of dark. But I swear to Maslow that it only gets better from here. We just gotta show some raw emotion, babes. RAW. EMOTION.

and I apologize for posting this at 5 in the morning. while a wonderful Gwen Stefani song, it's not the proper time to post chapters. my time management skills are shot to hell, babes.

**review question**: would you guys still love me if I wasn't so damn attractive?  
><strong>disclaimer<strong>: i don't own big time rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter two  
>and so it goes.<p>

If Sadie learned anything from her summer - filled with feeling crazy, going to shrinks and working at the least successful Crab Shack in Maine, which was saying something - it was that she had a serious addiction. And, suffice to say, it surprised not only Sadie, but her family and the greater part of Bathe, Maine that the addiction wasn't sex or making people miserable - both, she boasted, she was amazing at. Sadie, as Doctor Shannon told her, was addicted to making people love her. And, if that weren't awful enough, that addiction was followed up by another, not so surprising habit. Sadie pushed people, she pushed them until the fought back or just left. And she thought about that every night. It ran through her head like the Kentucky Derby, every past relationship she had, how she sabotaged it. But it was always James, in the end. It was always his face she saw before she fell asleep, because Sadie knew that, if she so desired to attempt, she could mend the relationships before him. But if there was anything in this world she was unsure of - outside of her seemingly picture perfect infatuation with PJ Tomley - it was if she could fix what she did to James.

And Sadie wanted to fix it.

James wasn't settling for this shit, he just wasn't. He might have seemed crazy, but he waited a whole year for her. One year, six days, eleven hours, ten minutes and ten seconds, he'd waited like an idiot for Sadie to just run back to him. James Diamond was transformed like Optimus Prime into some form of a hopeless romantic and it was killing him, almost literally. Then, he saw her at the grocery store, of all the places in the world. She'd been in L.A., she'd been within 500, not even, 50 miles of him for one year and didn't fucking bother to call him, text him, send him a damn messenger pigeon. He hated Sadie Grant so much. James sincerely hated her. But, damn it all, if he was so in love with her, that might actually matter.

Kendall slid a bowl over to James, the ceramic against the granite was painful to his ears. He thanked him and reached for the box of Lucky Charms he had to buy last night, after damaging the box. Kendall munched his own breakfast, watching James carefully, "Can I ask what happened or are you gonna be a moping dick all day."

"Fuck you, Kendall." James grumbled.

"Alright." Kendall nodded, setting his dishes in the sink, "We have to be at the studio in one hour. You should…bathe, be less visually offensive."

James hung his head and gave a sigh, "It's Sadie."

"Damn it, James. I thought you were over this. It's been a fucking year, man." Kendall groaned, his head tilted back and his eyes closed, like it was hurting him. James glared at him for a second, but tall, blonde and eyebrows continued, "Look, she's over you. Why can't you just get over her." James started to say something. "I know, she said _she knew_, but James, honestly. I know things, too. I know that this shit is getting old. One year, too old."

James just said, as cool, calm as a cucumber, and locking his gaze on the beige wall in front of him, "I saw her last night."

"What do you mean you saw her?"

Kendall probably thought he was crazy. James knew he did. He hated all the things he knew, hated the word, "knew". Everything it meant to him now was shit. Her nonchalance was shit. His spoon scraped against the bottom of the bowl and he let the cereal fall off of it before scooping more up, "At the grocery store. She was with some chick…Allie? She looked…amazing, fucking happy."

"See," Kendall leaned against he counter next to James, "I told you. She's moved on."

"Fuck you." James growled. Kendall was really pushing this. "It's not like she's dating the chick, it's her roommate. She's…been going to UCLA for the past year. She's been here, Kendall. It's just…fucking with my head."

"Yeah." That's all he said. That all Kendall offered. James sat, perched on a black bar stool, depressed and with soggy cereal and Kendall could only say, "Yeah", the dick. He patted the counter, "You should get ready, we have to beat traffic."

James sighed, "Yeah. Yeah, alright."

And that was it. Because James knew how done with his shit Kendall really was. The least he could do was listen to him complain like a little bitch, and he did that. He didn't expect much more from him, or Carlos, or Logan anymore. He shouldn't be this affected by her, and he was. James wasn't nearly as good of an actor as he would have liked, or at least he wasn't too great at hiding his feelings. It was a blessing and a curse, and James had to learn not to dwell on it. In fact, he couldn't let himself dwell on a lot of things.

Rarely, however, did that stop him.

Sadie wished that Allie wouldn't do this. It wasn't that she wasn't accepting of her now best friend, Sadie loved Allie like she'd love her own sister, had Sarah not been a total bitch from birth. The problem was, that Allie couldn't not hit on girls when she and Sadie went out. It was impossible for her. Anywhere she could find a willing lady, Allie was up their ass faster than you could say "Call me". It was ridiculous. So, over the past year, Sadie had spent many a miserable night nursing a drink and making lame conversation with the bartender. Tonight was not an exception, it only further proved her point when Allie left the club with multiple phone numbers etched on her arms.

Sadie smirked, "You've outdone yourself, mate."

"What the fuck accent was that?" Allie raised an eyebrow, "Let's rule out British accents from now on."

Sadie looked at Allie, then found her feet worlds more interesting. She shoved her hands in the pockets of PJ's old leather jacket she wore and picked up her pace, "Don't say that."

"What?" Allie shrugged her shoulders, confused, "Sadie? I didn't mean to piss you off."

James. James was going through her brain. One year, six days, eleven hours, ten minutes and ten seconds. She'd gone so long without focusing everything on him. Without feeling like this. She didn't need it now, and she wouldn't have it if Allie didn't force her to go to the store last night. But what were the odds of him being there. If Sadie was a believer in fate, she'd swear it was out to get her. Luckily for her, she thought fate was a bag of bullshit, "It's nothing. Just…never mind."

"Are you seriously that pissed about it?" Allie wasn't getting it, and Sadie knew that shouldn't surprise her. When she met Allie, almost a year ago, she spilt out everything. Let all of James out of her and word vomited onto this stranger she'd be living with for the next nine months. Allie was painfully understanding, but made Sadie swear one thing: she would drop the whole James situation and move the fuck on. And Sadie agreed, if only outwardly.

She hadn't talked about him since that night, not to Allie, not to PJ. As far as her boyfriend was concerned, James didn't exist - or, not in Sadie's life. It was hard to ignore that James existed, with Big Time Rush's album blowing up during tour, millions of fan girls. Sadie was just a girl from Maine, she couldn't date a rock star. With a sigh, she turned and faced Allie, "James…used to make fun of my accent, all the time, actually."

"Sadie, please." Allie rolled her eyes, "Don't let this start again. You have an amazing boyfriend, alright. Coming from me." The two laughed, "Let's just go home, go to bed. You'll sleep this whole…I'm hung up on James shit off and everything will be fine."

Sadie nodded. She just nodded, because if she did anything else, Allie would reprimand her for the rest of the night. When the pair got home, Sadie b-lined for her room. She pulled her covers over her body, completely blanketing herself, as soon as she and Allie got back home. Apartment 324 was nothing like apartment 3H, it was a hell of a lot worse - even the version of 3H after James left. The super was a shit head, more than Bitters and it made living there impossible, but it was what the two college students could afford. She huffed out a breath, climbing four flights of stairs was a pain in her ass. And, to add insult to injury, made Sadie feel like she'd skipped right past the "Freshman Fifteen" and gained the "Fat Ass Five-Hundred". A rap of knocks echoed in her white walled room, and Sadie begrudgingly raised her head with a strangled, aggravated, "What, Al?"

"Not Al," A male voice chucked. Sadie sat up, fully. She couldn't keep the smile from forming on her face. PJ Tomley could be described in three words, perfectly; honest, gorgeous, and brilliant. He was perfect for Sadie in every way, but of course, she'd find something wrong with Prince fucking Charming. He wasn't James. He'd never be James, and as happy as she was, Sadie needed James, "But, I'd like to think I'm better looking."

From the living room, through the paper thin walls, Sadie heard Allie's offended, "Hey!" She shook her head, tossed back the warm covers - reluctantly - and tiptoed to the door. She opened it, smiling up at the blonde haired, blue-eyed, All-American boy in front of her. He kissed her forehead, Sadie pictured James. He handed her an Iced Coffee, and Sadie's fingers brushed his, she thought of James. PJ stepped into her room, flopping down on the bed. His shaggy blonde hair covered his eyes and he sighed heavily. There were so many things _not _wrong with PJ, it was hard not to notice. He was tan, he'd lived in California his whole life. His hair was blonde, shaggy, just like ever movie-version surfer. He had straight, white teeth, being the son of an Orthodontist. PJ was also muscular, not buff, but his arms could shatter a skull, if he wanted to. And, beyond his looks, he was genuinely a great guy. Which is why Sadie was overwhelmed with guilt, most of the time.

She was so hung up on James, so desperately devoted to him, that it was making it impossible to have any other sort of relationship. Sadie believed, strongly, that the performance she gave every day deserved a fucking Oscar. She pretended to be happy when PJ hugged her, kissed her, took her somewhere elegant, wonderful. Sadie faked almost every emotion, and while every one thought she was better, she wasn't such a hot mess, they were ever so wrong. She moved across country, again, for him - just the hope of seeing him. No, Sadie was further from "okay" than she'd ever been and ten steps behind, "back to normal".

PJ patted the bed next to him, and Sadie took another sip of her coffee before jumping on top of him. He grunted, clutching onto her and then laughed, "Baby, I think you underestimate your weight."

"Don't be a dick, Peej." Sadie glared, wagging a finger in his face, "I dance every day, intense training, alright? You, on the other hand," She poked at his stomach, "Could afford to hit up the gym, pump some iron."

"Oh, yeah?" PJ's blonde eyebrow went up, his blue eyes sparkling. Sadie nodded and bit her lip. PJ loved that. He grabbed onto her sides and fell back down on the bed, lifting her up like a child playing airplane. She giggled and held her arms to her chest, smiling broadly.

Allie's voice interrupted them, the pixie blonde standing in the doorway, against the wooden frame. She held in her hand her usual Smirnoff and rolled her eyes, "You guys sicken me."

PJ set Sadie down and smiled at her. She returned it, then looked to Allie, "You jellin', Als?"

"Sadie," Allie sighed, pointing to herself, "Lesbian."

Sadie shrugged, grabbing onto PJ's face. She squeezed his cheeks and made his lips pucker, "No one can resist this puss."

"Puss, funny Sadie. Offensive, but funny." Allie smirked, "I'm going to bed. Goodnight, lovers."

"Night." Sadie grinned. Sadie turned back to PJ, "So, are you officially my Iced Coffee Bitch or do you actually have a motive behind this late night visit."

"Do I need a motive?"

"Yes, always."

PJ laughed, "Well, what if I told you that I have really, really great news?" Sadie's stomach dropped. This was PJ's serious voice, if she ever heard it. And no conversation, no good-ending conversation, started out with, "Well…". She looked up at him and tried to look as pathetic and sad as she could, "Damn Sadie, I haven't even said what it is."

"Fine, tell me." She rolled over so she was looking up at the ceiling, laying on her back and picking at the slightly, silver sequined comforter that covered her bed. She closed her eyes, wanting to sleep.

"Sadie, don't be like that, alright? It's good news, remember."

"I'm not being like anything, Peej." Sadie huffed, "Just fucking tell me."

He was quiet for a minute, she felt him move around on the bed, then felt his warmth next to her, laying beside her. PJ took Sadie's hand and held it, his voice close to her ear, "I got a killer internship for the summer. It's a really great opportunity…"

Sadie's eyes opened again, but she wouldn't look at him, "But?"

"But," PJ breathed, "But, it's in Miami."

Sadie turned her head and looked at him. She rolled her eyes and slammed her body back down, "Of course it's in fucking Miami. Where else would it be? California? No. Los Angeles. God forbid."

"I don't know why you're getting pissed about this, Sadie." PJ chuckled, "It's only for a month, I'll be back at the beginning of August. You've still got me for June, you should be _happy _for me."

"Yeah, well. I'm a shitty person, a _selfish _shitty person and it's our first summer together. I want you here, not in a damn Will Smith song." Sadie complained, "And yes, I am getting sentimental, alright? This summer means a fucking lot to me, Patrick James Tomley. You're an asshole."

"Yes." PJ nodded.

"I hate you for taking the internship."

"As well you should."

"I hope you get…fired your first day."

"Naturally." PJ smirked and held himself up on his elbow, looking directly into Sadie's eyes. She scrunched her nose like a child and pouted. PJ just kissed her, "Are we done now?"

Sadie nodded and kissed him, her lips forming to his, her body melting. It was a great feeling, she felt wanted and loved, but it wasn't _the _feeling. It wasn't what she wanted, "I really am proud of you, PJ. Just July?"

"Just July." He confirmed. PJ reached down and pulled the blankets over them. He stripped his shirt away and the pulled Sadie against his body. She, after fidgeting out of her jeans, reached up to turn the light off and happily became the little spoon, "Sleep, baby."

His voice was soothing, like Morgan Freeman soothing to her. She nodded and closed her eyes, breath evening out, in sync with his, "Goodnight, PJ."

_James was there. He was holding Sadie in his arms and when she kissed him, he kissed her back with more fervor than he ever had before. It was like Gone With The Wind, they were standing on a hill, in tall grasses. It was all dramatic, and that's how Sadie knew she was dreaming. That, and the fact she felt no guilt kissing someone who wasn't her boyfriend. Because, in Sadie's dream, she could admit to herself that she loved James._

_She loved James._

_Sadie Grant was in love with James Diamond._

_James smiled down at her and grabbed her hand, nodding back over his shoulder, "Come on, Sadie."_

_But then, Sadie hesitated. She looked at their hands, joined together, and a her eyes went wide. There was a white light glowing from them, a heat radiating off him. Sadie pulled her hand back, cradling it close to her chest. She winced at the burn, and looked back to James. His face was furious, boiling and red. He looked like every cartoon version of Satan, only without the horns. Sadie was scared. She tried to fix it, she tried taking his hand again but James wouldn't let her._

_He took off down the hill, screaming, "You did this, Sadie. You ruined this. You did this. You did this."_

_Sadie chased after him, trying to hold onto him and shouting just as loud, "James! Wait!" He pushed her away every time she touched him, but Sadie wouldn't stop chasing him. She almost couldn't. Then, James disappeared and it was dark. Everything around her was gone and she couldn't see her own two feet. Blindly, Sadie started walking again, slow and scared beyond scared. She had her hands outstretched. After what seemed like an eternity, Sadie's hands touched something warm, something soft, "James?"_

"_Not James." It was familiar, the voice, and manly. But it wasn't him. It wasn't James, and it never would be, would it? She opened her eyes, not realized they'd been practically glued shut, and pulled her hands back quickly at the sight of PJ, "But I'd like to think I'm better looking."_

_Sadie started backing up. She couldn't stop her feet from moving, her eyes from widening. She reached the edge, she was staring at PJ, but it wasn't completely him. He had James eyes. And then, Sadie was falling. She was desperately clutching the air around her, screaming at herself to wake up, and when the ground came into view, she just hollered. She was dying, she was falling and falling and dying and James…James…._

Sadie shot up, her breath heavy. Her chest was rising and falling quickly as she pressed her palms to her eyes, hard. She blinked once, twice, three times and then shot a glance towards PJ. He was still sleeping, his face buried in the pillow and a light snore coming from his mouth. She put her hand to her chest and whispered and exasperated, "Fuck me."

_reviewers have my babies_:  
><strong>BigTimeWriterAndRead: <strong>oh, darling! seasons greetings! my heart skipped many a-beat when I read your review, baby cakes. And FUCK YEAH FOR AWESOME HOLIDAY SEASONZZZ. mine was rather epic. And I kid you not, Epic just started playing, as in the Big Time Rush song. WHAT. THE. SERIOUS. FUCK. (:  
><strong>AmeeraMaslow: <strong>you're deep and amazing. OH YEAH, THAT JUST HAPPENED. thanks, babess. (:  
><strong>Deedee: <strong>I HAVE AN AUNT DEEDEE! She's like…a midget…because you wrote "Fudge" in your review, I read "PJ" as "Pudge" and then I was like, "Pudge controls the weather"…like in Lilo and Stitch (:  
><strong>OogieBoogieBloo:<strong> No, dude, I get it. I fucking hate Sadie sometimes, too. Seriously. Let's punch her together. (:  
><strong>Anon: <strong>Sadie may not be a lesbian, but we keep things gay friendly around here. So, why not, we'll just make Allie a lesbian? Yeah, why the hell not. And thank you so much, you rock my world anon (:  
><strong>HorrorGurlxOxO: <strong>I love when you make predictions, babe. It's a total turn on. Nah, I kid. But seriously, I just love you (:  
><strong>jackie: <strong>I DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. ALRIGHT? (:  
><strong>DiamondDrop694: <strong>now why you gotta go and put 69 in your username. I was laughing for dayzzz, in the best way. I missed you! I HOPE YOU LOVED THIS. (:  
><strong>jchamberz: <strong>I only wish to mend your heart from here on out, I swear. And my holiday season was fan-damn-tastic, thank you, kindly, for asking! (:  
><strong>ohdarlingyou: <strong>I'm NEEEVVVERRR, NEEVVEERRR, NEVER AS FAR AWAY AS IT MAY SEEM! SOON WE'LL BE TOGETHER! WE'LL PICK UP RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF! How perfect were those lyrics, seriously. I will never be out of your life! (:  
><strong>Wonderstruck Fantasy: <strong>WELCOME! OMG. I WILL CONTINUE THIS. Because I love you. (:  
><strong>bradytheboss887: <strong>ALL OF THE CAPS LOCK. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. (:  
><strong>Anon T: <strong>Oh, I've missed your anonymous-ness. And…wh-whut? Why so horrible! I make better, yes? (:  
><strong>Pucoan: <strong>by far, the best review I've ever received. That shit is getting hung up on my wall, mounted next to a picture of James Maslow shirtless. You are the light of my mediocre life, babes. NEVER FORGET. And I know all about the snow, we were in the same state…for two weeks. Did you know that? Talk about creepy. Shit. (:  
><strong>yourbestfriendsammy: <strong>who da fuck is sammy? I MISS YOU SO MUCH, SAMMY. I MISS YOU EVERY DAY. I'm starting to think that spending my ENTIRE trip at your side was a REALLY bad idea, because now I'm having serious Tabitha withdrawals. It's such shit. I can't even finish True Blood because I don't have you. (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow: <strong>girlfriend, I hate reading about James with other ladies as well. So…I write James with ladies similar to me. Try it, that shit be gold. And OMG, CAN I JUST LOVE YOU? I'm glad you changed your mind about it, babes. (:  
><strong>heyitsthatkidjay: <strong>I could NEVER be mad at you, baby cakes. YOU ARE MY SWEET, SWEET SUGAR LOVER. I have no clue what that means, but embrace the shit out of it. I seriously just…so much love. (:

I really hope you guys like this sequel, I'm supes nerviez for it. Shot in the Dark is playing right now, which gives me some hope, but do review or don't. I'll love you either way, forever and ever. In your review, though, write me something beautiful so I can post it on Tumblr and other various websites, and my bedroom walls. If you're feeling up to it. Also, how'd you feel about le nightmare? (:

Endless love, babes. Endless.


	3. when it starts

**author's note: **look, you guys, let me just love you.

it's time for sharing shit with Kelsey!  
>this is really happening, this is real life.<br>I'm going to start sharing three facts about myself with you guys, because…I feel like it, and it's a whole new level of JADIE Lovers Bonding we're experiencing. this sequel is taking this to new heights.

FACTZ:  
>1. I don't wear pants when I'm at home. Literally, never.<br>2. My favorite Disney Movie is A Goofy Movie.  
>3. I listen to Yellowcard like it's crack for the ears.<p>

Also, courtesy of the ever-so-lovely Avery (**BigTimeWriterAndRead**), we've coined a new phrase. Along with JADIE, we now have "_Sadie Syndrome_". Symptoms include, but are not limited to, 1) imagining your lover is James Diamond/Maslow, 2) being an insufferable bitch, 3) dating guys who are similar to your ex that you're still not over, 4) being in love with James Diamond/Maslow.

_Are you suffering from Sadie Syndrome?_

I'm really sorry this is late. Honestly, I thought today was Sunday, yesterday was Saturday, and my week is just messed up. My fault entirely, though, it would've been my fault no matter what. But here's chapter three!

**review question:** what is your favorite song from the eighties. because we all have one.  
>mine is Sussudio by Phil Collins.<br>**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter three  
>when it starts<p>

Rage is a powerful emotion, and it makes you think irrationally. This could explain why James Diamond was currently dialing, hanging up, and redialing Sadie Grant's phone number – a crinkled copy of the May 2012 issue of People in his hand. He grunted, frustrated and fed up. He wanted to call her, because he wanted to talk to her, because he wanted to forgive her, because he wanted to love her. But it was impossible. She said she'd text him. And she didn't, of course. It'd been a week. One fucking week felt longer than the year he'd spent away from her. He guessed it was because he'd seen her three times in that week. It was as though, after the grocery store, she became this unavoidable being. He saw her at the beach, at the gas station, on his way to the studio at a stoplight. She was everywhere and James was fucking done with fate playing with his emotions. He believed in fate too strongly, and he knew Sadie didn't. He knew that she'd think it was merely coincidence, not completely right, for them to keep running into each other. She'd have this long, elaborate, drawn out explanation for it, because Sadie hated when things were unexplained. But James, James knew that something was bringing them together, just like something pulled them apart – something bigger than he and Sadie, and with more cheese than a nineteen-eighties, John Hughes movie.

But, as it was, James was in a rage, because Sadie was too damn stubborn to just text him like a fucking adult and get this over with. Kendall was recording, Logan was out with Camille, and Carlos – God only knows what Carlos was doing. And, James was stuck at home, acting like an idiot and desperately trying to convince himself he wasn't nearly as pathetic as he felt. His hand ran through his hair, tugging knots roughly in the otherwise silky, brown locks. His green eyes were closed and his breath was slowly becoming more and more regular. And then, his phone vibrated. And James' heart must have stopped, because he didn't move. He just looked at it, he just stood in between his living room and his kitchen and stared at his iPhone, at the name and the message – _Sadie Stupid Fucking Bitch Grant_, it read.

_This is still you right?_

Sadie's hands were like waterfalls. It was disgusting and horrifying all at once, nothing made her this nervous. But, after a week and three run-ins with James, the task of actually texting him was daunting. She tried to shake them, hoping a cool breeze would make them less moist. She must've sounded like an idiot, _This is still you right?_, she honestly couldn't think of anything better?

But, before James could say anything back, Sadie's fingers moved frantically on her keys. _Of course this is you_.

James smirked at the message. And if it wasn't, he couldn't help but wonder what Sadie would do. But, again, his phone buzzed. _This is you right. _

Then, Sadie's phone rang. It actually rang, like someone was calling her, and her eyebrow raised at the name on the screen, _You Fucked It Up Big Time._ The pun was intended, and she wanted to put Big Time Fuck Up, but she knew that it would make it seem like it was James' fault. And Sadie didn't want to lie. Sadie knew it was hers. Her thumb ran over the answer button after every ring, three times, and she knew after the fourth it would go to voicemail. She didn't want that. Hastily she answered, "Hello?"

"It's me."

And Sadie smiled. "Why are you calling me? We haven't talked on the phone but three times. This isn't our thing, texting is our thing."

"Technically, nothing is our thing." James corrected, confident and shocking himself on that note. "We stopped having things when you left."

"Right. I deserved that." Sadie sighed, heavily. She didn't know how this conversation would turn out. But, the way it was going was definitely more scenario one; horribly. She wanted to wait for James to talk, but if he did the conversation would remain on the path it was currently on, and that would make a mess, and that would ruin a lot of things. So, Sadie breathed and spoke, "Well, here we are." She winced, because if there was anything worse than, _This is still you, right?_, it was that.

"I want to talk." James said. "But, this conversation, I can't do this over the phone."

"I'm not ready to see you again, James."

"You'll have to see me eventually, Sadie." James scoffed, "And, not just passing by me. Los Angeles is big, but I think we've both seen just how small it really is."

"Just try, for…" Sadie didn't want to say for her, she didn't want James to just be trying for her. She wanted him to try in general, that's what she was doing. She was _trying _to be mature. Sadie was _trying _to be civil. Sadie was _trying _not to cry. "For…"

"Alright, how are things." James didn't want to argue, because arguing with Sadie Grant was like signing your own death sentence - if they came on paper. It was absolutely pointless, trying to reason or fight her. Sadie was stubborn and so was James, and they knew they hit heads too much to even try and argue. So, they didn't. They just pushed their way through things. James counted that as relationship flaw number three, after communication and trust. He made a whole list of why things didn't work, because he had to convince himself, first, that it wasn't his fault, and second, that even if it was Sadie's he could still love her, completely. And he did.

"Things are…just fine. With you?"

"Fine, fine." James nodded, tapping his fingers on the granite counter in front of him. His eyes were closed, and his sock-covered toes clung to the metal bar on his barstool. "College?"

"It's…educational."

"Fuck, Sadie. Be real. Just talk to me." James groaned.

"Look, I'm trying James. This is awkward for me."

"It's awkward for you?" Sadie said a meek, "Yeah", and James continued. "You left me, Sadie. You packed your shit up and left me, hoping that you'd be here, like an idiot, when I got back."

"Fuck, I know. I'm sorry, alright? How many fucking times do I have to apologize to you, James." Sadie hollered, matching James' frustrated tone. "You think the situation didn't suck for me? It wasn't an easy decision."

"Then, why, Sadie?" James asked.

And it was a simple question, Sadie should have been able to answer it. But she couldn't, because she was confused, and she was scared, and if she could just tell him that, everything would be easier. But nothing about this, about them, about Sadie and James, James and Sadie, was easy, and it never would be. "I don't know, James. But you know me, you know I wouldn't spend more time with my family than I had to…unless…I had to, or I had a good reason."

"Yeah, I thought I knew you."

"Jesus Christ. What the fuck is this, James? Dawson's Creek?" Sadie groaned. Reverting back to her old habits, her sarcasm, her need to have the upper hand and be a bitch, was also part of scenario one. This would only end badly, at this rate, and she didn't want that. But James, James was being a little bitch. And Sadie, she didn't know what to do anymore, because being mature about things was obviously ruled out. But expressing your feelings, everything you're thinking, and being mature can only last so long. She almost expected it. James became a twelve-year-old, twenty-two-year-old when he was upset - and Sadie wasn't much better, "Don't…don't say things like that. You're not allowed to say things like that."

James was quiet for longer than Sadie would have liked. She tapped her foot on the carpeted floor of her bedroom, and bit her nails nervously. James ran his hand over his face, then pushed back his hair, "So, that's it, then?" James breathed, it was all one word when he said it and it took Sadie a minute to recognize what he'd said. She nodded, and she knew he couldn't see it, but she nodded. "You…You dump me, tell me you still want something, leave and then…come back? The fuck, Sades?"

"James, you don't have to tell me how fucked up this is." Sadie agreed, nodding again. "Maybe…maybe you were right. Look, I'm free all day. Allie's got a summer class until three. So…we should talk…in person."

"We should talk in person." James repeated, because he agreed, finally, with something she said. "What's you're address?"

And that was it, that was all. It was thirty minutes later, after Sadie had thrown all her discarded clothes into her closet, forcing the door closed. After she quickly washed all the dishes in the sink and put them, hastily, away. And, after she'd looked at herself in the mirror only to confirm she looked as distressed, pathetic and upset as she felt. She'd have to tell James about PJ, because if she didn't, Sadie might let things go to far. But, she didn't want to tell James about PJ, because part of her wanted everything to progress faster, for them to get back to where they were faster. And, all the while, in the back of her mind, Sadie was screaming at herself for being such a horrible person. For leading on PJ, letting him fall for her, only with the hope that one day she'd see James and run back to where she felt safe, where she thought - knew - she needed to be.

James wasn't nervous. He wasn't furious or upset, anymore, at least. He was just anxious. He wanted to talk to Sadie. James needed to tell her how he was feeling, and hear her feelings, as well. Because communication was number one on their way to fixing things, and James knew how fond of lists Sadie was. He smirked at his own, sarcastic thought and looked up at the apartment building. It was below Sadie, she was better than some cheap, cat-piss-smelling apartment complex. And, James, he could give that to her. But, Sadie would have to accept him, again. She'd have to step past her pride, and he would, too, before anything could get better. He pushed the door open, noting the poor security, and climbed six flights of stairs - the elevator being out of order.

And when his fist met the door of Apartment 324, he felt a sense of familiarity, of nostalgia, of déjà vu. It felt natural for James to be knocking on Sadie's door, the three's in the apartment number was just a happy coincidence. He smiled and turned around, looking up and down the hall for a mirror to look at himself. No such luck. The sign that things weren't the same, at all, in James' mind. And then, he sighed and knocked three times. A minute later, exactly, Sadie opened the door and the smallest part of James hoped she'd be naked like the first time he met her. But she wasn't, and she was still beautiful when she smiled, shyly and uncomfortably, up at him. He nodded back, "Hey."

"Come inside." Sadie stepped back, shaking her hair out and hoping that it would looked better down than in the half ponytail her short cut could manage.

James took in the apartment. The walls were white, there was a small, dark leather loveseat against the wall across from him, a kitchen to his right, and a hallway to his left. In that hallway, a bathroom and a bedroom - Allie's bedroom, from the looks of it. When he stepped in, further, he saw another couch, and it didn't match the first one. It was Sadie's, from apartment 3H and James smiled. Just off the living room was another room, Sadie's. James took in a breath, everything smelled like her, mixed with something else. "You smoke now?"

"Allie does. Only in her room, but it…seeps out." Sadie rubbed her hands on her jeans. She wasn't used to this. She wasn't used to feeling nervous around people, around boys, around _James_. Especially not James. But here she was, unsure of how to act. She stepped in front of him, after shutting and locking the large, deep brown wood door, and locking it. She stood in the living room, behind the small coffee table, and looked at James. "You want to sit?"

"Yeah." James nodded, his hair - which had been pushed back - fell into his eyes and Sadie smiled a bit. He needed a hair cut, badly. He made his way to her old couch and sat, while Sadie sat on Allie's loveseat - which was the world worst double entendre.

The room was eerily silent and the tension was evident. Both of them sat, wishing they could just be themselves, but neither would say anything to make it that way. Until, that is, James spoke up. Because, he was the man, and he needed to get things off his chest. "Why'd you leave?"

Sadie looked up, from her seemingly fascinating hands, and watched him. James wouldn't look at her, though, not yet, "James, I was…" Sadie breathed. "I thought I could handle you being gone. And, I couldn't. I thought that I could handle you and me…being apart, like I wanted, but…it just got worse."

"So, why'd you leave? I was only gone three months. I came back, and I was under the stupid impression that we were going to fix things. That you were still my girlfriend and you were still at the Palm Woods." James was trying not to yell, but his voice was betraying him, getting louder with almost every word. "Sadie, you can't do that shit to people. And, one day, you'll realize that the shit you do is fucked up, beyond fixing."

"And you being a dick is something worth praising, James?" Sadie bit. She knew he was only a dick because he needed to get through to her somehow, and he was. But PJ did the same, and he never talked to her like that. Then again, Sadie never felt like PJ was willing to call Sadie out, and sometimes, she needed that. "I know what I did to you. I know, alright? And I can't take that back, but you have to know that I would. Because, if I had the choice between sitting here and having this conversation with you, or staying somewhere I was miserable just so things could be easy, I'd choose the second one."

"How were you miserable. You had…friends there, Sadie. You had people who care about you, who wanted you. Camille, Mamma Knight, Katie, _me_? How is that not good enough for you?" James asked, "How are we, am _I_, not good enough for you?"

"Christ. You are. You are more than good enough, you're better than what I deserve, and especially now. And, maybe, that scared the shit out of me." She looked at him. "At the time, I thought just going to college and pretending like nothing happened, making my parents happy, it seemed like it was the easy way out. Because, I thought that I could get my shit together faster with some structure and fix things with you later. But, later became longer and I didn't know what to do anymore. So, I just forgot about it."

"You forgot about me? Fucking awesome, Sades." James scoffed. "Remind me why I came here again. This shit, I'm not doing it. I'm not going to feel like shit about myself because you were scared of something normal people do. Every day."

"James."

"Tell me, Sadie." James looked directly at her. "I guess I brought this on myself, right? I wanted to have this conversation in person so we could get things off our chest. Well, here goes. I think you're a bitch. I think you're the worst type of human being there is, because you don't give two shits how everyone else feels. I think you're right, you are hopeless and you left me when I thought I had something. You were something to me, Sadie, and you just left. That, that was a shitty move." Sadie wanted to stop him, she didn't need or want to feel like this. But, she also knew that she deserved whatever James needed to say. "But, I want to fix this. Because I don't want anything more than I want you, still, to this day. And, if we want to talk miserable, let's discuss my past year? I…fucking miss you."

"I have a boyfriend." And it came out faster than she wanted. It was like her lips were numb, to match her brain, and Sadie couldn't stop herself from just saying it. She knew where James was going with his rant. She needed him to stop.

"You…what?"

"His name is PJ, I met him…at UCLA…and, we've been dating for three months." Sadie said the entire sentence in one breath, as though it would be easier that way. But when James stood up, started pacing through her living room, she knew it was the worst way to explain herself. "James, please sit down."

"I shouldn't be pissed about this." James laughed, bitterly. "I shouldn't give a fuck what you do, right?"

"You have every right."

"Damn fucking right I do. Shit, Sadie. This…it never occurred to you to tell me…I don't know…before this?" James stopped and glared at her, making Sadie feel like an idiot. A red-faced, shrinking idiot. She hated James like this, she hated James mad at her.

What she hated more was that she was just sitting there and taking it. If Sadie was half the person she was year ago, she'd be up in James' face, making him feel smaller than Stuart Little. But she changed, involuntarily, through therapy, through age, through PJ. It scared her, but she considered it for the best, because people seemed to like her more when she wasn't so abrasive. But, in the back of her mind, Sadie hated herself more when she was faking it than she did when she was a world-record bitch.

Someone had to say something. At this point, James was just breathing heavy and Sadie was trying to gather her words, "I just…we need to be friends, first, anyway. We can't jump into something."

James just looked at her. It was like she was the lowest form of village fool in all history. And James, he was the King. And right now, he was considering her execution. "That's what you thought this was, Sadie? You thought I was going to come here, we'd chat, I'd make a move and fucking presto?"

"No, that's what I hoped wouldn't happen." Sadie said, her eyes shut. "We have to be friends."

James shook his head. Sadie heard footsteps, heavy footsteps, the door opening and the door slamming shut. James was gone and Sadie wasn't sure, again, what she was supposed to do. How she was supposed to feel. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't let herself. Because Sadie was starting to believe in fate, she wanted to believe in fate so badly it hurt. So, she picked up her phone, and - although, she assumed he'd either delete it or just not text her back - she typed. _Can we please be friends. We can work through this._

It wasn't until the next morning, after Sadie barricaded herself in her room, that she got a reply. It was simple, but it hurt, because all James said was, _I can't._

Then Sadie responded, _Can you try?_

And James, hating himself for it, wishing he didn't still love her, looked away as his thumbs typed, _I can try._

_reviewers have my babies_:  
><strong>Pucoan: <strong>JUST MARRY ME. JUST…SERIOUSLY, NICOLE? SERIOUSLY. And, what? No! You must read other James/OC stories! You have to promise me you'll move on! Only when this is over, though. (:  
><strong>jackie: <strong>Not pathetic. NOT PATHETIC. Endearing, amazing, omfgiloveyou? Yes. (:  
><strong>brightSTAR: <strong>Aw, thanks babes. That really means a lot to me, you rock my world.  
><strong>BigTimeWriterAndRead: <strong>OMG, WE'RE FRIENDS. OF COURSE, WE'RE FRIENDS. I HAVE A ENGLISH FRIEEENNNDDD! Oh, hey, Avery? I love you. (:  
><strong>Deedee: <strong>Girlfriend, I eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch every day, and I'm eighteen. One never outgrows cereal. No, no. (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow: <strong>I LOVE YOU. Did you know that? Because I do! I clap and squee every time you review, so I think we're pretty set on all of that (:  
><strong>jchamberz: <strong>I swear on everything I've ever loved, if I loved anything more than you, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Your review? My God, flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. I just…thank you, and I love you. And, yes. (:  
><strong>DiamondDrop694: <strong>WE EMBRACE THE DIRTY HERE. WE LOVE THE DIRTY. BE AS SICK AND NASTY AS I CAN, WANT, AND PLEASE, LOVE. We don't judge. (:  
><strong>heyitsthatkidjay: <strong>oh, no no. YOU are sexy. SEX GOD, alright. Seriously. And, when all is said and done, feel free to take PJ. I give you my blessing, darling. (:  
><strong>HarleyDiamond19: <strong>D'aww, much thanks, baby cakes. And thanks for all the fabulous e-mails I got from you. Reviewing, favorite both this AND the Benefits. You're the cats pajamas and I think you're sexy (:  
><strong>bradytheboss887: <strong>GIRL SHOOT. You're fine. And I'm glad you like PJ! (:  
><strong>mpa123: <strong>Girlfriend, you KNOW I write more. Post it on Sundays, baby cakes! (:  
><strong>Laughter3Luck<strong>: Aw, thanks! And I DID, AND OMFG I KNOW. That quote, tears to my eyes, baby. Damn. (:  
><strong>savingabel-love: <strong>updated, babes (:

Also, a thanks to **HarleyDiamond **and **Panda-Chan8 **for reviewing the Benefits. You babes, you rock my world. All of you.

love.


	4. unnatural pacing

**author's note: **I shit you not, I had to do one of those "Are You Human" things to sign in, and it was "JAMES difitc"

it's that special time again! Sharing Shit with Kelsey!  
><strong>FACTZ<strong>:  
>1. I'm Half-Liberian, German, Irish, French Canadian.<br>2. My favorite song from A Very Potter Musical is "Granger Danger".  
>3. I love Elvis Presley and legitimately get offended when people insult him. It's awful.<p>

This chapter is relatively short. This chapter has little to no interaction with…anyone, really. But the next chapter will be full of James/Sadie things. This chapter is just, not a filler, but showcasing - yet again - emotions.

I watched The Notebook today. I died.

**review question:** a _the Hang Ups _song to contribute to the official play list.  
><strong>disclaimer:<strong> I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter four  
>unnatural pacing<p>

_The word fetus is actually really pretty._

_Sadie, what are you talking about?_

_Think about it! It'd make for an interesting name, you know? Fetus Grant._

_Yeah, Fetus is right up there with Foreskin and Placenta, Sades._

_It could also work as a kick ass pick up line for guys. "Damn, I'd like to put a fetus up in that bitch!" See, I'd fuck anyone who said that to me._

_Sadie._

_I should stop watching TLC._

Nothing was normal with them, and with the official definition of normal being conforming to a standard; something usual, typical, or expected, Sadie was glad it was abnormal, above all things. Three days, she'd spent her time sending James the type of texts she used to, the type of messages aimed towards his smile. Because there was nothing more she wanted, nothing more either of them wanted, than for everything to just go back, back to the way it was. So, it was impossible - made that way by both parties - for things to move at a glacial pace. It was impossible for them to stay away from each other, for longer than sixteen hours, two minutes and thirty-eight seconds - Sadie counted, their record. They were going to be Sadie and James, James and Sadie, again if it killed them both and sabotaged all relationships they had outside of just each other. Because, there was this unspoken, secretive bond between the two of them. They both knew that, no matter what they did, no matter who they were with, they had to be together in some form. Right now, if friends was all they could be, they'd take it. Because Sadie Grant without James Diamond was just another dancer, hoping to be discovered. And James Diamond without Sadie Grant was just another bleeding heart pop singer, with a frat brother mentality.

Sadie set down her phone and looked up at PJ. He was holding himself over her, a smirk matching hers and ready to go. She kissed him, because Sadie was supposed to kiss him then. And PJ, he made it passionate against the will of Sadie's lips. It got deeper, and deeper and, as always, PJ used it as a distraction to tug at Sadie's v-neck, that was really James' v-neck, to pull her underwear down and slip one, two fingers in, to run his hand along her body and squeeze, knead the appropriate places, and to enter her when he felt ready enough and she'd struggled to pull off his three sizes too tight jeans. It wasn't that PJ was awful when it came to sex, he was different, and he was forever compared to the boy, the man, Sadie'd been seeing, almost behind his back. Most of the time, in fact, when Sadie was with James, she felt like she should feel guilty, when she didn't. She felt like she was cheating on the one, true, natural and normal relationship she had. And Sadie hated that, but at the same time, she embraced it. Because Sadie was a pro a fucking shit up.

PJ rocked his hips, he pushed himself all the way into her, until his pelvis was lined with hers, and Sadie couldn't take anymore. He held onto the headboard, white knuckled, and Sadie matched his grip, one hand on his back the other mixed in the bed sheets. She moaned, he grunted, she moaned louder and he kissed her. It was hard, everything about this was hard. He never once went easy on her, because it wasn't how PJ did things. He slammed into her, and it must have felt good for him, but Sadie didn't know the feeling. Not in that moment, she didn't. She almost sighed, almost rolled her eyes, because she wanted it to be done. But then, because PJ was close and he was being considerate by letting her finish, at the same time, under the notion it was a romantic gesture, he slipped his hand down and made sure she rode it out with him. Sadie moaned again, her eyes closed and PJ was close behind, pumping, bouncing almost, faster and faster against her because, again, it felt good for him to almost shatter her hip bones. And then, it was done, and Sadie rolled over on her side, exhausted, and PJ held onto her for assurance, she assumed, that someone did actually have sex with him.

James pushed her against the wall - Amanda or…Ashleigh or…maybe it was Caitlyn. Either way, he was getting laid tonight. Kendall was off, somewhere in the club James just left, and this girl was begging for him. He wasn't ever one to disappoint, not when it came to sex. James loved sex. Sex was listed under his hobbies and work experience. And, he'd been told too many times, praised, even, that he was great at it. So, with a cocksure smirk, he forcefully pushed this girl - attractive enough, blonde enough, quiet enough - onto his bed and it was like magic, because her clothes seemed to disappear. Not that she was wearing a lot, to begin with. All that forgotten, James tore off his own shirt, pulled down his pants and with them his boxer briefs. He nearly jumped at her, wasting no time, because, honestly, James couldn't care less if she got any pleasure out of this. This was out of frustration, this was out of jealousy. Because, today, James had to be nosy and he had to ask Sadie about her and PJ's relationship, and with that their sexual relationship, because James wanted to know, he'd hoped she'd tell him that she got no pleasure out of anything PJ did to her.

So now, he was chuckling darkly and loving the squeals he was getting from Amanda/Ashleigh/Caitlyn, and it was so unlike him that James had to take a minute to think, to clear his head. Unfortunately when he did, he could only think of Sadie and Sadie and Sadie. So James went back to this abnormal, dark persona of that-douche-bag-at-the-bar-that-definitely-won't-call-you-in-the-morning, and decided to rock Amanda/Ashleigh/Caitlyn's world tonight. So he slammed into her, and he thought the slight yelp, half moan she gave was more of pain than it was pleasure. Still, he didn't let up. He held her up, sitting back on his legs letting her do most of the work. But then there was Sadie, because it was her favorite position. So, he flipped her around so she was kneeling in front of him and James closed his eyes, trying to finish, to get it over with. Because she was in his head and it was fucking up the mission of his other head.

And with one, two, three trusts, James was gone and instead of saying any of the three given names, being either Amanda, or Ashleigh, or Caitlyn, he said one that he knew would never be her name, because it would never be anyone's name but _hers_, not with any meaning to him, that is. James threw his head back and his hair clung to his face with sweat. She moaned and screamed and giggled and then James came undone, with a hushed, but audible, "Sadie."

Amanda/Ashleigh/Caitlyn wasn't pleased. She tore herself off his dick faster than Kim Kardashian ended her marriage. And she was out of his room even faster, with her crumpled up, polyester dress in her hands. James sat back and watched her leave, calling after her with no emotion, "Babe, wait. Caitlyn. Amanda. Ashleigh?" But the door slammed and he gave up, because he didn't care about her. He never would. James fell back onto his bed, but he couldn't sleep. It was disheveled and messy and it smelled like an orgy in James' room, so he immediately felt disgusting. He wasn't nearly drunk enough for this shit. He plugged in a fan, sprayed some Febreeze, then spent a good thirty minutes in the shower solely on washing his body. Then, James went to bed, or the couch, but he slept. And he slept well, because Sadie was texting him, and he was trying.

There was a knock on his door too early in the morning. James pulled himself from the couch, naked and cold. He stepped as lively as one could to his room, the rapping at the door still sounding like a persistent woodpecker and James was about five seconds from losing his shit. Pants he needed, check. See if Kendall was home, a confirmed "No" and check. Then, he was at the door, and he was looking through the peep hole and Sadie was there. Her face was smashed up against the tiny circle, and she looked like Elmer Fudd, but James laughed.

"Knock, knock, bitch." Sadie yelled, because it felt natural. And, despite the fact that it was seven in the morning and James' neighbor's might hate her for waking them, she screamed. It seemed like the type of thing she'd do around James, and she wanted things to seem as authentic as they could, as normal as they could. Normal for them. "I know you're in their, asshole. Open the door or I'll take this delicious red velvet cupcake to someone else."

James opened the door and Sadie smiled, lifting a bag. He took it from her, closing the door behind her when she walked in, "Kendall's gone."

Sadie raised an eyebrow, his mouth was already full with the cupcake, "That was meant for later. Who the fuck eats cupcakes for breakfast." And James hugged her. Sadie looked up at him, the crumbs around his mouth, and she wanted to kiss him. But he was trying, he was trying to be friends. And he was trying because Sadie asked him to. So, she stepped back and smiled, rubbing her hands on her jeans, "Unhealthy."

"Hungover."

"Makes sense." Sadie nodded, she looked at the ground and noticed a pair of black, lace panties. And, although her heart dropped into her stomach, she smirked. Because she'd be stupid to let it bother her, and a hypocrite, because Sadie had plenty of sex that wasn't with James, he _friend_. "Was she at least hot?"

James looked down at the floor, following Sadie's finger, "I honestly don't remember."

"Intelligent?"

"No, that…that's a definite no."

Sadie smirked, "Is she here?"

"Another no." James laughed, rubbing his neck, "I fucked that up."

Sadie plopped down on the couch and maintained her smirk, "Do tell, dear sir."

James smiled, "Ah, it's nice to see you're horrible accents haven't improved." Sadie flipped him off. "I yelled out another name when I came."

Sadie winced, "Shit, James."

"I said your name."

And then Sadie was quiet, because when James said things like that, it was hard to pretend she was still her old self. It was hard for Sadie not to kiss him, and love him, and want to be with him. It's all she wanted to do, but these damn things they called "morals", she'd developed them upon turning nineteen, they fucked everything up. Part of her was happy, at least she had something to blame now, the other half, the stronger half, hated herself for not being able to just forget about PJ, all his feelings, his mediocre performance in bed and his enormous heart. But she looked down, if Sadie looked at James, she'd be dead, "You can't say things like that."

And James looked down, too, because he let it slip. He imagined it was how Sadie let her news about being in a relationship slip, but slightly less painful to both parties. He crumpled up the empty cupcake wrapper in his hand and stood, "We're friends. Friends…share things. I should be able to say things to you, anything."

Sadie followed him into the kitchen, keeping the island between them, "James, you know there's…certain things you should keep to yourself, you're twenty-one years old. You know that's…inappropriate. Maybe, I don't know, maybe we should set some…"

"Fuck no. Fuck whatever you were about to say, because I know it was something about rules. And, Sadie, I can't do that list shit anymore." James shook his head.

The room was quiet for a little while, and it was normal. It was the only normal thing about them, when everything got tense, too tense for them, they shut up. Sadie tapped her fingers on the counter, James crossed his arms and leaned against the sink. If his head wasn't pounding from this hang over, it was from this fight. He hated not being himself around Sadie. He reverted to being a huge dick, instead, because it countered her new persona; the sweetest little peach. James wished he could be cool, relaxed, everything he once was, just as much as Sadie wished she didn't care, and wished she could just be a self-destructive, bat shit insane bitch. But it was so hard for both of them, when they were both trapped where they were. James looked up, from underneath his hair, and tried to smile, "I'm going to go put a shirt on."

"Aw, damn." Sadie smirked.

"We're going to the boardwalk."

It was warm out, and it was nearly three o'clock in the afternoon. PJ texted Sadie. Kendall texted James. Allie texted Sadie. Kendall texted James. If they were paranoid, they'd think that someone, one of their friends, was onto them. But, Sadie and James didn't really fit the "paranoid" norm. Because, in the back of their mind, they hoped that they would be found out. That a huge, dramatic scene would be played out in which PJ blew up, and Sadie ran into James' arms. Or, perhaps that was only in James' mind. And Sadie only wanted it as an easy escape. She wanted everything to be painless for everyone. Because Sadie hated pain. But in this moment, it was only them. And, while Sadie licked the twist cone in her hand, and James shoved his hands in his pockets, they were content. Just walking down the boardwalk. Talking about themselves, about each other, about other people.

They stopped, right at the start of the pier. Sadie remembered their first date. How James insisted she just stay the night with him, how James was a Prince in disguise. James remembered Sadie looking like a dream, Sadie smiling - genuinely, not smirking or the sad excuse she called a reflection of joy nowadays, Sadie was smiling. The two just stood their and watched as people passed, ran, jogged, skated by. Then, Sadie nudged him and said, "I need to get home."

And James agreed. But then, he stopped, because he wasn't ready to go, "Sadie?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you love him?"

But she took her time answering, because Sadie knew the answer - it was just saying it out loud, or to herself, or in her head, or just thinking it. And it scared her, because she wanted to. She wanted to love PJ because it would be easier than loving James. But, if everyone was being honest, she didn't. And she wouldn't. Sadie Grant would never love PJ Tomley. Because even though he was perfect, even though he loved her, even though he was ideal, he wasn't, would never be James Diamond. So, Sadie held her ice cream at her waist, playing with the bracelet on her wrist, and looked at James, "I don't."

_reviewers have my babies_:

**HarleyDiamond19: **UPDATING AS FAST AS THESE DAMN FINGERS WILL LET ME. (:  
><strong>Pucoan: <strong>girl, I STILL rip off my clothes and dance in my diaper to that song. It's totally normal and shit. AND I LOVE THAT MOVIE, and you, naturally. (:  
><strong>heyitsthatkidjay: <strong>I believe we've discussed everything VIA MESSAGE. And damn, I really wish you WERE 64, my gramps needs some friends, boo. (:  
><strong>jackie: <strong>i shit you not, i hate capital letters so much. i got yelled at so much in school because i would literally never capitalize anything. they, finally, stopped marking me down my senior year. I love your bed sheets, and I meant for that to sound as creepy as it did. Reading is a win, I love you. You're a win. (:  
><strong>AVeryPotterFangirl: <strong>I've been listening to A Very Potter Musical whilst replying to all these reviews, first and foremost! Second! I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. Girlfriend, Paul Simon is my love. YOU are perfection. (:  
><strong>BigTimeWriterAndRead: <strong>aw, your boyfriend sounds wonderful! And I'm only talented because I have you as a muse! (:  
><strong>HorrorGurlxOxO: <strong>SHARA. UNACCEPTABLE. YOU ARE BANNED FOREVER. I only jest, I love you. Human League, YES. (:  
><strong>Deedee: <strong>UPDATED. And seriously, the NERVE of that girl. (:  
><strong>jchamberz: <strong>I think we're long lost fraternal twins. I think…or…soul mates? We're soul mates. (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow: <strong>you know my feelings for you, how true my love is. Seriously, though. You are TOO sweet. (:  
><strong>OogieBoogieBloo: <strong>All is forgiven, love. WE'RE GONNA BEAT THAT BITCH DOWN. I should not be encouraging this. It'll get better! You won't hate her so much, I swear! I love you, just slightly - except a lot more - too (:  
><strong>ohdarlingyou: <strong>girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND. I'm looking forward to it, as well. (:  
><strong>bradytheboss887: <strong>Deartest Brady, my babies. You will have them. And we are friends. WE ARE FRIENDS. I've spoken, and so it shall be! (:  
><strong>DiamondDrop694: <strong>Hate PJ all you want, and that's totally how I pictured him, depicted perfectly, babe. AND YOU'RE NEVER TOO LATE TO REVIEW (:

If I love anything more than you guys, my heart would implode.


	5. when it breaks

**author's note: **I've been watching nothing but Gossip Girl for three days. I need a life, so badly, that it's not even sad anymore, it's legitimately depressing.

it's that special time again! Sharing Shit with Kelsey!  
>FACTZ:<br>1. I think Leonardo DiCaprio, Chace Crawford, Robert Downey Jr and Kevin Spacey are the four most attractive men on the planet.  
>2. I have a baby boxer, his name is Emanuel, or Manny, and he's adorable.<br>3. My best friend, Melissa, calls me Jazz and I call her Charlie. Or S and B. Or Padfoot and Prongs. And we're bring AIM back, if you want to chill (:

IT'S LATE. IT'S SHORT. I'M SORRY. I LOVE YOU. YOU LOVE ME, STILL?

**review question:** I only want your honest opinion, this time. Just give me what you've got.**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter five  
>when it breaks<p>

"You're on drugs, right?"

Naturally, this wasn't James' ideal way of waking up, being greeted in the morning. At the same time, he didn't expect Kendall to stay in the dark for too long. One, because he was a nosy little bastard, and two, Kendall was observant, that much was obvious. And, he almost had to be around James - because, lately, he was fucked beyond reason. But, the fourth day into the Sadie and James reunion was a bit extreme. There was something about the secrets that turned James on. He didn't know exactly how to approach the subject, had Kendall brought it up. He didn't know how to explain that they weren't together, but the might as well have been, he couldn't tell Kendall that Sadie had a boyfriend, and that he was the "other woman" and James felt a familiar pattern in his life. At least, when it came to Sadie. She was the keeper and creator of all his secrets, and she'd be his inevitable downfall. Because Sadie Grant was his everything and Sadie Grant could unknowingly make him do anything. So, he sat at the counter carelessly opening a silver poptart wrapper, remaining as casual as one could under the stare of tall, blonde and eyebrows, "Good morning, Kendall."

"I'm praying you're on drugs." It would seem Relentless was Kendall's middle name, not Donald. And James didn't want this, not this early - in the day, in the relationship. It would be tainted before it was good.

"Why is that?"

Kendall sighed, heavily and dramatic. More dramatic than it needed to be, but it got James' attention, "Because, if you're fucking giddy for the reason I'm dreading, I'll…

"You'll what?"

Then he shrugged, because he was a dick sometimes - and James should know, he perfected the art form, "I'll dread it."

"It's not what you think." James shook his head.

"Her clothes in your room isn't what I think?"

"Christ, _Mom_." James scoffed, "We're friends. Actual friends, and it's nice. So, don't fuck it up by getting inside my head."

Kendall shrugged again, like his shoulders were on a timer and the buzzer was going off. James crumpled the torn, silver wrapper and tossed it across the granite. He pushed himself back, but the carpeting stopped his stool from giving him the dramatic exit he so desired. Still, he stood, because what else was he supposed to do, sit and let Kendall get to him. He needed Sadie, as pathetic as it sounded. Sadie and James was everything - to the both of them. And it sucked how dependent they were on each other, but their relationship was more addicting that any of the drugs James had tried the past year, trying to forget it. He got to his room, picked up his phone and texted her. He knew she'd be awake, because PJ was there and he left early. It was almost like he was skipping out, after what he called making love - at least, that's what Sadie explained.

_Today._

It only took a minute for her to reply, _Is the day that follows yesterday (:_

And James smiled, he smiled wide and happily, before typing, _What are we doing?_

_Ooh, besides each other?_

_My emotions, Sades. _James laughed, and he knew she couldn't hear it.

Sadie smiled back, because she knew James was laughing, _I didn't have anything planned. Only thing, I have to have dinner with PJ._

_You could have not said that. _

_Don't be a dick, dear. Meet me at my apartment, give me twenty?_

And James didn't say yes, because he didn't need to. He brushed his teeth, his hair, squeezed into the jeans Sadie loved, a v-neck and left. Kendall didn't say much, but a condescending comment, "Don't let yourself fuck up."

Coffee was never something Sadie loved, James either. But they found themselves meeting at coffee shops more often than not. There was something so scandalously delicious about meeting at the back of a coffee shop, falling into a secluded corner, a plush chair, and being alone. So, that's what they did. And it was wonderful every time, because even if they only got Strawberry Frappacino's, they got them as Sadie and James, as themselves, as two people who were happy. Sadie smirked at James and James smiled back, "Does this feel dangerous to you?" She asked, sipping loudly through her straw.

"Should it?"

"I have a boyfriend." Sadie said, almost a whisper and almost scared, "A boyfriend whom I am lying to."

"Which brings me to a good point." And he leaned forward, looked dead at her, and breathed, "Sadie. Look, if you don't love him, why are you still with him? If it were me, you'd be back in Maine by now." It sounded more bitter than it was intended, but it was real, "I'm just saying, why are you willing to try for him?"

Sadie stared at him, "Can we please not make my relationship with PJ about us? I have enough trouble separating the two." She tried to laugh, but it came out strangled, because she was forcing everything around James, now; control, her interest in PJ. The only thing she didn't mimic was the thumping of her heart when he looked at or touched her, "It's not as simple as it seems, alright? PJ is good for me right now. Haven't we already gone through this, James? Can't I just enjoy this time without this horse shit?"

"What happens when he says he loves you, Sades?" James continued, "What are you going to do."

She just shrugged, and it reminded James of Kendall, and it almost pissed him off. "He won't. Not any time soon, it's only been a few months."

"Right, and that's crazy." He sounded dejected. That was her thing, though. A few months wasn't enough for Sadie, while a few moments would always be enough for James.

Sadie had been anticipating this dubbed tragic moment.

"Hey, Sadie?"

Sadie lifted her head and smiled at this gorgeous blonde. He looked down at her and smirked when she replied, "Hey, PJ?"

And then, like a ton of bricks, an oncoming eighteen-wheeler, or a heard of elephants, the words Patrick Tomley said to Sadie Grant hit her, "I love you."

She sat up, and it was too abrupt and she knew that her eyes were too wide to pretend like she wasn't alarmed, scared, disgusted or all of the above. But how could Sadie keep resting her head on a boy who just claimed to love her? And when she didn't love him back. PJ never paid too much attention to detail, though, or Sadie's opinion, because he knew what was best for her, and he'd keep rambling until she forgot why she was so taken aback. Which, he did, and insisted on telling her every vivid detail of the day they met. But, Sadie was there, and she had an impeccable memory, lately. So, she knew everything, and she wanted to correct him when he was wrong. Because, that day, PJ wasn't running in the quad, he was outside his dorm. And Sadie wasn't wearing a dress, because she was moving into her room. And when he said that they locked eyes, and she gave him a coy smile, Sadie knew he was mistaking her for someone else, because the first time they "locked eyes" was when Sadie dropped her box full of delicates and PJ laughed, helping her, and holding up her blue thong that James just loved. And, the only time she intentionally smiled "coyly" was when Sadie was with James, because if something got him more that her smirk, it was her smile.

The day, the moment, Sadie met PJ would always stick in her memory, because it was the first act of chivalry she'd encountered since James. And PJ was so kind to her, when everyone else thought it was hilarious that the freshman dropped her panties in the hall. She had to have looked frumpy, her hair falling in her eyes and sticking there with sweat. It was one-hundred and six degrees that day, one degree cooler than when she moved out of the Palm Woods. Which, is precisely how she felt; one degree cooler, barely changed and still unbearably harsh. But, there was something about this blonde haired, blue-eyed, surfer that made Sadie think this year would be alright, and different, and normal. Which, is why she agreed to hang out, and then date, and then be his girlfriend. But this, Sadie could never, and would never agree with. Because this, the was uncomfortable with, this Sadie didn't believe in. She was scared again. But, she was right, because this time it was different. With James, Sadie was scared because she knew she felt the same. With PJ, Sadie was scared, because she didn't know if she had it in her to tell him she _didn't _feel the same.

And PJ, he changed. Which is why, Sadie blamed, she didn't love him like she should have at this stage. At the least, she could like a brother, but she didn't. Because the Patrick James Tomley she met on moving day was not the Patrick James Tomley she befriended. And that Patrick wasn't the Patrick she had sleepover's with. And that PJ wasn't the boy that took her to a circus, because he wanted her to not be afraid of fire eaters. And that boy was a long shot from the boy that just said the three words that could kill everything. And, as much as Sadie wanted to say something, she couldn't make herself stop him from sounding like a total idiot, explaining how every morning he woke up thinking about her, how he fell asleep to a play list she'd made him. She could not make PJ stop speaking, even if she wanted to. Because the PJ that gave a damn about what Sadie had to say, what Sadie was feeling was long gone with the PJ that she met for the very first time, in his deep v-neck and perfectly swept bangs.

And, what's more, Sadie didn't talk, because she had James in the back of her head. He asked her if she loved him, and Sadie said no. And James, being cocky, asked her, _If you don't love him, why are you still with him? If it were me, you'd be back in Maine by now_. And, while it hurt, she knew it was true. It's what Sadie, as a person, did. She pushed people, she made herself detached, and she left. And she'd never change, right, so why try? Now, it was ringing in her ears, eating her from the inside out. James had a way of doing that. And it was making Sadie sick.

_If you don't love him, why are you still with him?_

_If you don't love him…_

_You don't love him._

_Don't love him._

And, if that weren't enough. Sadie wasn't sure she'd even _want _to try and love PJ.

"I have to use the bathroom." She had to shut him up. There were too many boys in her head.

"Can't it wait, Sadie? I'm…I mean, I'm in the middle of confessing my love to you." PJ wouldn't let her go and she knew it, so Sadie sat back down and smiled, sheepishly - making sure it wasn't coy. "Look, I know how you feel about…all of this. There is no pressure to say anything, on your part. Just…" And then he pulled out it, and it wasn't what she hoped he'd whip out at a time like this. He pulled out a ring, dangling from a golden chain, "I want you to have this. It's…a promise ring."

Sadie took it, too, and she had to hold down the popcorn she'd been shoveling into her mouth for the first half of Die Hard. And then, PJ continued, "I just want to know you'll still be mine when I get back from Miami."

But that pissed Sadie off. PJ didn't even know that Sadie had been hanging out with James, and he already didn't trust her. It made her life, her relationship with the both of them, immensely more complicated, "You don't trust me." It wasn't a question, Sadie knew the answer and she was mostly just confirming for herself. "PJ, this is great and all, but girls don't much enjoy getting promise rings for their boyfriends own insecurities."

Neither of them expected that, because this wasn't the Sadie that PJ met on moving day. This wasn't the Sadie that Patrick became friends with, or the girl he took on so many dates, or the girl who sat next to him just minutes before. This Sadie, he'd never seen, but she'd been there longer than the other Sadie. Because this Sadie was the pre-PJ, pre-Allie, and pre-UCLA Sadie. This was the James era Sadie coming out, and she didn't know how to control it. She stood up and looked down at PJ, because something in her ticked, "I think…you should leave now. Bruce Willis can wait, I just…I need time to think."

He stood, he didn't want to, and Sadie could tell, but PJ stood up and nodded, "I'll call you, babe."

"Yeah." And, dejected as Sadie turned her head away from his kiss, PJ Tomley left his apartment. And Sadie watched him, fiddling with the jewelry around her neck. Then Allie came out, and the look on her face was judging Sadie more than she was judging herself. "Don't look at me like that, and don't talk to me."

Allie didn't say anything.

_reviewers have my babies_:

**HarleyDiamond19: **I HOPE SO, TOO. LOLZZZ (:  
><strong>Pucoan: <strong>I would marry you in a heart beat and then we'd have beautiful children and just have passionate sex everyday, Nicole. MY GOD. (:  
><strong>yougoglenncoco: <strong>omgomgomg. YOUR NAME. you win all the awards, my heart, just love me. and you're story, as you know, was golden. (:  
><strong>jackie: <strong>I KNOW I SAID 11:30, BUT I HAD TO DO THESE STILL! I LOVE YOU, JACKIE, I LOVE YOU FOREVER.  
><strong>AVeryPotterFangirl: <strong>YOUR SONG WAS PERFECTION. I love you. We can sing Granger Danger together until we die, I swear. AND, YES. YES I'LL MARRY YOU, BABY! OMG! (:  
><strong>BigTimeWriterAndRead: <strong>AVEZ MCGAVEZ. I love you. Another song of PERFECTION, and Carlos mentioned. Wink wink. (:  
><strong>HorrorGurlxOxO: <strong>ALL BRILLIANT SONGS. ALL LOVE FOR YOU. And you just prepare yourself for some super sexy, super Jadie sexy time, babes (:  
><strong>mpa123: <strong>writing always, babe. And because I love you (:  
><strong>jchamberz: <strong>I always love your reviews, honestly. You say the most amazing things, and for that, I think I'm just going to always love you. And the Miley song was excellent, love. AND THANK YOU (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow: <strong>no, you misunderstand, I love YOU. And aaahh! Here's the next chapter (:  
><strong>OogieBoogieBloo: <strong>you underestimate my competitive side, love. Because I love YOU, slightly more than kind of (:  
><strong>ohdarlingyou: <strong>I love YOUR dynamic, and while I have no idea what I mean by that, I just love you (:  
><strong>bradytheboss887: <strong>EXCELLENT SONG CHOICE, BABE (:  
><strong>DiamondDrop694: <strong>aw, well, I hopes your teeth are in tip top shape, baby! And be a perv, because it's a wonderful attribute (:  
><strong>StuckAt9.99: <strong>I MISS YOU SO MUCH, BABY! I LOVE YOU! I just…I can't respond to anything else, I'm just overwhelmed with love for you. (:

SO MUCH DIRTY, SEXY LOVE FOR YOU GUYS.


	6. the french mistake

**author's note: **I've been watching nothing but Gossip Girl for three days. I need a life, so badly, that it's not even sad anymore, it's legitimately depressing.

it's that special time again! Sharing Shit with Kelsey!  
>FACTZ:<br>1. I am literally two days younger than Niall Horan, but I'm totally in love with Liam Payne. FOR REAL.  
>2. My favorite superheroes are Thor, Daredevil and The Comedian<br>3. I've been in musical theatre since I was four years old, and I've been paid, so it's basically my job. Fourteen years of it.

**review question:** um, I don't know, DRAW A JADIE PICTURE! Challenge!  
><strong>disclaimer:<strong> I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter six  
>the french mistake<p>

Sadie was furious, and why wouldn't she be. She knew that this would happen, she always knew this would happen. When she moved out to Los Angeles, for the second time, she hoped for it. But, then things changed, everything changed, because Sadie met PJ and Sadie met Allie, and Sadie started school. She became something different than that person who hoped everything would fall back into place. And when it started to, she didn't know how to handle anything. Literally, anything. It was like she was Optimus Prime, and when she was Sadie Grant, PJ Tomley's girlfriend, she was this huge fucking semi. But, then, when Sadie was Sadie, and only that, with James Diamond, she was a kick ass robot. Right now, however, her hands were shaking and the smaller than necessary buttons on her Blackberry were making angry dialing hard. But, eventually, she got it. And James didn't even need to say anything before Sadie started shouting, "This is all your fault! It's all your fucking fault, you asshole."

He sat up, a smirk on his face, and leaned on his elbow. The covers of his bed dropped a bit, sliding down his bare chest, "What, exactly, did I do?"

"Fuck you. Fuck you, James. Everything was great." Sadie wasn't breathing, and she wasn't thinking, and she wasn't breathing because she wasn't thinking and she was still shaking. "He said it, just like you said he would. And I…freaked out, just like you said I would. And I hate that you were right about it, so fuck you."

James laughed. He couldn't keep himself from letting a victorious smile creep onto his face. Though, it was getting harder to ignore the pang of guilt he felt. But, James sat up fully and decided to listen, if only for his amusement, "He said he loves you?"

"Yes, he said he _loves me_." Sadie whispered, rolling her eyes. He sounded too cocksure for anyone's liking. And, she guessed, he had some sort of right to. And Sadie guessed she deserved what she got. A perfect boyfriend, a meddling ex-boyfriend, and a torn heart. But, she didn't want James to know that, or anyone, for that matter, including herself, "And, if that wasn't enough." She lifted the chain, letting the ring dangle in front of her, like a disgusting, dead animal. Or the clumps of hair Allie left behind, before she chopped it all off, in some sort of feminist movement - convincing Sadie to do the same. "He gave me a promise ring."

And, then, James really couldn't control it. Everything was perfect, just then, because he knew that Sadie realized just how much she didn't love PJ back. He knew she recognized her actual disdain for him, that she could never love him, even if she tried her fucking hardest. He was sputtering, trying to apologize for his hysterics, but it wasn't coming out - because James didn't mean any word of it. He was too happy, too ecstatic that Sadie was that much closer to being his again. And Sadie, she was swearing, screaming at him on the other end of the phone. And, when James finally calmed down, to dig himself a deeper hole, the only thing he managed to say was, "Do you still get turned on when your mad?"

Because he was genuinely curious. And Sadie hung up after that, leaving James to be a dick by himself. She climbed in her bed, fully clothed, and threw the necklace somewhere on her dresser. And she wanted to cry, because, tonight was not her night. This day was not her day. This week, not her week. This month, this year, forget about it. Sadie was fucked, when it came to love, because no matter what, she'd always find something wrong with him. And it pissed her off, made her sad, made her want to scream. So, she did. Until she was hoarse, into her pillow, at the top of her lungs. Sadie just screamed.

_I'm sorry, babe._

_I'm sorry, Sades._

She didn't know which one meant less to her. PJ was pressuring her, the same way she'd been trying to pressure herself into loving him. And James, James was more of a dick than before - but, she couldn't be too mad about that, because she was changed, too. So she texted one of them, she didn't know which one, but either way she did it, it would end up hurting and mending one thing. And, that's all she could hope for.

She assumed it was PJ, however, because an hour later, he was standing in her room with fresh roses - even though Sadie was allergic, and he should have known that - and an apologetic smile, "I shouldn't have."

"Yeah, you shouldn't have." Sadie sighed, shaking her hair from the damp, bright pink towel, "And neither should I, but…PJ, I don't know how to react, how you want me to react, to that." Her finger pointed at the necklace, the one she'd dangled over a picture of the two of them - out of kindness.

He set down the roses, in the middle of her bed, which meant she'd have to change her sheets, "I didn't _want _you to react in anyway. I just wanted you to know what I was feeling. I told you not to feel pressured."

"Christ, PJ, when people say 'don't feel pressured' is when you feel most pressured." She slapped her forehead, used her hands far too expressively, and paced around in nothing but a towel. "And it's not that I don't…" She paused, because she couldn't say it. Because it was a lie and she felt sick. "I'm just…I'm not there yet."

PJ looked down, his skinny jeans were uncomfortable now, "Which is exactly why I didn't want you to say anything, Sadie. I just want us to be us again."

But Sadie hated them. She hated everything that they were, what they'd become, how everything started. So, she walked over to him, and Sadie hugged him. Because PJ was leaving tomorrow and this was getting to be harder than Sadie wanted. Fixing it, making all this go away, seemed easy, "We are us, Peej. We'll always…be us."

He smiled, "You'll wear the necklace?"

And Sadie forced her head to nod, her neck had never felt so stiff, "I'll…wear the necklace."

He kissed her then, she couldn't even picture James because she had to focus on holding down her breakfast. And while she normally would have felt guilt, in it's place was blind fury. She was enraged because she wanted PJ to stop, and she wanted James to go away, and she wanted to just be herself. Her damaged, boy hating, dancing queen self. That was easy. Sadie loved easy more than she loved Leonardo DiCaprio. Easy was great.

"Great. I have something planned for you tonight, alright? So…I mean, don't make plans with Allie." Like she was her only friend. Because PJ still knew nothing of James. And Sadie nodded, "You're the best, babe. Miami will be hell without you."

Sadie nodded again, "I'll miss you, too."

And she was lying. Lying was a habit of hers, and it was one she couldn't break.

It wasn't like Sadie to not text him back. Even if she was mad at James, she'd come up with something witty, something that would burrow it's way under her skin and make him think about her, all day. And James had a day off, which meant he'd be doing that anyway. But, that's all he wanted, was for Sadie to text him and say, _It's alright_, or God forbid, _I'm sorry, too_. But wishing only took things so far, and it was not his day, today. So, James singled out newbies on Black Ops and sucked down copious amounts of Mountain Dew, all while listening to the 'Let's Just Fuck' play list Sadie had made, a year ago. He would only look away from the screen to incessantly check is iPhone, every one, two, three seconds. James just wanted Sadie to talk to him, because he knew he acted like a huge dick. And he really was sorry. But, he couldn't do anything about Sadie being stubborn, because it's who she was. Or at least, the Sadie he knew.

And when the knock at his door was louder than the music, James knew that whoever was pounding had been there too long. And he hoped it was Sadie. Because Sadie angry was something he'd never resist. He opened it, "It _is _you."

She looked up at him, like he was a giant. But, if he was Goliath, she was David, and she wasn't about to give up this fight, "What the fuck does that mean."

"It means come in." Sadie had already stepped inside, and made it clear she did not appreciate James' sarcasm. She tapped her foot and glared at him, "What's…what's up?"

"I can't…I don't want to be your friend anymore."

And even though her tone told him otherwise, James hoped it was because she left PJ and wanted to be with him again. He kept the hopeful look in his eyes to try and convince Sadie to stop whatever she was saying, but it didn't work, "What does that mean, exactly. You can't be my friend."

"I said I don't want to."

"You said can't."

"Stop changing the subject, James." Sadie bit, her eyes cold. As cold as they were the day she broke up with him. Which, James knew, meant she was seriously not serious. She didn't want to do this, but everything she consider logical was telling her she _had _to. James called that, as of lately, the PJ side of Sadie. She continued, "I'm not your friend. We're not friends."

"Oh, fuck that, Sadie. I'm tired of the bullshit." James groaned, "What is really going on? Is it your _boyfriend_?"

Sadie's gaze never once strayed from his, "It's too hard for me."

And he scoffed, loudly, rudely, "It's bullshit. Everything you're saying. We are friends, despite my efforts to be more. Fuck, Sadie, you're not about to do this."

"And who the fuck do you think you are? You can't control me, James." Sadie yelled. James was glad Kendall was absent, as he usually was.

"Cut the Jerry Springer, I'll do what I want act, Sadie. This is about PJ, isn't it? The fucking tool. He doesn't deserve you, or any of this." James' words were sharp. "I don't either." And he hated to say it, but he felt obligated, "Just fucking pick one of us. Get it over with, because I'm not pussyfooting around this anymore, Sadie. I _want _you."

"Jesus Christ, we're not doing this. Just…" Sadie closed her eyes for the first time, tight and with a furrowed brow, "Stop calling, stop texting. We're not hanging out anymore. I can't juggle this Hannah Montana, double life shit. I'm dating PJ, and I'm not doing this with you anymore."

"So you pick him?" James couldn't believe it. James didn't believe it.

"I'm picking my boyfriend, yes." Sadie nodded, "Because I'm not cheating on him anymore."

And James laughed, he guffawed, because that was a heaping pile of bullshit, if he ever saw one. His head literally fell back, his mouth was wide open and he gave the loudest, "HA!" he could. He was starting to question if Sadie was worth it. She was crazy, literally insane, and he drove him towards that. But there was too much pulling him to her, and not enough repelling him. So, she was worth it. And love was worth it. And James loved Sadie. "You think this is cheating? Friendship has somehow transformed into cheating, Sadie? You're crazier than I thought you were."

"Fuck you, James."

"You're not cheating on him. You're friends with someone."

Sadie shook her head, "That's the problem, you're not just someone. You're James, you're my ex-boyfriend. You've literally been inside of me, and you know more about me than him."

James laughed again, bitterly, "Doesn't that tell you something?"

Sadie was fidgeting, because she knew James was right. She fiddled with the ring around the chain, around her neck, "It tells me…" She breathed, heavily, "We have to stop. We just have to stop. I can't cheat on him."

"Oh, you can. You want a reason, Sadie? You want to cheat on your boyfriend, so you don't have to feel like a total bitch for doing this to me, _again_, then fine." And James' voice got louder, because he was getting closer to Sadie. "Cheat on PJ."

And then he kissed her.

And in that moment, Sadie couldn't breathe, or focus, or think. In that moment, she felt everything she used to feel when she was with James. She was happy, and furious, and sad, and in love. When he pulled away, she saw the look in James' eyes that she knew from the morning, in the shower, a year and some odd months ago. And she stepped back, because that scared her. The ring was burning a hole in her chest, and it hurt. But it didn't feel that way because she kissed James, or because she was breaking PJ's heart. It felt that way, because this was too heavy of a situation for her. Her heart was pounding and her head was spinning. It felt that way because Sadie had come to terms with the one thing she'd been avoiding. She was in love with James Diamond, actually, completely, fully in love. And she wasn't afraid of that anymore. So, Sadie kissed him again, and yanked off the necklace, and shoved it in her pocket.

James kissed her back, he wasn't letting her go. His hand were in her hair, and it felt different. If that was because it was shorter, he didn't know. Or maybe it was because she was already with someone. He didn't care, honestly. He was too happy to care about anything. Because his lips were on hers, and her breathing was erratic and uncontrollable, just like his. It felt right, it felt natural and normal.

And didn't cheat, ever - not that it was an option. Which, meant James was an exception. But a million and one voices told her to stop. Because, once a cheater, always a cheater. And if for PJ it was James, for James it could be Connor. And for Connor, Liam. It could be a never ending cycle. As much as Sadie wanted to be with James in that moment, she wanted him later more. She wanted James when she didn't have to pretend to be PJ Tomley's girlfriend, happy and in like.

Sadie stepped back and put a hand to her mouth, "I have to go. I have to…meet PJ."

And James got excited, because he thought he knew what she meant, "You're going to break up with him now? I mean, alright. I didn't think it'd be that quick."

But he stopped, because Sadie was shaking her head and backing away from him. Her eyes were wide, and a shade of brown he had never seen before, not on her, "I have…we have a date. And, he's leaving tomorrow. And…" She was at the door, James looking at her confused, hurt, angry? "I'm going to…I'll call you. I…bye James."

It was too much. Everything was too much. For Sadie, as her lips tingled, she wanted to cry. She couldn't break up with PJ, not the night before he left, not after she said they'd always be them. Even though, she was sure, he knew that was a lie. She couldn't just hand him the ring and say goodbye. It wasn't the right time. There was never a right time for that. And the other half of her was back with James in that apartment, thinking maybe it would be easier to just tell PJ to pack his shit, and have a great time in Miami. At least, then, he wouldn't have to worry about her. He could have fun and not think that Sadie was off making out with James. Not that he had any reason to think that, in the first place. Which is why, she assumed, she kept walking out of James' apartment building. Her eyes were still wide, but they were directed at the ground, and Sadie blinding bumped into someone, "Sorry."

The voice was familiar, "Well, fuck, you are back."

Kendall. It was Kendall and Sadie lost it. She looked up at him and nodded, but then she broke down, and she cried, and she apologized to Kendall, then left. She was dating PJ. She was in love with James. Everything was wrong, and scary, and she felt the familiar guilt.

James was just angry. But, at the same time, he had never been more determined. Because, at least now, he knew that Sadie felt something for him, still. Though, he never doubted that. He knew that Sadie didn't want to be with PJ, because she wanted to be with him. But that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough when she explained it to him, over and over again. It wasn't enough after she kissed him, not like that.

Sadie's excuse, being with PJ, would never be enough.

_reviewers have my babies_:

**yougoglenncoco: **as much as I hate to say this, and I'm a total hypocrite in doing so, BUT HOMEWORK COMES FIRST! then go Jadie crazy! And the fates, huh? J'adore! (:  
><strong>Ameera Maslow: <strong>THANKS, BABYCAKES. Love love love you! (:  
><strong>mpa123: <strong>hopefully, all was kept up, oui?  
><strong>jackie: <strong>xoxo, gossip girl? you know me, too well. NEVER GET OFF TUMBLR, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EACH OTHER FULLY, IF YOU'RE NOT THERE? (:  
><strong>jchamberz: <strong>I ain't never, EVER, gonna stop! And HSNIDSHEE DS thank youu. My love for you is undying. (:  
><strong>HorrorGurlxOxO: <strong>I'm running out of ways to tell you I love you! But, ferserious, I just…FOREVER. (:  
><strong>samsam23: <strong>hahahahaha! BEST THING I'VE EVER BEEN TOLD. Please, don't slap your mother, though. (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow: <strong>aw, I hope your days following got better, girl. I love you to pieces, too! And FUCK AMERICA'S GOT TALENT, they're missing outttt (:  
><strong>Pucoan: <strong>NICOLE JUST STOP. JUST LOVE ME. I just…you're the butter to my toast, I swear (:  
><strong>DiamondDrop694: <strong>me and my friend, Jessie, used to say, "FACK" all the facking time, babes! You like this chapterrr? (:  
><strong>StuckAt9.99: <strong>Ohh, don't envy me. Bowing down will suffice! I only kid, I just love you. And, I'm glad you trust me, because that's TRUE LOVE. Real talk. (:  
><strong>ohdarlingyou: <strong>SNSHRNSKCVJ! OMG. BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MAKES ME LOVE YOU? You're FUCKING perfect! (:  
><strong>melzabs: <strong>get out of here, B! NO ONE WANTS YOU. Sheesh. You keep me alive, B! (:

I'd try and define my love, but I simply cannot. For it is boundless, forever, eternal.


	7. the baggage claim

**author's note: **so, basically, this story has turned into a "Let's just fucking hate Sadie" thing.

Also…I'm super late on this. And I'm really sorry. I have no excuse. I'm just late. But this chapter, I think the content makes up for it… (:

I hope it does, at least. I'm super self-conscious about this. I feel like I'm slipping out of the Jadie scene, and I hate it. I don't want to force myself to write, but taking a break obviously didn't work. Just, let me know what you guys want. I know what I want, it's just delivering it. How I feel about it. I feel just…lost on this. Blah.

Also, I feel like I went more into detail here. But this story is rated M. and just fucking deal, alright? Just kidding. I love you. I love you, you beautiful specimens. Actually, I didn't go THAT into detail. But know, I just might.

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter seven  
><strong>the baggage claim<strong>

"You broke up with him?"

Her fingers didn't want to leave the ring around her neck. And they were shaking more than normal, when she talked to James. She was a mess, leaving LAX with too much on her mind, and not enough words to explain. She had on one of James' old v-necks she'd kept from the Palm Woods, but on top of that, the cardigan PJ draped over her when she was shivering at his gate. Layer upon layer of things she didn't understand, things she couldn't handle. It was too symbolic for Sadie's taste. The cardigan over the v-neck, PJ was covering up James. But that kiss, that kiss changed so much, too much. And now, when Sadie pressed speed dial number four, and listened to the dial tone, and heard James speak, it was like she didn't know anything. And, while she knew it was more hopeful that accusatory, James' tone intimidated her. But, she said what she knew he wanted to hear, "Yes." It was a lie, too. "Yeah."

It was quite for a minute after that. And then James let out the longest, most relieved breath. Sadie knew exactly what she'd done, and she wanted to take it back, but at the same time, she didn't. Because her need for James overwhelmed every logical thought. Then, James said those two words that would hook her, "Come over. "

It was her turn to be silent. She just stood there, again, because Sadie was frozen. Just standing in the middle of the parking lot, however, didn't seem like an option, so she got her feet working again, then her brain, and then her mouth, and she said the four words that could kill her, would kill her, killed her, "I'm on my way."

Getting there didn't take long, but getting out of PJ's car did. Everything felt wrong, everything felt right. Sadie was damn tired of feeling conflicted. Morals telling her one thing; the right thing, by all standards. But Sadie, she was telling herself that James was the right thing, because James felt natural, and normal, and safe. James felt like Sadie's version of love. But she was tired of feeling sorry for herself. Because, she was the only person she could talk to, and this shit was getting annoying. She was sick of sitting in self-pity she didn't deserve. And so, Sadie stopped. Then and there, her hands at ten and two o'clock, staring blanking forward. That's what pulled her out of the drivers seat, that's what dragged her into the elevator, and that's what raised her fist to knock on the apartment door.

James wasn't sure what he was supposed to be sure of. He didn't know if Sadie was going to leave PJ, he didn't know if Sadie was going to finally cut the bullshit. He didn't expect it anymore, either. James got too tired of waiting for her to become herself again, because it was obvious she wasn't comfortable now. But those words, "I'm on my way", the resonated, the fifteen minutes he waited for her, it was all he heard. When he was tossing dirty clothes - that usually littered his floor - underneath his bed, into his closet. When he told Kendall not to leave his room, Sadie was in his head, and he thought for a second Kendall could hear him, practically chanting her name over and over. But, with a thick eyebrow lifted and a skeptical stare, Kendall agreed and fell back against his pillows.

There was a pounding in James' head, he was nervous for the first time in a long time. And when another pounding, of knocks at the door, ceased his headache, his hands were shaking and he kept laughing, out of disbelief. This was happening, Sadie was here, Sadie was with him. Sadie _wanted _to be with him. So he reached for the door, and everything slowed down when he saw her. Sadie looked up at James, underneath her bangs and through thick eyelashes. He couldn't help but take her in; her ripped jean shorts, how her thighs curved, a baggy v-neck he immediately recognized as his own. She was something entirely different, out of this world. And now, finally, and again, she was his. It was overwhelming. James pulled her towards him, smirked and kissed her. He kissed her hard, and it almost hurt, but Sadie would never complain. They were so frantically trying to touch every inch of each other's body, backing into the kitchen just to the left. James squeezed his way up Sadie's thighs, then grabbed her ass and lifted her up. She was perched on the counter, he was kissing down her neck, her collarbone, any exposed skin was fair game. His hands went back to her legs, in his eyes they were perfect, and his was so desperate just to touch her skin that it nearly scared him.

Sadie's breath was quickening, second by second, and her mind was hazy. It was magical, nearly, and terrifying, because the guilt she felt two minutes prior, sitting in her boyfriends car, taking off the ring, was gone. It just disappeared when James' lips met hers. Every touch, his finger tips on her skin, was like fire. It always was, but Sadie had missed it so much that she thought she'd be done for before they started. She was getting too worked up, too fast. James bit her lip, pulled at it and making her moan. His fingers were tangled in her hair, that was once perfectly neat - upon PJ's request. He stifled her moan, his lips on hers, his hips grinding into her, and Sadie had to stop him, panting out a quiet, "James."

He loved the sound of her voice, when she was hot and she was ready, and she was desperate for him. The look in her eyes could do him in, swirled with lust, begging him, and James would never deny her, but he wanted this to be special. Because this was it. This was them getting back together and it was everything to him. It was everything to Sadie. She quickly hopped of the counter, nodding behind her and biting her lip. She had to bite her lip, James noticed, she had to. She pointed to his door and said, "This one?"

All he could do was nod. The bulge in his pants took the blood straight from his brain and made it damn near impossible to think. Sadie, who once dragged James behind her, dropped his hands and lifted the shirt off her slender - even more so than he remembered - frame. And how James didn't notice before, her lack of bra, he'd never know, but there she stood, completely nude from the waist up. James was quick to follow, his dark tee torn away. The buckle on his jeans jingled when shaky hands struggled to undo it. He looked up, his hair in his eyes, with a smirk and a chuckle. Sadie smiled, her hands clasped behind her back, legs crossed and lip held onto by her teeth. She gave her own giggle and stepped forward, lifting James' chin and kissing him softly.

Again, his hands found her body, the exposed skin. It was smooth, and soft, and warm. It was home. Down her sides, resting at her hips, his fingers dragged across her lower back, forcing her to arch her back into his chest. He missed that feeling. James missed every feeling Sadie gave him, good or bad. But their was always something to be said about Sadie, naked, and pressed up against him. His legs felt cold, and he heard Sadie chuckle, deep and seductive, before he felt her hand slip under the hem of his boxer briefs. Slender fingers wrapped around a not so slender James, and pumped. His eyes closed, fluttering, and his head tilted back. But not getting it together wasn't an option, and he quickly held her face once more, as Sadie stroked him, and pressed lips to lips, nipping at her bottom lip and whispering against them, "God, I missed you."

"I know." She smiled, cockily but in jest, pulling her hand from his briefs, sliding them down, and running her hands up his back and across his shoulder blades. Then, Sadie looked directly at him, his eyes bright, burning, "I missed you, too." Her voice got quiet, "You're like a drug."

And James smirked, because that was his cue. He tugged down her shorts, kneeling in front of her. Next, her lace panties, red. And finally, James kissed his way up her leg, bending her knee for her. Sadie's head fell back, eyes fluttering much like his when she'd done the teasing. His lips were soft, kissing the innermost part of her thigh, and when it came into contact with the most sensitive region, Sadie nearly lost it. She moaned, and it was loud, and James laughed his cocky laugh, because he knew what he was doing to her. And then, when Sadie thought he was going to push her over the edge, he scooped up her legs and lifted her. Naturally, she squealed and laughed, James just smirked.

And it was like the bed was made of everything that was natural, right and real in the world. Because when James laid her down, when her hair fanned out, and when they looked at each other, things fell into place. James looked over her body, "College has not been kind to your curves."

"You're a dick." Sadie laughed.

James was serious, then, smiling down at her, "How do you feel?"

And Sadie looked at him, for the longest time, a small smile morphing into the biggest one James had seen on her tanned face. Sadie bit her lip, kissed his nose, "Happy."

James positioned himself over her, perfectly in between her legs. Sadie closed her eyes as soon as James' lips kissed down her neck, her chest, and closed around her nipple. Her back arched, and when James pushed himself into her, Sadie was eager to raise her hips and meet his. She didn't realize how different from James, PJ was and how unlike PJ, James was. Her hands were trying to grab the sheets, but the almost couldn't bend them, everything was so intense. All her limbs were extended, with the exception of her legs, wrapped around James' waist, tight. Her hands finally found control and took to clawing at his back. Sadie could hear James wince a bit, but he only picked up the pace of his thrusts afterwards. Then, he cradled his arm underneath Sadie's ass and pushed himself into a sitting position, lifting her with him. Her body was almost limp, like a rag doll. Her head hung back until they were fully upright and James was nearly slamming into her. He grunted. She moaned. And they kissed, sloppily. Both were closer than they wanted to be. But it had been a while, and being together would take work in more than the area of emotions. Sadie was used to PJ sex. James was used to going without.

But they wouldn't complain, when Sadie screamed his name as loudly as his muffling kiss would let her. And when James followed, quickly after that, riding out his release by kissing her harder, then her neck, biting at the skin. They were sweaty, when all was said and done, and James made sure to be gentle when he laid Sadie back down. He wasn't quick to leave the warmth of her body, however, resting his head on her chest and letting the rise and fall of her breathing push his head up and down. He lay there, between Sadie's legs, and she looked intently at the ceiling, fingers in his hair. Both smiled, both let out breathy laughs. And then, Sadie leaned down to kiss his lips, one more time, before falling back against the pillows and drifting away.

James kissed her cheek and Sadie's skin was back to burning. She crossed her arms, PJ's cardigan wrapped around her, ready for the walk of shame, "Call me."

"Stalk you." James said, squeezing her in a hug, and followed with a grin.

Sadie smirked at him, backing away, "The chick flick lines, really, Diamond? Couldn't just have a dick and quote Die Hard? I'd even give you Star Wars."

James then bowed, with a flourish that made Sadie laugh, "May the force be with you."

She shook her head, turning and waving over her shoulder, "And with you!"

Her feet hit the sidewalk and Sadie felt sick. It was the feeling that if she was more than fifty feet away from James, that she was doing something wrong. In reality, it was just the opposite. Being that close to him, doing what she did was the mistake. Morals should have been questioned. Her reasoning skills. Her heart's existence. Instead, Sadie felt no guilt or remorse around James. Because she wasn't hurting him, not yet. It was PJ she would kill, unintentionally. It was PJ she was cheating on. Then again, she knew that James believed they were back together, an official couple. But she didn't, couldn't think that. Sadie wasn't there yet. So, she stood, just looking at the blue Civic in front of her, almost glaring. The keys in her hand jingled with the tapping of her foot. It took everything she had to climb in, more to start the engine. Looking at her phone, resting in the cup holder, was a completely different story. A red light blinked in the corner, and it was either a sign the Blackberry was dying, or her Allie-is-flipping-shit notion was correct. To be safe, she guessed it was both.

Sure a shit, sixteen missed calls and double in text messages, Allie was pissed.

Everything today seemed to take a lot of energy on Sadie's behalf; getting out of James' bed, leaving his apartment, driving away, driving home. And now, the challenge was going inside. She knew Allie would be the bad cop interrogator she was born to be. The privacy-invading psychiatrist would question her to tears, without caring in the least bit.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

Sadie closed the door behind her, "It's entirely your business."

Allie scoffed and rolled her eyes. As soon as she saw Sadie step through that door, she'd mentally declared war. It was out of character for Sadie to be gone all night, it wasn't normal for her to not text back. And, above all things, it was suspicious. PJ was gone, and sure Sadie knew a few people from school, but outside of acquaintances, Allie was the only person the darker girl spent time with, "I don't have time for your shit."

It was like she could feel it building up inside her. Like she was leveling up to Sadie Grant; the heartless, relentless, blatant bitch. She was getting sick of the transformations, "And clearly, I have time for yours Allie? Look, I was just visiting an old friend, from the Palm Woods."

She wasn't buying it. Liars didn't fly with Allie. Nothing did. Sadie was starting to question, among everything, why she picked her as a friend. It wasn't unheard of, people hating their roommates. And, as Allie lectured and ranted, running her mouth about shit she knew nothing about, Sadie was starting to lean more towards that. Then, Allie said something that hit home, "God, Sadie. I'll never know how PJ trusts you."

But she had to stay calm, "It wasn't James. I haven't talked to him since the grocery store." While getting back into the habit of lying, compulsively, wasn't on the agenda, it surely was creeping it's way back. "It was Camille. She was dating Logan, one of James' friends. I just…I'm really tired. I don't want to talk."

She left after that, headed straight towards her room. And Sadie stayed their for hours, just sitting on her bed and thinking, and thinking, and hating herself. As much as she wanted to stop wallowing in self-pity, she couldn't. She told herself she would, before she stepped foot in the apartment building last night. Sadie was done with it. But Allie, she was so much like Sadie, who Sadie had always been. And she made valid points. And guilt was a feeling Sadie wasn't accustomed to handling. She barely knew how to handle anger, sadness, the basic principles of feeling. This, piled on top of everything she felt for James, was something that was incomprehensible. Tired of confusing herself, desperate for a release, Sadie picked up her phone. If the clock wasn't lying, she'd been sitting in silence for five hours. James did text her, he called her twice, and when she called him back, he sounded relieved, "I was scared you ran off to Miami." He laughed. She said nothing, "Sades?"

"James."

"What's wrong, babe?"

Babe, he said. Babe, like she was his again. For a moment, she just lived in that. And then, Sadie let out a breath, "I need you."

"Right now?"

"Always."

James smiled, holding up a finger to Logan, who tried to usher his friend along. His hand found his pocket, and his hair was flipped out of his eyes. Then, James nodded, knowing she couldn't see it, "I need you, too, Sadie."

"You're not home, are you?"

He shook his head, "Not right now."

"When?"

James looked to the trio, fitted caps and sweats, with expectant looks on their faces, "Two hours, tops. We're going out to eat."

Sadie sighed, "I can't be home."

"Come over, then."

That was all, though. The conversation ended with Sadie's agreement and, without a goodbye, the line was dead. Kendall, Logan and Carlos looked at James. Kendall patting his shoulder, "So, this is happening again. For real?"

Logan's eyebrow went up, "What's happening?"

James scratched his neck, "Sadie's back in town."

It was clear that the boys were skeptical, just as Kendall was when James first told him. But, after a moment of staring at the tallest brunette, Carlos and Logan nodded their heads and smiled. Carlos fixed his cap and slapped James on the back, walking with Kendall in the front of the foursome, "Luck, bro."

Then Logan followed, slinging an arm on James' shoulder, "Yeah, Luck."

Kendall called over his shoulder, "He'll need it."

And they all laughed, because it was something the three of them found funny. But James just gave a small, understanding smile and nodded. And because he thought it was what he was supposed to do, James agreed, "Yeah, thanks."

_reviewers have my babies_:  
><strong>all of you: <strong>I love you, and I'm sorry. I'll give you all elaborate replies next week! I'm just dying over her, yo.

It feels _right_, girl, just give me a _sign_. We can **party all night**, have the time of our lives.


	8. an acoustic affair

**author's note: **we now return you to your regular scheduled Jadie loving.

i'm back, for real, guys. it's been nearly a month and you, honestly, have no idea how apologetic i am. but i feel good about this. i had a james maslow related dream and it just slapped me in the face and said, "fucking write the Hang Ups or die."

i didn't want to die.

and i love you.

and, actually, there's a portion of this that's inspired by my beautiful bro, Jackie. (:

so, here goes, babes.

i missed you (:

i hope you all enjoy this! next chapter out sunday. if the desire strikes, review. and, once again, i'm very, very sorry about the month-long wait.

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter eight  
><strong>an acoustic affair<strong>

A knock at the door pulled James from the couch he'd been lazing around on for what seemed like days. The past week had been relentless; between Sadie Grant and the impromptu acoustic set Gustavo sprung on the quartet, hsi schedule was packed at tight as a Minnesota snow. He glanced at the digital clock above the stove - eleven thirty-seven - and dragged his feet across the wood floor like it was the hardest thing he'd done in his young life. But, all at once, when his eye looked through peephole, he perked up, stood taller, and welcomed the smile on his face, because she was there. Biting her lip, head turned to the side and staring down the hallway, was Sadie Grant. James took whatever moment he could to look at her. There was no doubt, and he'd say it until he was blue in the face - she was beautiful.

The sudden movement of her head snapping towards him, her eyes seemingly locking with his through the tiny window, startled James, and her comment gave reason to laugh, "Jesus, James. I can practically hear you getting hard." Her once innocent, waiting look was replaced with the oh-so-familiar smirk, "Let me in, I have news."

The white wood door opened and Sadie had to take in a breath, as James was standing there, clad in light grey boxer briefs. It nearly left nothing to the imagination, but Sadie could always take it farther as she looked over his body. He wasn't the same, newly-not-teenage boy he was when she'd met him, when she left him. James was a man, and it was the man's turn to smirk, "What sort of news are we talking about?"

Sadie stood on her toes, kissing his lips softly, but never timid. His arms were quick to pull her closer, lift not only her up, but the smallest bit of her bright colored tank top. Her legs involuntarily wrapped around James waist, like it was a natural action for her, completely normal, and she let herself moan the softest sound. That, of course, made James grin like the Chesire cat. But, Sadie would have none of it, she wasn't too quick to let James be that cocky. So, she pulled away, and it seemed like the kiss was cut short, and with a planted kiss on his nose, Sadie said, "Put me down, Diamond."

James was reluctant, but found the silver-lining, tossing her on the white sofa of his once bachelor pad. He made sure she stayed, just like she was - with her hair fanned out as much as it would, at it's current length, around her face - by bracing himself up like a cage around her. He looked down at her mouth for the longest time, until she giggled and sat up a bit, "What's the news, Sades?"

"I had to think of an excuse, right, as to why I'm always gone, because Allie's decided to keep tabs on me. So, I got this...gig as a babysitter, for a little girl named Hannah." She said it in one breath, like her mouth was racing her brain.

James laughed, "Why not just say you got a job?"

"Because, while I do it compulsively, I'm not that great of a liar." Sadie said, "And, if I say I'm working, then bring home no money, she'd catch on. Keep up."

"Right, to the secret affair we're having?" James was sarcastic. Why Sadie wanted to keep him from knowing Allie, knowing this part of her life, he couldn't understand."

"Can I just tell you the exciting part?" He nodded, she continued. "So, Hannah is obsessed with this super lame ass band, Big Time Rush." Sadie paused to smile and take in James' similar expression. Then, she picked through her purse, took out her wallet, and pinched at a piece of paper, "And, she got these tickets to some acoustic set they're doing tomorrow night. So, it's whatever, but I have to go."

James sat up and laughed, "You're shitting me."

"I shit you not, darling." Sadie followed his lead and patted his cheek, smirking, "So, don't suck. I'm about to join the ranks of your fangirls tomorrow."

He leaned forward, his lips just close enough to brush hers, but far enough to make her lean in, "Yeah, but, it's different." Sadie's eyebrow arched, "I'm not dating any of them."

Her hand pushed at his chest, and for a moment, there was an unreadable look in those chocolate brown eyes. Sadie, however, tried to cover it with a small, albiet uncomfortable laugh, before saying, "You're not dating me, either." Because, for the first time since he'd left, eight days ago, Sadie thought of PJ and the necklace that hung off her bathroom mirror.

James' sigh was annoyed, that much was obvious. It made it even more evident, his anger, when he pushed himself to the opposite end of the couch, as far away from Sadie as it would let, "Well, then, what the fuck _are_ we doing?"

Sadie wanted to make a joke out of it, to take back what she'd said, or at least soften the blow. She was already awkward enough. But something, for once - perhaps her conscience - told her to bite her tongue. So, instead, she offered the most lousy, half-hearted explanation she could think of, not even believing, herself, what she was saying, "We're...we're where we were December of 2012, James. We're happy, things aren't complicated and we're enjoying each other's company."

James couldn't hide that he was mad - though, he thought he hid the extent of which he was raged well enough. He had to stand, because sitting next to Sadie didn't seem like a good option anymore. She might've been back in December, like a wallowing Taylor Swift song, but he was beyond that. He was in May of last year, when Sadie agreed to be his girlfriend, or in June, when she said she loved him. James was in a good place, the same place he'd been since he saw her again. He immediately felt like an idiot for thinking, assuming, Sadie was there, too. The kitchen sink became a source of support, as his hands found it's edge, and he took the time he needed to shake his head and practically whisper, "Jesus, Sadie."

And, in that time, he was so deep within himself that he didn't hear her get up, or hear her say, in the shyest voice Sadie had ever used, "James, look at me." He only felt the warmth of her hands, running along his back. How pure and good it felt, despite how heavy the situation was. She was avoiding him, again. James should have been used to it, but, as it were, he didn't want to be. He didn't desire to have to get used to Sadie being reluctant to everything not involving sex. Every other aspect of their relationship couldn't be so vague, or it would kill him. Behind him, Sadie's lips trailed her finger tips; light, almost ghost like kisses on his shoulders. Then, her arms snaked around his waist, and slid down his stomach until they rested at his hips. One of his hands covered both of hers, easily, and he couldn't help but let a deep breath out. Sadie stood there, just breathing him in, and rested her head against his back. She took her turn, breathing out, and mumbled, "I'm sorry, James."

James nodded. "Me, too."

Then, Sadie's phone buzzed on the coffee table, and all the attention was refocused. Both James and Sadie turned, looking over their shoulders, almost glaring, at the Blackberry. She sighed, and turned back, those chocolate brown eyes settling on the most beautiful green she'd ever seen. Green eyes that belonged to a boy, a man, that was hers, if she'd only accept it. She bit her lip, tried to smile, but it came out forced. So, Sadie settled on sighing, "I have to go." Then she smirked, and it was almost a smile, she could swear. James just looked at her, "Hannah and I are making shirts, and, if you don't mind, I'd like to have your face plastered on my chest outside of the bedroom."

Then James laughed, "That," He turned now, kissing her lightly, quickly, but passionately. "Would be great, babe."

So, Sadie squeezed his arm and went back to the living room to grab her bag, her phone. Then, she stood at the door and watched James still at the sink. She felt an entirely different sense of guilt, even more so when he turned and said, "We're going to talk about this, Sadie."

"I know." She said, and even though it shouldn't, it still meant something when she said those two words. And then Sadie winked, smirked and opened the door, "I'll see you tomorrow."

The day passed faster, the shirts came out better, and Sadie was more nervous than she thought, picking up Hannah from school that Friday afternoon. She smiled at the two-feet, six inches blonde that hopped into the back of PJ's car, a permanent loan to Sadie as long as he was out of Los Angeles. The venue, of the smaller variety, was packed from wall to wall with school age, teenage, college aged girls and Sadie felt completely out of her league. The smallest hand reached for hers, and Sadie smiled down at Hannah, frozen, eyes locked with the giant, cardboard cut out of Carlos. She leaned down, speaking into the eight-year-old's ear, "He's not that big in person." Sadie smirked.

Hannah's head snapped towards Sadie, "How do you know that?"

And Sadie just shrugged, "He...he was a friend."

And before Hannah could question it, Sadie pulled her, as gently and firmly as possible, towards their seats. The stage was small, intimate, it made Sadie's hands shake and she could hardly begin to explain why. The concert was masked by screaming, but Sadie vaguely remembered the strum of a guitar, seeing Logan recognize her, wave at Hannah - which had to have made her melt - and James' voice. She'd heard him sing, mumbling melodies, but not like this, not like that. And Sadie fell in love with him, all over again. The pun intended. There was something in his eyes, when he finally saw her standing there, arm around a small child, standing on a chair and shouting for Carlos. Something about the smile he gave her, mid-chorus that made Sadie feel like genuine fangirl. She was giddy, she wanted to scream and pretend like she hadn't slept with James, like he was some enigma, just for the thrill. Like her own fantasy of roleplay. And then her phone vibrated in her hand, immediately after he stepped off stage for their own version of an intermission. And Sadie smiled at the text.

_Wanna be the best babysitter in the world?_

But Sadie didn't respond, because Hannah was crying - ever the one for dramatics - claiming that she'd "Really, honestly and truly die without a t-shirt." And, by the time the line died down, the girls stopped screaming and Kendall lead the quartet of young men back on stage, she didn't have time to. Hannah's homemade Carlos shirt was replaced with a crisp, pink full band tee. She was happy, so Sadie was happy, because Sadie would get a generous tip tonight. And then, James cleared his throat, said, "Alright guys," And made Hannah's dream come true, "We normally bring up a lovely lady for this next song. And tonight, we've got somebody really special in the audience.

Then Carlos took over, and Sadie shook her head at James. If this was his way of trying to sway her, trying to make her admit any feelings, it might have been working. "There's a little girl here, by the name of Hannah Wright, and word has it she's the biggest Big Time Rush fan out there."

Hannah squeezed Sadie's hand, harder that any body builder could even fathom. She froze faster than New York City in The Day After Tomorrow. Sadie couldn't help but laugh, and the crowd cleared around the little girl. She tugged on Sadie's hand, "Sadie, I can't move."

"Of course you can, just pretend he's Santa at the mall." Sadie leaned down, once again, "And you're a princess, a beautiful, beautiful princess. Princess Hannah." The girl looked up at your, "Your court is waiting, go on."

And as Hannah made her way up to the stage, lifted up by Freight Train, Sadie pulled out her phone and smirked at James. He gave a wink and she typed back, _You are so getting laid tonight._

It was late when Sadie got Hannah home, even later when she climbed the creeking steps to her apartment. And there, in the hallway, was something that never ceased to produce butterflies in Sadie Grant's stomach. James Diamond stood up, "You're at my apartment. This is new." James shrugged, Sadie closed the distance and kissed him, "I kind of like it. There's something dangerous about it."

His arms were always comforting around her, "I knocked, so I'm assuming Allie isn't home."

"Which means she won't be tonight."

"Which means..."

Sadie's hands traveled slowly down his back, and grasped at his ass. James smirked and licked his lips. She laughed a little, "It means, Hannah is officially in love with Carlos, if that wasn't clear before. It means, I'm the best babysitter in all the world, or at least Los Angeles. Though, I'd aruge that I could give Super Nanny a run for her money. And, it means," Sadie's lips met James', getting closer to him with every word. He was quick to take control. But, it remained slow, lingering, and there was the slightest hesitation. Their hands, ever-roaming, found eachother's hair, the small of Sadie's back and the muscle's of James' chest. Memorizing each touch, every sensation James was giving her, Sadie moaned. One hand dropped, fishing desperately for her keys, and when she found them, she practically shoved them in the door. Whether it was because of James' pulling at her lips, the constant, gentle and erotic nibbling, or her general, overwhelming eagerness, she wouldn't know, and she wouldn't question. But, judging by the buldge in his pants, that had only formed from the past six minute make-out session, Sadie assumed James was just as eager. The door opened, and both of them stood there for a second, breathing heavily and looking at eachother, before anyone moved. And, even when Sadie took the first step, it was slow, glacial even. Nothing was rushed, there was a sense of calm, and he took her hand, for the first time since they'd been reunited, like he did the night he made love to her.

Sadie tried her best to slow her breathing, closing the door, draping her bag over the back of the couch, and switching on the lamp. James was quick to shut it back off, stepping up behind her and nibbling at her neck. Sadie's eyes rolled back, mimmicking the action of her head. She held his hands in hers, clasping around them, and gently stroked them with her thumb. He sighed, his breath warm, and running down her neck, her spine, "We need to talk, Sadie."

"Do we have to now? Of all the times, Diamond." She turned and looked up at him, the height difference never wavering, even if Sadie had been standing there in eight inch heels. "You picked now."

"We could talk after, ruin the moment. That what you want?"

"I want you. Right now. Right here. On my living room floor." She laughed, "Then in the kitchen, the shower and, when we think we're too exhausted, we'll fall into my bed, then go for another round." And she knew she was being selfish, so Sadie felt obligated to ask, "What do you want, James?"

James decided that moment was appropriate to kiss Sadie, and she'd never protest. His lips were almost perfectly soft, the kiss was tame, far from sloppy, and delicate. He rested his forhead against hers, and, without opening his eyes, "I want you happy. But I want you happy with me."

"Jesus, James. I am happy with you. I'm almost fucking giddy. I always have been. But why can't that be enough." The necklace seemed to scream at her from the bathroom, "Why do we always have to be exclusive."

Sadie, mid-sentence, started walking down towards her room. James stood back for only a moment, then followed, "I said talk, not fight. We're not fighting, Sades. Not tonight, not ever. I'm done with it."

She was already slipping out of her jeans, standing at the end of her bed. James had not once been in this room, but it felt familiar. It was a near replica of her room at the Palm Woods, and he felt this sense of déjà vu that was almost unnerving. Sadie looked at him, she had her hip cocked, her jeans were in one hand and the other dangled by her side, "You weren't supposed to follow me."

James just shrugged, because giving up wasn't something he did anymore. He stepped across the room, around her bed, and stood directly in front of her, making sure that he was the only thing in Sadie Grant's line of vision, "We're going to talk. We're...adults now, or some sad excuse for them. Just talk to me, Sadie. Just fucking talk."

"You want to talk?" James nodded, and he knew it was rhetorical, but he also knew the answer was obvious, "Fine. I'm still not ready. I'm still scared of you, of everything that comes along with the James Diamond package. I mean, what happens if we do this, if we try us again and it doesn't work?" She said, throwing her jeans across the room, and in her haste, missing the hamper.

"What if it does? You can run your mouth about me being stubborn, about me wanting something - that, you know, will be good for us - but you're so damn unwilling to even try, Sadie." James' tone was soft, but, his hands were frantic, expressive. "Give it a fucking chance before you knock down everything I'm trying to build."

Then she was quiet, because her better judgment was telling Sadie to ask James to leave. Her newly present conscience was forcing her to listen, making her think of that damn ring on the bathroom mirror. She looked down, back up, then walked to him, and hugged him tight, "You know you don't want to chance it, just as much as I don't. I can't afford losing you again."

"You lost me at your own fault. And, besides, I'm not letting you leave so easily a second time." James smiled.

Sadie smirked, ignoring that James was right, "No, I mean I literally can't afford it. Mrs. Wright pays handsomely, but no price is as handsome as a shrink." Sadie tapped his nose and then followed with a kiss.

James grabbed her sides and squeezed, making Sadie giggle in response, "She's got jokes?"

"Damn good ones." And she sat down on the edge of the bed, inching her James Diamond fangirl shirt up. He laughed, more so at his face pasted across her chest than anything, "Now, replace this James with the real one, or get out of my apartment."

"We'll finish this, eventually, Sadie."

She sat forward, ran her hands along the edge of his jeans, up his shirt and lifted the v-neck. Light kisses on the line of his abdomen were accompanied by moans, "Mm, not before I finish you."

James turned his head to the side and let out the cockiest of guffaws before laying Sadie back and covering her mouth with his, "You're a smart ass sometimes, you know?"

"You love it."

And, after the words escaped her lips, left uncovered as James traveled down her jaw, he stopped. James lifted his head and searched for her eyes in the small light coming from the bathroom, "I really do, Sades."

She said the only thing she could, then. The only thing that, coincidentally, got to James. Sadie looked back at him and said those two damn words that had lead James along this past year. Sadie bit her lip, nodded and said, "I know." And that was it.


	9. it happened then

**author's note: **hello, beauts. here's the next chapter.

there's going to be a lot of chapters like this, because James and Sadie only have so long together before PJ comes back, y'know. so, there'll be plenty of chapters that stop in the middle of the day, then the next continues...that...day.

who is ready for a cute/fluffy/filler Jadie chapter, eh?

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter eight  
><strong>it happened then<strong>

_"I need you."_

_"Right now?"_

_"Always."_

_"I need you, too, Sadie."_

James pushed Sadie back, as gently as he could, lips attached to hers. His hand slipped under her shirt, as he crawled on top of her. Things were going perfectly slow, his lips on hers, his hand sliding up her stomach, sitting her back up only to remove his face on her chest, then immediately replace it. She moaned, of course, and her head fell back. Sadie loved every touch, how drawn out they seemed, how gentle and loving James was with her. She imagined he saved this side of him for her, and even if it was true, she was always in ectasy whenever James' fingertips touched any part of her body. It was getting progressively harder to hide just how much she loved it. Because Sadie did love it. And, Sadie did love James. He could always tell just how much, when they were in a comprimising position, because she clawed at his back, and her eyes rolled into her head, and she bit back every moan. And, perhaps it wasn't the most reliable sorce, but it provided clarity for him - that this wasn't over, like Sadie claimed it was. They weren't in December, they were now. They were mending, and healing, and feeling. They were loving each other, even if the vow was unspoken.

James' hand pushed down the shorts Sadie was sporting, skillyfully. And she ripped at his shirt, finally getting it over his head when he sat up. His fingers ran up her thighs, one by one, and traced the outline of her underwear, gently tickling her most sensitive spots. Sadie bit her lip and nearly grunted, "God, I love when you do that."

He smirked, "I love when you moan."

And Sadie's eyes shut, and her mouth opened and seemed to move, form words, on it's own, "I love you."

For a second, they both stopped moving. They both stopped thinking. They both stopped breathing, and Sadie's eyes popped open. James was trying not to look at her, not directly, but it was hard for him. He wanted to say it back, but he didn't want to scare Sadie off. So, he just sat there, both of them sat there, confused and worried that something was happening. But then, Sadie let a breath out, and she laughed a bit. James finally made eye contact with her, smirk followed by a chuckle, and said, "I told you."

To which, Sadie replied, "Shut up, asshole." And pulled his lips back down to hers.

James held her head, fingers tangled in her hair - that had been hastily thrown up, at the concert. His lips moved slowly, like his was massaging her. Scarcley did he stop to breathe, and when he pulled away, Sadie was quick to yank him back. She needed him. It seemed like all they would get to was heavy petting, and even that would have been something. But, James finally broke himself away from Sadie long enough to take his pants off, followed by those damn boxer briefs she'd loved so much on him - though, she admitedly loved them off more. And, he yanked her towards the edge of the bed, by her ankles, and tore away her underwear, tossing them across the room. James lifted her, easily, and carried her to the dresser, where he paused. He was tired of waiting.

Sadie looked at the many trinkets, pictures, body spray bottles and what have you on her wardrobe and bit her lip, "Just throw it on the ground. Throw it on the ground, James."

So, he did. Holding Sadie up with one arm, he used the other to swipe a place clean. She giggled and held onto him tighter, when he set her down. And then, James was slamming into Sadie, moaning loudly, but slightly worried about the effect the corners of the dresser would have on the wall. She didn't seem to mind, biting on his shoulder and screaming his name. But, and for the second time that night, she said something that caught him off guard. Sadie kissed his neck and said, loudly, "I'm so wet for you."

And James had to stop for a second to laugh. Sadie's hands immediately covered her face, and she was apologizing, frantically. James just kept laughing, trying to pull her hands away, "What did you just say?"

"God, oh my God." Sadie was hysterical, laughing and embarassed. "I am so sorry. Jesus, PJ makes - uh, made me say that, all the time."

"Oh, really?" James smirked, "What else does he make you say?"

Sadie shook her head, finally dropping her hands and looking at James, "You, honestly, don't want to know."

"I think I really do." James was teasing her, holding her hands down at his sides, "Dude sounds like a freak."

She didn't say anything for a second, just shook her head and looked down, smiling. James liked that, when she was awkward, embarassed in front of him. He'd always had a thing for vulnerable Sadie, there's was something so beautiful, regal even, about her when she got like this. Finally, she sighed and kissed his lips, lightly, "This...this is a lost cause, today, isn't it?"

And James, while reluctant, nodded, chuckling a little before lifting her once more to assit her off the dresser. She looked at the things on her floor, and noticed the broken frame around a picture of her and PJ. Sadie didn't mean to, but she smiled at it. She smiled, because pieces of her were falling back to where they were supposed to be. She smiled, because old Sadie would do something like this - half-heartedly commit to someone, something, then spend her nights with someone else. And, while she would admit that cheating wasn't ever on her agenda, she loved the Sadie she was becoming again. She looked up at James, who was staring at her, quietly. She smirked and tugged at his hands, "Come on, I'm tired."

They lay together, in her wrinkled sheets, Sadie's head on James' shoulder and James running fingers through her messed hair. It was comfortable in the room, even if the heat off their bodies made it stuffy. Sadie didn't feel like she was forced to talk, like she would if PJ were laying next to her and not James. She didn't think she needed to make any noise whatsoever, but something was begging her to say one thing. And, it was harder to ignore as the seconds ticked by. So, she closed her eyes and settled more into James' hold, "He's nothing like you."

But, he didn't say anything, James. Sadie knew he was awake, and therefore, should have responded. But, James didn't. He just squeezed her closer and kissed her head. And that was alright. It was fine that he didn't speak, as long as he knew. And, James knew. He was ecstatic that Sadie was finally recognizing it, in the most modest way possible. After that, they fell asleep. Both exhausted, both in bliss. Sadie accepting that sex didn't define their relationship, James acknowleding that love didn't, either.

Sadie woke up that morning, naturally. No alarms, no Allie barking at her like a drill instructor, just sunlight streaming through her window. It would have been the most relaxing experience, had she not immediately recalled falling asleep next to a certain James Diamond - who neglected to be there now. She supposed she shouldn't have been too shocked, he probably left early to avoid any chance of Allie seeing him, but he could have woke her up. Then again, that's the type of thing a boyfriend would do for a girlfriend. And, as it was, and despite James' strongest desires, Sadie made sure they weren't a couple. So, when she stretched her arms up, back and out, she decided to not let it bother her. Instead, she chose to take a long, hot shower and try her hardest to drown out the world, if only momentarily. She stepped over the scattered piles of clothes, and still shoved away belongings in her typically neat room, and towards the bathroom door in a sleepy stupor. Her eyes were barely open, blinking at the light from the bathroom, and closing fully as she reached in to turn the water on. For a second, she let it run over her hands and smiled a bit at the feeling. From the other door, the side that lead to Allie's bedroom, Sadie heard movement. She was definitely home, which meant that James was wise to leave, even if Sadie didn't particularily want him to. She pulled the large shirt over her head, tugged down her underwear, and let out her messy bun before stepping underneath what she was imagining was a waterfall.

Then it was quiet. Only for a moment, though. Soon after, Sadie's drifting thoughts were gathered by the softest sound. One eye opened, and she slowly turned towards the part of the shower she'd had her back to. And there he was, crouched in the corner, trying not to get wet, clad only in his jeans, "Sadie."

Her eyes would have popped out of her head, in shock, had she no self-control. Instead, she jumped and whisper-shouted, "Jesus! Oh, shit. James, what the hell are you doing?"

"I was draining the snake, you know?" He tried to stand as far away from the water as possible, the bottoms of his pants already wet. Sadie bit back a laugh at his struggle, and his comment, "And I heard Allie come home."

"So, your logical hide-out was the shower?" Sadie's eyebrow lifted, and her hip cocked, "Diamond, I knew you weren't the brightest, but I'd never bunch you in the 'I'm a fucking idiot' category. What if this had been Allie, and not me?"

"Well," James started, "I was going to leave, but I fell asleep."

"Okay, stop. You need to leave."

James' tone was hurt, but Sadie would call bullshit until her death. He stepped towards her, to hell with his jeans, "Why? Allie's asleep, you're already naked, it's almost perfect."

"Yeah, only problem is, this bathroom not only connects to my room." Sadie said, annoyed, turned on, and annoyed because she was so damn turned on, "It's connected to Allie's, too. And you're a screamer, Diamond."

And, as if on some ironic, out-to-get-them cue, there was a yawn, some shuffling and the sound a doorknob made from Allie's end of the bathroom. Sadie froze, James followed, and the water still beat down on them. Sadie lifted a finger to her lips, making sure James wouldn't fuck this up. He nodded, somewhat reluctantly, and stood still as a statue. Allie entered the steam-filled bathroom, waving a hand in front of her face, "Good morning, Sadie."

"Morning, Als." Sadie peeked her head out of the curtain, stepping around James, who was now drenched under the shower head. He pouted and pinched Sadie's side, forcing her to fake a cough and mask a laugh, "Do I need to cockblock any straggling sexcapades, or did you strike out?"

Allie laughed, pretending to brush dirt off her shoulder. She wasn't a morning person, but compared to how she acted the rest of the day, she was positively cheery between eight and ten o'clock, "You know I never strike out. I went to her place."

"That's new, but appreciated." Allie stood, from the toilet, and Sadie smirked. "You can go ahead and flush. I'm shaving, so I'm away from the water."

Allie didn't argue, just shrugged and did as Sadie suggested, waving her goodbye and leaving the bathroom. James yelped, as quietly as he could, convinced the water was peeling his skin off. Sadie hid her laughter behind a hand, but only until James grabbed her, "That's it." He whispered, "You're mine."

"This is considered rape, right?" Sadie smirked.

James mirrored the upward turn of her lips, "Not if you're willing."

Getting James out of the apartment was easier than they both thought. Though, it didn't stop them from running frantically down the hall, through the living room, and out into the hall like scared teenagers avoiding hell from a strict parent. Sadie was short of breath when James kissed her, which hurt more than it helped. And, though she tried to stop it, she thought of the first time PJ had kissed her. Because it was a moment like this, when she was out of breath, and happy. Although, with James, the signal wasn't misread as romance, when she came up breathing heavy. Still, the memory triggered guilt, the guilt made her stomach churn, and Sadie knew she'd have to tell him. She stared up at him, "Your pants are still soaked."

"They'll dry." James shrugged. He noticed something in the way she looked at him, "What's the look?"

Sadie shook her head, "Nothing. Let's do something. Anything, just don't leave me here with her."

He laughed, nodded, and took Sadie's hand, "Come on."

Sadie followed, willingly. Similar to how she had sex with him, willingly, in the shower. There was something exhilerating about all of this, everything she was doing. The sneaking around with James reminded her, fondly, of their rules. But with such memory came how they broke every single rule they'd laid out. And how everything fell apart. She started to think that James had the right idea, refusing to lay down guidelines for this friendship. But, on the other side of it, Sadie had built her life on guidelines and rules. No falling in love. No getting stuck in a rut. No doing anything that isn't for yourself. Selfish rules, awful rules. Rules that kept Sadie from living. But, James made a habit of breaking her rules, and Sadie was still - after all this time - unsure if she hated it or loved it, like she loved him.

It was only when James pulled up to his apartment building that Sadie became uncontrollably nervous, "James. This is like taking me to meet the fucking parents."

"Not exactly." He got out of the car, ran around the front, and stood, leaning outside Sadie's window, "But, the infamous Brooke Diamond will be here next month. If you were interested."

"And, I'm the smart ass? James, they don't want to see me." Sadie rolled her eyes, slowly getting out of the sleek, black whatever James was driving. She breathed in, out and closed her eyes, "They probably think I'm a bitch."

"They do."

"Fuck you."

"Just, come on." James laughed. His arm wrapped around her waist, in an attempt at reassurance. Sadie stepped in time with him, her hands at her sides and playing with the ends of her dress. She didn't exactly have a solid relationship with his friends. When they'd met, she was the girl James had been keeping secret. The wedge in their friendship. And, while they'd moved past that, it was a different time now. Not only was Sadie someone James hid away from his friends, Sadie was someone who broke their best friend's heart. She was someone, the one, who left James. She could understand if they didn't forgive her, and she almost hoped they wouldn't. Because, Sadie could never promise that she wouldn't hurt James again.

She was pacing, silently in the elevator. Winced when they stepped into the hallway, and rubbing her hands on her legs when James knocked on Logan and Carlos' door. There were so many ways this moment could go. Carlos answered the door. Sadie always liked Carlos - not to say she didn't enjoy Logan and Kendall, he was just more approachable. He smiled at James, did the female-population-confusing bro shake, then finally noticed her standing there. She grinned, sheepishly, noting that she'd probably never feel so nervous agian in her life. But Carlos, being a gentleman and forever kind, hugged her, with a smile and said, "It's been a while."

It had. And she knew that. But she smiled back and said, "Yeah."

James squeezed her hand, but didn't look at her, pulling her into the bachelor pad, known fondly as the Black Hole - as anything brought into it, was unlikely to escape. Sadie stepped up behind the couch with James, where Logan and Kendall sat playing video games. She smiled and shrugged, "It's good to see old habits die hard."

Both boys turned, Carlos sat in a beanbag chair to the right of the couch, and Logan said, "Sadie, hey."

While Kendall just turned and said, "I could say the same." Looking between James and Sadie.

James smacked the back of the blonde's head. There was no reason for him to be a dick, not now. Later, when Sadie had left - if she left - he could say his piece to James. How stupid he thought it was, but how he'd support it. Just like Kendall always did. And, in a way, James understood his need to be standoffish. Sadie didn't have to spend three months with James, crammed on a tour bus, while he was moping, feeling sorry for himself. Logan stood, wiped his hands on his jeans, then hugged Sadie, patting her back. She took in a breath, "Hey, Logan."

Kendall finally stood, "Hey, Kendall." Sadie said.

He looked at her, offered a hand, then pulled Sadie in to hug her, "Sadie Grant. I honestly never thought we'd see you again."

She laughed. James laughed. Kendall, Carlos and Logan laughed. Then a crash came from the kitchen, a small shriek and Logan winced, "I should go help her."

Sadie's eyebrow arched. She looked up at James, who looked at Logan, who looked towards the kitchen when a voice shouted, "No, it's alright. I didn't need help."

And then she was standing there. Brown curls messed, and expression annoyed. When she saw Sadie, however, something twisted her mouth into a smile, a frown, a scowl, a smirk. No one knew how to read it, then again, that wasn't new for Camille Roberts.


	10. get to running

**a **

**uthor's note: **this is going to be a thing: we're updating on Wednesdays AND Sundays, now. because for reasons. also, i miss my readers, i understand why i've lost a few of you, but i misses you, babes.

it's cool, though. i gots mad love for those still here, and those gone.

what am i saying?

nothing intelligent.

get on with it. chapter ten, yo.

one more thing, i got the best review in the world, on _the Benefits_, from the username unread. it made my entire weekend. which, wasn't all that bad, considering my sister is here for the week.

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups__  
><em>chapter seven  
><strong>get to running<strong>

Still above clichés, Sadie didn't say anything. No heartfelt, tearful apology. No reached-out, grasping hand. She didn't move, and nobody else in the room dared to, either. There was tension, and more than when Sadie saw James for the first time, again. Because, James understood that Sadie needed space, and Sadie needed to sort her mind out, and Sadie had left him. So, he never tried to contact her. Camille knew that what Sadie Grant was doing - leaving James, the counseling, going to college - was a load of bullshit. And, for six months, Camille relentlessly texted, called, e-mailed, went as far as writing letters to Sadie.

And nothing ever happened.

Camille could be dramatic; she pounced on every chance to be. Now was no exception, and Sadie was feeling it. She looked up at James, who seemed just as confused as everyone else, and realized she had no support in this. Sadie was standing there, a face-off with Camille, and no one was going to help her. Because no one knew. Camille was holding a dish towel, but it slapped the tile at the edge of the kitchen with the force she put behind her frustrated throw. It was only natural, then, for Camille to storm down the hall. Sadie bit her lip, squeezed James' hand, then took off after her. And, when James started to follow, Logan was there to stop him. There was no controlling his girlfriend when she was like this. There was no controlling Camille, period.

It looked like Logan's room, a Med Camp certificate on the dresser, a poster of Wayne Gretzky - though, Sadie figured you could find that in any of the boys' four rooms. But, it smelled like Logan, so it was easy to come to that conclusion. Sadie didn't know what to say, if she should say anything. She hoped, secretly, that it was enough that she followed after Camille. That the other brunette in the room, tearing up and with a sudden change of heart, would turn and hug her old friend. But she didn't. Camille just stood, looking out the window, with her back to Sadie and her foot tapping. Sadie sat on assumed-Logan's bed and waited for the rapture to come, and when it didn't, she finally gathered her words, "You hate me."

"Yeah. I hate you." Camille scoffed.

And then Sadie was quiet, and Camille took her time to finally turn around and confront her. But, in the time between, the silence was enough to kill both of them. For the first time, Sadie realized just what she did. Because when she left the Palm Woods - jaded, feeling sorry for herself - she didn't just _leave_ the _Palm Woods_. Sadie left Kendall, who was just as sarcastic and smart-mouthed as her. She left Logan, who always smiled at her, was always sweet and kind. Sadie left Carlos, who was by far her favorite - though, she'd never admit - because he was funny, and charming, and sweet. She left Camille, the first, the only true girl friend she'd ever had. And, then, there was James. The point was, Sadie left a family, and friends, and people who cared about her. Who she cared about. And, at the time, blocking that out seemed easier than accepting she was wrong. Accepting that selling out wasn't what she should have done. In that moment, all the counseling, going to college, PJ and Allie seemed wrong. Seemed in vain.

Camille started to speak, but Sadie was quick to cut her off. Because she knew what she needed to say, and she had to say it, "I fucked up. I fucked up big time." She breathed, "I can't...you don't know how sorry I am, Camille. You can't. I should have texted you, or called you back. I shouldn't have left in the first place. I just...fucked up."

She didn't need to hug her, Camille. Because the smirk on her face - one that read, I-was-right-all-along - was enough. Sadie looked at her, an expression of guilt and anguish and acceptance on her face, and shrugged. Camille shrugged back, "Now you get it."

"I get it."

"You weren't, you aren't, just James' girlfriend or someone he fucked like rabbits, Sadie." Camille laughed, Sadie followed. "You were my friend. My first friend since Jo left, and that was something. Just do me this favor, if you're going to make a dramatic exit, give us two weeks notice."

Sadie scoffed, "It was hardly dramatic. I happily leave that to you."

Camille bowed, "And it's equally appreciated. I missed you, Grant."

"I missed you, Roberts."

The girls stepped out in the hallway, and the boys all stood at attention. James next to Logan, Kendall and Carlos in the back. At that sight, Camille leaned over to Sadie, with a smirk, and whispered, "Logan and I still make the better couple, though."

Sadie scoffed, again, and mock-glared at Camille, "You only wish. Me and James would make fucking sexual babies."

And that was it. When Sadie got back to James, his put his arm around her, kissed her head and whispered, "That was easy." She nodded, in reply. Her fingers stayed laced with his for the majority of the afternoon. The group of six played Mario Kart, Dead Island, Wii Sports, anything that was available. They ordered a pizza, and everything felt so normal. Everything was like it was, back at the Palm Woods, when they all seemed a bit more childish, immature, something less than where they were today. The fact that it was like something out of a movie bit at Sadie's nerves. She wanted things to fit together, she wanted everyone happy. But, she sensed that it was the speed everything was determined to race at was what made her wary.

Allie always seemed to speak in this condescending, motherly tone. At least since PJ left. Sadie knew it was because she planted the suspicion in her head. She kicked herself, constantly, for even mentioning his name that day. _"It wasn't James. I haven't talked to him since the grocery store."_And Sadie knew that Allie knew it was her guilty conscience talking because she was all-too keen, and Sadie blamed her college major. Still, treating Sadie like a child wasn't something that was entirely, even half necessary. And it certainly wasn't something she'd appreciated. The only thing Allie seemed to be good for, anymore, was a quick distraction from James. Hannah was in Disney World for two weeks with her parents, and when Sadie saw Camille, it was always with James. And, it wasn't that she didn't want to be around the muscular brunette, she just couldn't be around him as much. And now, with Allie leaving to help her single, pregnant, ever-trashy sister, Sadie's options were stay alone, in the shabby apartment, or spend every moment she could with James Diamond. The comfort of his arms had never been so inviting.

"You're going to be alright, yeah?" Allie asked, poking her head into Sadie's room, "I wouldn't leave unless she really needed me, and I'll be back in a week."

Sadie leaned up on her elbows, "Yeah." She breathed, "I'll be fine."

"Great. Love you, bitch."

"Love you, Al."

And then she was gone. When the door clicked, off in the living room, a deep chuckle came from beneath Sadie's blankets. She lifted them, glaring, and kicked the source, hard, "You're a fucking asshole, you know that, Diamond?" She growled. James pulled himself up and kissed her, "I said hide, not do _that_."

"You didn't seem to mind that much." James' tone was cocky, and Sadie wanted to punch the smirk off his face. Instead she pushed him off of her and pulled herself from the bed. Her jeans were practically begging not to be pulled on, but Sadie had things she needed to do; things involving pants, and clothes, and not staying in bed all day with James Diamond. He grabbed her wrist, "Where are you going? Hannah's gone. Allie's gone. I don't plan on leaving this bed for the week."

Sadie smirked, plucking away James' fingers individually, "Clingy is not a look you should wear often, Diamond."

James ignored her, draped an arm over his eyes and transitioned a whistle into a smooth, soft rock seventies song, "Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight. Gonna grab some afternoon delight."

"James."

"My motto's always been, 'When it's right, it's right'. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?"

"Jesus Christ." Her eyes couldn't keep from rolling.

James sat up and pulled Sadie down. She laughed, because she wanted to, and smiled at him like an idiot. James must have liked that, because he kissed her, then continued, with his lips still lightly brushing her, "When everything's a little clearer in the light of day." Sadie's head fell back, against the pillow, and James crawled on top of her, "And, we know the night is always gonna be there anyway."

"Okay, alright." Sadie's surrender wasn't forced, in the back of her mind she'd hoped James would convince her to stay perpetually in bed, in his arms, for one week. It sounded like paradise to her. Still, there was this looming sense of responsibility, girlfriend responsibility, promised responsibility. It was eating at her, and Sadie needed an excuse. "But, we're not just lying here all week. We're going out, having fun, and seeing the actual light of day." Then, she actually forced herself out of James' hold, "Which means, you need to get your ass out of my apartment, and go get some damn clothes."

James groaned, "And so it begins."

"Yeah, yeah." Sadie smirked, "Fuck you. Let's go."

"You're breaking my balls, Sades." James remarked, finally standing, tugging on jeans and pulling on a v-neck. He looked like he was suiting up for the walk of shame, in yesterday's clothes. Sadie laughed, James smirked. "I'll be back."

"Alright, Arnold." Sadie saluted, "Go fuck your housekeeper and then come back, deal?"

James was leaning over the end of the bed, Sadie on the other side. He kissed her, like a husband leaving his wife for work, and Sadie took a moment to love that thought, then toss it out. James smiled his smile, genuine and adorable, and then waved another goodbye before stepping out the door, down the hallway, and from Sadie Grant's apartment. She waited until she heard the click of the front door before she sat down at the desk in the corner of her room. Skype opened, loaded and almost immediately, a call was coming in.

Sadie put on her best smile, with a dash of Dorothy Gale innocence, and answered. But, before she could speak a word, he did, "Baby, I feel like I've been away for years. I miss you."

And she lied, but not entirely, "I know. I miss you, too, PJ. What day are you coming back again?"

"The sixth of August." He grinned. Then, his expression changed to one of confusion, some hurt, and what Sadie thought was a little anger, "Where's your ring, baby?"

Sadie's hand went to her neck. Then she turned towards the bathroom door, "Oh, sorry." She stood, crossed the room, snatched up the gold chain and then sat back down, whilst fastening it on. "I, um, just got out of the shower."

"Yeah, alright." PJ said, and while his tone sounded convinced, Sadie knew he was less than such. And he had every reason to be, though she doubted he knew why. Other than some reluctance, PJ wouldn't ever know how unwilling Sadie was to have that ring. The real reason she hesitated to say the three words he loved to preach, "Well, I just wanted to check up on you."

"Yeah."

"But, I've gotta go." He gave a small smile, some cheesy, blown kiss that almost made Sadie vomit, then said, "I love you, Sadie."

And she swallowed, nodded, and replied, "I love you, too."

And then, everything fell apart. Because, as soon as Sadie closed the window, ended the conversation that resembled hell more than love, Sadie heard him shift behind her, clear his throat, and say her name, "Sadie?"

She didn't want to turn, because that would be bad. But, she couldn't ignore it, hope he'd go away, because that would be worse. So, she took a breath and closed her eyes, tried to do both, whispering, "It's not what it looks like James."

"You wearing a ring from PJ, skyping with him, telling him…" But James couldn't say it, because he knew it wasn't true. Sadie was lying, she had to be, there was no logical explanation other than that - one big, long, Sadie Grant lie. "Jesus Christ, Sadie."

He started to leave, he wanted to leave and he should have. James had every right to be furious. But, Sadie followed him, and he guessed - later, discovered - it was because she had to say something. Sadie needed to defend herself, and James let her - though, he'd never know why. She stood there, staring at him like he was the one who needed to talk. Her hands were seemingly glued to the middle of her waist, resting on her narrow hip bones, and her mouth formed a small 'O' shape. She kept looking from him, to the ground, and back again. When he'd almost had enough, he started to turn, but she finally managed a sentence at that threat, "You don't understand."

"You're right." James scoffed. He wasn't pretending that this was a load of bullshit. He wasn't faking sympathy, because Sadie wasn't just cheating on PJ, she was cheating on James. He didn't have any desire to be the 'other guy' in any relationship, regardless of the feelings he had for Sadie. "Why don't you fucking explain it."

Sadie breathed, "I don't know if I can."

"Then I don't know if I can give a shit."

Her head fell back - as though _she_ was annoyed, as though _her_ heart was being shattered, as though _Sadie_ was the one who caught James in this bat-shit-crazy web of lies. "You don't have to act like that, James. Jesus. I'm..."

"How the fuck do you want me to act, Sadie? Like I'm alright with this? Like I'm just fucking peachy. I'm not." James' voice was louder than Sadie had ever heard it. She didn't know if it was because of the echo in the near empty apartment, or the fury fueling his words. She imagined a mixture of both, "I'm not pretending for you anymore."

"He was there, James." That's a simple as she could make it. PJ was there when Sadie fucked up. And, he never asked questions. He loved her, without knowing what she'd been through, what she'd done to herself, to her friends. PJ had no idea that Sadie was more than capable and more than willing to just shit on his heart, like it meant nothing. He didn't know that side of her, and that made her happy. It was hard to cut someone like that off. Someone who made you forget, and Sadie didn't think James would understand that. So, she just stood there, taking a step when James did, shrugging her shoulders when James wanted something more, a full explanation. But, all Sadie could say was, "PJ was there."

"And that makes it okay?" He rolled his eyes, his hands excessively expressive. "Because you found some college-boy replacement for me, because he was there, that justifies cheating on him."

Sadie had enough. She wasn't about to be reprimanded, "You told me to! You fucking encouraged me!"

"Don't you fucking dare, Sadie. Don't you dare make this my fault."

"Fuck you, James."

James shook his head, "No, you're done with that. This is fucking over until you get your head on straight, Sadie. Until you realize that you can't do this shit to people. Not to me, not to PJ. Nobody is going to put up with this anymore. This is your fault. You did this."

And she cried. Sadie actually cried. Because James was finally done with her, and she knew it would get to this point - she just didn't want to be there to see it. She wanted this last summer, she wanted to move on. And she couldn't. Now, he was back under her skin, where she thought he belonged, and he was pulling himself away. Pushing her back. Sadie just cried. Her arms crossed under her chest, her body shook. James wanted to hold her, because this actually was his fault. But, not for a second did he think he was too harsh on her. Just, for the first time in Sadie's life, someone was honest with her. It scared her, it shook her, she was breaking. She looked down, Sadie couldn't even think about looking at James, and she whispered the most pathetic, dramatic, As The World Turns worthy, "I'm so sorry, James. I'm so fucking sorry."

James' voice was softer when he finally spoke. He looked Sadie, up and down, and sighed. "You have to make the choice. You choose, PJ or me. And, then, you call me. You call me, Sadie, and you tell me - either way. If you think that PJ is right for you, this ring," He flicked it, hard, and scoffed, bitter, "Is right for you, then I'll leave." And then, he reached out and touched her. James lifted Sadie's chin so he was looking into those dark, chocolate, albeit puffy eyes, "But, if I know you, and I do. You'll make a better choice. And it's not cocky, it's not arrogant. It's the truth, Sadie. I don't have to try and prove myself to you with cheap jewelry. Even if I thought I had to, I'd at least break a penny. I'm going to love you, for the rest of my life, Sadie. And, I know for a fact, you'll love me. Even if you choose PJ and all the PJ's after, it's going to be me."

Sadie kept quiet. Her mind was racing. She touched James' hand on her cheek, down to the ring around her neck, and breathed, "James. James, you can't leave. You can't hate me. Don't hate me, not again."

"I'm mad. That's an understatment, I've never been more furious in my life, Sadie. But it's not because you're still with him, it's because you lied." James' gentle demeanor, his soft touch was almost eerie. But, Sadie would never push him away. "But, I promise you I will never hate you."

"I deserve it."

"Yeah, you do. Or, you would, if you weren't Sadie Fucking Grant." He tried to soothe her with a laugh. His own nerves were calming, but in the back of his mind was the sense that he'd never fully forgive Sadie for this. He could look past it, he could move on. But, James would never forget, he'd hardly forgive. He'd always love, though, and that seemed like it was enough, "I'm going home."

"Alright."

"Go...think. Go be alone. Then call me."

"Alright, James."

"I love you, Sadie. I have for a year."

She wanted to tell him to shut up, not to say that to her. But, instead, Sadie followed her gut, she did what she felt for the first time in a year, "Actually, one year, two weeks, six days, forty-six minutes and three seconds. But whose counting." She sniffled, her nose completely stuffed, her eyes puffed up, red and splotchy. "I love you, too, James."


	11. this time, okay

**author's note: **i understand...completey, if you hate me.

so, i'm officially the worst person in the history of people. and…i am sorry.

this chapter…it's good, i think. and you see Sadie and PJ when things were good and not James-y.

and smut.

and yes.

whilst writing this, i listened to:  
><em>Forever<em> by **Ben Harper**  
><em>Walk Away<em> by **Ben** Harper  
><em>Drive <em>by **The Cars**  
>and <em>Back to Her<em> by **Five Way Friday**

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter eleven  
><strong>this time, okay<strong>

James hoped that his confidence wasn't misplaced. He knew, and genuinely, that Sadie would pick him. Part of him hated saying that, however, because Sadie shouldn't have to make this choice. And, as furious as James was that Sadie was lying to him, practically cheating on him, he was in love with her. And, unfortunately, that seemed to alter his better judgment. His focus, however, was better than ever. James assumed, and passed it off as some subconscious need to prove himself to Sadie. He knew, of course, that she'd never see him working his ass off in rehearsals, or killing it on vocals for Big Time Rush's new songs. She'd never see that side of James; the side that poured himself into his work, the dedicated side. But, James felt immensely better thinking that it had some sort of affect on her decision.

The guys were focused, too, of course. They were used to a hasty, hectic work schedule. It seemed, even with their break, that they never stopped. An album dropped, they barely waited for the singles to take off, and then BOOM tour. It was just the way Gustavo worked, and after so many years, the guys were used to it. They didn't even question the lack of Sadie. It was hard to maintain a relationship with their career. The only reason Camille was around was because she practically lived with Logan and Carlos.

Sadie was, and always would be, a different story. And, finally, after what was going on two years, Carlos, Logan and Kendall recognized that. James and Sadie's relationship would never be conventional, or normal, or even healthy. It was uniquely theirs. It was something they'd have to work on, for however long they lasted. Their communication was horrible, their trust issues were in the millions, and their sex drive was something to be noticed – which wasn't all that bad. The point was, there was no changing them. So, they stopped trying to convince James to give up hope, they stopped trying to tear them apart. Because, if Sadie and James were ready to stop, they'd do it.

And that's why James was so secure. He knew.

James said to take her time, so she did. In fact, Sadie took two weeks – which, looking back on it, seemed excessive. Because, when she reached her final conclusion, she felt like it was time wasted. Sadie didn't need to dwell on the memories she had with PJ, because she knew who'd she was picking all along. Had she been picking PJ, she would have thought of the good times with James, right? Right. Still, actually carrying out the choice was a task in itself, and she couldn't bring herself to Skype with PJ. It was petty, breaking up with someone like that, and she didn't want to. But, cheating was something worse.

With that, the fear of how dependent she actually was on James was threatening her picking. She didn't want to choose James just because she thought she "needed" him, or because she thought he "needed" her. In the grand scheme of things, she didn't know if it was actually true. And she wasn't going to base a relationship off of an addiction – and that's was James was, an addiction. It was scary. Because, what if everything failed? What if everything fell apart because Sadie picked James and not PJ? What if the same result happened because she picked PJ and not James? There was so much pressure.

And, by the time she opened her laptop and signed into Skype, she felt like maybe two weeks wasn't enough. He answered the call faster than she expected, faster than she wanted him to, and Sadie sort of froze. PJ looked more bronze than before, which made his teeth look whiter, making his smile brighter. It made her sad, thinking about when she'd first met him.

He was just this stupid California boy. The stereotypical surfer. He wasn't anything special – in fact, there were six other PJ look-alike's in that hallway, alone. But, he was cute and charming, and he talked to Sadie. And, when you added Allie to the mix, they were a trio to be reckoned with. They made a good team, too; PJ and Sadie. They were both exceedingly competitive and painfully aggressive. But, then again, so was James. They spent too many nights on the boardwalk, playing arcade games, laughing. Their first weeks were ideal. Patrick James was a Prince, honestly. He was every teenage girl fantasy; athletic, heart of gold, talented in what he did.

He made Sadie feel special, wanted, cared for. She may have lived on her own, had all these experiences, stories full of bad choices, but there was still a touch of naivety in her. PJ exposed that.

Their second month, they had sex. It was slow, and passionate, but Sadie felt sick afterwards and she didn't know why. It was romantic, and normal that they waited this long. She didn't like that, she guessed, but she knew she did, at least partially, love the attention. There were upsides and downsides to being in a relationship with PJ Tomley, she discovered five, six, seven weeks in. Though, Sadie assumed - and hoped - that it was the same in all relationships. He had a temper, and he told Sadie that going into it. PJ never laid a hand on her, he didn't have a death wish, but he was more passive aggressive than Sadie. Sometimes, and only sometimes did it scare her. She didn't feel safe around PJ when he was drunk, or when he was mad, or when his team lost because he was tough enough to freak the fuck out and kill people.

Or, at least she thought he was. And, of course, that's when it finally occured to Sadie that maybe - just maybe - she shouldn't be having these thoughts about her boyfriend. That, maybe, if she didn't feel right in a situation she should change it. That, maybe she was finding all these things wrong with Patrick James Tomley because she wanted to. And, not for the first time, did it occur to Sadie Grant that she wasn't in love with PJ. She was crazy, totally, completely in love with James Phillip Diamond.

She met his pixel distorted eyes and laughed, "PJ, we need to talk."

Needless to say, the conversation went as smooth as all breakups do. But, unlike most, Sadie felt a sense of, what, joy. She closed her lap top and smiled, then cried, and smiled through her crying - which, she was sure wasn't the best look. And she was thankful for the two weeks, and happy that she didn't have to lie anymore - to anyone. Sadie picked up the red blackberry from the corner of her desk. It felt like she hadn't used it since James left - and, really, she hadn't. Other than texting Camille to prove she was still alive and to Allie, proving the same, Sadie barely looked at the thing. But her thumbs could not stop, deciding whether to call James or text James or both was a battle in itself. In the end, though, and going back to the beginning, calling didn't seem right - mostl because it seemed mature.

So she texted James. _I've been thinking._

James' phone buzzed next to his head. He was laying on Carlos and Logan's floor, watching Kendall and Carlos play Black Ops while Logan and Camille were arguing in the kitchen. It startled him. Everyone who should or would be texting him was in the same apartment as him - no more than ten feet away. He picked up the iPhone and looked at it. Her name was just there, in front of him, and he felt like he'd found the lost city of Atlantis or the Marauders because it had been two weeks since he'd seen that name - and that made it feel magical, rare. Of course, he'd given it plenty of thought, but he figured it'd be another year, again, until Sadie Grant finally contacted him. And, who knew, by that time she could've been married. He was nervous to read it, even more so to text back. So he called.

Her voice was like a siren call, "You're calling me."

"We don't call each other." He laughed. He was already out in the hallway of the aparment building, hand in his hair and smiling. He didn't even know if he should be smiling - she could be ditching him to be with that fucker PJ. But, something cheesy and cliched in the air made him feel like the smile was an appropriate reaction to her text. His key was in the door, turning, unlocked, and he was inside. "It's your turn to talk, Sades."

"I've been thinking." She said, fidgeting with something James would never know.

He nodded, he knew she couldn't seen it, but he nodded. Because that's what people do, they nod when they agree or when they feel it's right. "So you say."

Sadie laughed, James was unintentionally charming - perpetually. He heard the sound of a door. "I...I think I want to be with you."

James closed the fridge, a cold gatorade in his hand. He held the phone in place between his shoulder and his ear, "You think...or you know?" He said, "Because, I need know, Sadie, not think."

There was a suspicious knock at the door, and Sadie said three words that made things more clear. James put the gatorade on the counter, unopened, before walking towards the heavy, white-painted door. Her voice was clear through, not only his phone, but the door, when she said, "Open up, James."

And he did. Then, he hung up his phone, and really smiled. A big, genuine smile. He felt an overwhelming amount of happiness seeing Sadie standing there in front of him, "You're here."

"I know." Sadie laughed, her head tilting to the side, "How dramatic, right? All we need is a thunderstorm."

James nodded. He didn't move, Sadie didn't move, they just looked at each other. And the grocery store and the Palm Woods and that damned Apartment 3H flashed through their minds. But, James just nodded, "Yeah."

Sadie bit her lip. She bit her lip and smirked, and it was enough. But, just for extra measure, she said - and barely above a whisper, "Are you going to kiss me now?"

And then, it was like he couldn't control his mouth, his body, hishands. It was like that wave of emotion was determined to destroy Sadie's clothes, James' clothes, the furniture. He nearly slammed the door, pulling Sadie by the belt loops of her worn out jeans into his living room. She sort of waddled, which she was sure wasn't attractive, but James wasn't leaning down so she had to match his height by standing on her tip toes. This tango they were doing continued down the hallway, where James slammed Sadie against the wall - earning a loud moan, that he couldn't make out as pain or pleasure. He grunted, she moaned. She grabbed at his hair, he grabbed at her ass. Everything was like a competition; who could make the other's toes curl more, head spin, eyes roll back. James liked to think he was winning. James was damn lucky her shirt was low cut, Sadie thought. His mouth kissed down her neck, nipping and biting, sucking like it was a life source, and to her chest. One hand left the back pockets of her jeans and slid up the loose-fitting tank top. James' fingers moved the cup of Sadie's bra out of the way, enough to pinch at her nipple and make her squirm.

He was definitely winning. Sadie's head fell back, her eyes closed, her lip secured between her teeth and she said, "Fuck, James."

Then, in a husky whisper, James said back, "You like that?"

And Sadie nodded, because she did. She liked it a lot. Too much, she'd realized, and they'd no doubt discuss it later. Now, however, James' wandering mouth was making an appearance over her nipple, and she was losing control fast – which, happened to be something Sadie didn't like. She grunted, pushing him back. James' reaction was a cocky smirk and a lick of his lips. Sadie retorted by panting and laughing a low, sexy laugh, "James, is that a python in your pocket, or are you just excited to see me?"

James shook his head, looked down at the prominent bulge, and smirked, "Don't flatter yourself."

"Well, I do declare." Sadie's southern belle was far better than her British accent. "Mister Diamond that is an erection in your trousers, is it not?"

Then James stepped forward to silence her with his mouth, but Sadie stopped him. She wiggled a finger in his face, shaking her head, and then took off down the rest of the length of the hallway. It was an odd moment for things to seem like they were going back to normal – but the cat and mouse chase was always what they did, and James couldn't stop that Cheshire grin from sneaking onto his face. The same one Sadie Grant always gave him, among other things. He met her in the bedroom, where she was standing, breathing heavy, there in the moonlight.

Again, he went to kiss her, but she stopped him, "Wait."

"What?" He was getting frustrated; sexually, and beyond.

Sadie looked up at him, he'd never seen her eyes like that. They looked happy and hopeful, and then her lips formed three perfect words, "I love you."

And he said, "I love you, too." His tone was serious, but anyone could see the doubt in Sadie's eyes, "Sadie, I love you. So much that, sometimes, it scares me." He tried not to laugh, but saying the truth, having it out there in the open like that, was amusing. "Just trust me."

"I trust you."

And, again, James laughed, taking his hands and holding Sadie's face. "Now, can I fuck your brains out."

"So fucking romantic." Sadie smirked, "But, I believe it is your brains that I will fuck out."

"Challenge accepted."

He didn't remeber moving, and neither did Sadie for that matter, but their bodies were pressed up together and neither one of them thought to complain. James hands were squeezing Sadie's toned thighs, and she was all but too willing to spread her legs for him. So, James lifted her - because lifting Sadie was easier than shuffling over to his bed. He nearly tossed her onto the mattress, smirking down at her and immediately covering Sadie's body with his own. James kissed, again, her lips, her neck and wasted no time pulling that damned tank top off. Sadie was back to breathing heavy, though her breath hardly evened out. Behind them, while the room was fading to black, one thing was evident - the bedroom door was wide open. The best part was that James and Sadie didn't care. His hands were lifting her torso and unclasping her bra, Sadie was lifting his shirt over his head. Everything was moving so fast - then again, with Sadie and James, things hardly moved slowly. The buttons on James' jeans and Sadie's shorts proved to be a challenge, but soon they joined the other clothes on the floor.

James just sat there, on his heels, hands running up and down Sadie's body. It was like she wasn't even real, like she was a fantasy - the perfect fantasy. She was breathing so heavy, and he could watch her bare chest, rising and falling. Sadie's eyes wandered over James' body, following every last curve of his abdomen. She wanted to reach out and touch his chest, his arms, his face. But that was at the risk of ruining this moment - and, weighing her options, she decided against it. James was ready, and Sadie was waiting, but they just kept looking at each other. It was like it was their first time, and they were exploring, and confused. It felt natural and pure and almost, horrifyingly innocent. Sadie smiled the smallest smile and sat up on her elbows. One hand reached out to touch James' arm, that second hand kept pushing Sadie closer to James. He watched her fingers run along his arm for a moment, then removed them, kissing the tips. Sadie breathed out a long breath, her eyes closed, and James put her hand to his cheek. And, again, they kissed.

He pushed Sadie back down, as gently as he could, his lips not even thinking of leaving hers. When Sadie felt James rub against her, she moaned into his mouth. James' hips were barely brushing hers, one arm was holding him up and the other was sliding down Sadie's hip, across her stomach and down to that oh-so-sensitive spot. It was only then that Sadie's eyes opened, that Sadie's mouth left James, and only to whisper his name, "James James James James." every time a finger made it's way inside. His lips had to occupy themselves, and sought out her breasts. He kissed, he sucked, and James rolled his tongue around making Sadie squirm. She, however, had enough. Sadie grabbed James' hand and closed her eyes, shaking her head. Her hair, which had been in some messy bun, was now fallen down, barely held together. It looked perfect, if only to James, and he didn't want to tease her anymore. So, in a rare moment, James took things slow and positioned himself just right to enter Sadie.

With every inch, Sadie moaned a whispered, low moan. It could have sent James over the edge, just the sound of her pleasure, but he knew how to hold off. Especially for Sadie. At first, and much to Sadie's enjoyment, his thrust were slow. She clawed at his back and burried her face in James neck - kissing softly at the skin. James' face was in her hair, and the mixture of Sadie's shampoo - something with a Lilac extract - and her sweating off her perfume was intoxicating. His thrusting started to pick up, to the soundtrack of James' grunts, Sadie's moaning and the erotic slapping of skin. And then, Sadie made that noise, a specific sort of animalistic moan that Sadie always made before she was done and James was quick to catch up. He wanted them to finish together, and he had no reason or logic behind it. So, the patterns of his hips meeting hers became more frantic and Sadie kept moaning and clawing and screaming until James kissed her and gave one final, vital thrust. Both of them were mumbling incoherent words against their lips.

James said, "Fuck."

Sadie whispred, "Jesus."

James grunted out something like, "Oh, Christ, Sadie."

And Sadie kissed him, hard, moaning, "I love you, James."

James thanked his lucky stars and kissed his rabbit for the fact that Kendall didn't walk in last night. It was only after Sadie had fallen asleep that James scrambled over to the bedroom door and closed it - still naked, still in Heaven. The sun was just now barely creeping through the blinds. But, James didn't need the light to know Sadie was still there. _His_ Sadie was laying next to him. _His_ Sadie was sleeping, soundly, nuzzled up underneath his arm, her breath even. _His_ Sadie was his - completely, entirely, with every fiber of her being, after all this time. She stirred, settling more into his chest, and making James smile. In her sleep, Sadie mumbled, but James heard three very distinct words, moaned out through tired lips, "Right there, James."

He felt a wave of deserved arrogance wash over him, with a cocksure grin. The clock on his bedside table read eight-fifty-two in the morning, unforunately. And, as much as he'd love to stay in this place, with this girl, he had a meeting with the boys and Gustavo at ten o'clock. Sharp. So, he shook her. And, when that didn't work, he kissed her temple, smoothed her hair and whispered against her ear, "Sades, get up."

She moved, barely, but nothing more happene. So, James smiled a Satan-laced smile, and wiggled himself underneath the covers. He was positioned over Sadie's legs, perfectly, and used one hand to nudge them open. Down on his elbows, James settled in a familiar place. He started kissing his way around her lower body - from her left knee up her thigh, to her hip and across, then down the right side. But, it was only when James' lips came into contact with hers that Sadie opened her eyes and her mouth, gasping, "Oh, God."

To which James cleverly replied, "You're more than welcome to just call me James."

Sadie smacked his head under the blackets and shushed him, "Less talking, more of what you were doing."

James sat up, pulling the covers with him - exposing himself and Sadie in the process. They were back to where they'd been the previous night. Just staring at each other's body - but with the help of the daylight. She was so beautiful in the morning light, laying there in front of him with her hair messed and a goofy smile on her face. She was completely nude, completely organic Sadie. It was something to see. And, whn she giggled and covered her face like a bashful school girl, James smiled. His hands wrapped around her wrists and pulled, lips immediately on hers, "Good morning."

"Good morning." James was other wordly to Sadie. Even with his sex hair/bed head combination, he was without flaws. He smile down at her with this look in his eyes, one she recognized as love and it twisted her stomach in knots. She wanted to be happy and ignore the pending conversation; the one questioning her commitment. But, that look in his dazzling green eyes made her sick, because she was nervous for the future, nervous for herself, and nervous for James, "We should talk."

Sadie saw James glance at the clock, which now read nine-oh-one. "Yeah, now?"

"Yeah." She laughed and hoped that she didn't sound too eager to avoid it, "Why, do you need to be somewhere?" Her tone sounded more offended than anything, but, she saved it with, "'Cause that's cool."

James chuckled, kissed her again, and told her, "I've got a meeting at ten, we're good for another forty-five minutes." He pushed himself up, draped the comforter over Sadie and crossed the room - his perfectly sculpted ass a distracting sight. "Provided that you don't mind me getting dressed while we talk."

Sadie shook her head, "Normally, I'd have a problem with you wearing clothes." When he tugged up his white boxer briefs, hiding her final distraction, Sadie added, "But, I _guess_ it's fine."

"Good." James sifted through drawers, "Now, talk."

She looked at him, her chin resting on her blanket-covered knees, and took in a deep breath, "Whatexactlyarewedoing?" It came out rushed and like one solid word.

And, though James knew what she was talking about, he pulled on a v-neck and pulled out a smartass answer, "Talkig." Then, he picked up his old lucky comb, making his hair presentable, and corrected his sarcasm, "Honestly, I'd like you call you my girlfriend, again."

Sadie nodded. It wasn't that she didn't want that, too. It wasn't that she didn't want to rush - the opposite, in fact. There was only one thing holding her back, and there was no other way to say it, except, "I'm scared."

James had busied himself, pulling on his skinny jeans in record time. It was only nine fifteen, now, and Sadie wasn't really prepared for a thirty minute conversation. James, apparently wasn't either, "That's it?" James smirked, "You're scared."

He stepped out of the room and reappeared mid-Sadie sentence with a toothbrush in his mouth, "Yes, I mean, of course. I fucked things up with you once." James left and spit, then returned and sprayed himself in a Ke$ha-type shower, "And, then I fucked things up with PJ." He sat at the end of the bed, "Who is to say I'm not going to do it again?"

James shrugged, "Me."

"That's not good enough." Sadie smirked, "You're the farthest thing from a reliable source, Diamond."

"I'm not doing this." James fell back onto the mattress, "It's a yes or no answer. I mean," And then he got a kooky, goofy, crazy smile on his face, "Don't forget, I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

Sadie laughed, hard and loud, "Thank you for that insight, Julia Roberts. But, for once, I'm being serious."

"Me, too." James sat up, "I mean, everything would be so much easier if I could just walk away and not care. I wish I knew how to quit you, Sadie Grant."

"Brokeback Diamond." Sadie sat up, herself, so she was looking James in the eye, "Alright, let's play this game. But, listen to me, Mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't forget it." She bit her lip and raised her eyebrow, "That line would have been so much better if I was dating Kendall."

"So we're dating?" James smiled, "Because, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

"Shut up, Diamond." Sadie smiled. And she wasn't nervous anymore, she wasn't scared, she was normal and happy and fine. So, he kissed him, "You had me at, 'Hello'."

James grinned, kissed her and stood. He smoothed her hair, again and glanced at the clock, "I really should go. But, stay as long as you want. I'll be back in two hours, the latest."

Sadie nodded, "As you wish."

"And take a shower." James was already half out of his bedroom when he shouted that back a Sadie. She shook her head and laughed, "You smell like you got your world rocked last night."

_reviewers get rewards:_  
><strong>EVERYONE: <strong>i am so fucking sorry. i love you, please love me. you like?

the movie quotes used in this were from The Notebook, Jerry McGuire, On Golden Pond, The Princess Bride, Brokeback Mountain and Notting Hill. i love you crazy bitches, for reals and for keeps.


	12. where friends count

**author's note: **a warning, babes. shit is about to get real in this chapter.

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.  
><strong>review question:<strong> FAVORITE ANCHORMAN QUOTE! GO!

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter twelve  
><strong>where friends count<strong>

_I broke up with PJ, Al._

_Is that why you're not home?_

_No, I've been home. I don't know where you were._

_I knew James would do this. He's only going to ruin your life again._

_Don't talk out of your ass, Allie. You don't know even half the truth about mine and James' relationship._

_Yeah, and obviously, I don't know half the truth about you, Sadie._

Sadie sighed, her hand pushing up her sunglasses whilst the other tapped a hurried, angered, reply to Allie. She was standing outside James' apartment, a bag of probably smashed muffins underneath her arm. Allie had been back for a week now, and Sadie was finding it progressively harder to face the girl she once considered a best friend. Looking back on it, she was really just questioning their friendship. Any other friend would have been Team Sadie's Happiness. Allie was anything but, Allie was Team PJ all the way. There was no changing that. And, Sadie assumed it was her fault. She'd made James seem like the bad guy in their relationship, when explaining everything to Allie, because it made her feel better. It was a mistake, and Sadie knew that now, but Allie wouldn't listen. Which is why, for the past week, Sadie had successfully avoided her roommate and lived off of James' two-sizes-too-big v-necks and the same pair of jeans she had the night she left Patrick James Tomley for the only James - or James variation - she wanted.

The text she sent out read something along the lines of, _You're not going to make me feel bad about this. I'll talk to you later, I'll come home. But, I'm happy and that's not changing because you think I should be miserable._ She mentally patted herself on the back. Sassy, take-no-shit Sadie was alive and well, and it felt amazing to be herself again. Especially in the company of James.

She rang the bell for the intercom, "Who is it?"

"Let me up, Kendall." Sadie was cheery, and it was a serious contrast from Kendall's sleepy, deep tone. "I come with muffins."

Kendall sighed and let her in, not before groaning and adding, "It's for the muffins. It's for...the muffins."

Sadie laughed, because she knew Kendall was kidding. At least, she hoped Kendall was kidding. He was still a little rough around the edges when it came to Sadie and James' relationship, and she'd never know why. Though, she imagined, it was because she may or may not have totally and completely broke his best friends heart. Sadie left Kendall and whoever was willing to pick up the James Diamond pieces, which was a dick move. So, honestly, he had every right to hate her. Today, however, she was willing to pass it off as "It's too fucking early for you to be buzzing, don't you have a key, anyway?" Kendall, instead of "I wish you never met James" Kendall. One short elevator ride to the Big Time Rush dubbed floor and Sadie was biting the paper, muffin holding bag, fishing the key out of her jeans when the door opened. Kendall smiled at her and snatched the bag from between her teeth, "Good morning, Knight."

"Morning, Grant." His face was deep in the baked goods, "Your boyfriend is in the shower. Go fuck him or something, leave me and the fresh baked goods alone."

Sadie smirked, her hands on her hips and the growing bangs in her eyes, "We'll see how well you and the baked goods mix when you hear what's about to happen in," She pointed down the hall, towards the bathroom, "That shower."

Kendall looked up at her, "You could have spared me the visual, Grant."

"Now, where is the fun in that." She started down the short hallway, her saunter peppy for Sadie and a proud smile on her face, "I'd suggest headphones and a really loud, Michael Bay movie." She winked, "James is a screamer."

Kendall made some faux gagging noise, mumbling about going to Logan's, before Sadie heard the door click closed. She laughed and pushed the bathroom door open, a cloud of steam greeting her. She could vaguely hear James humming a song, Brokenhearted by Karmin. She was waving a hand in front of her face and laughing, because James was more of a girl than Sadie was sometimes. She'd question his sexuality, if he wasn't between her legs at least three times a day.

"Please tell me the draft I feel is my girlfriend, and not someone trying to kill me." James laughed, his voice deep and tired - much like Kendall's - from behind the Spongebob shower curtain. It was one of her favorite things about their apartment, the entire bathroom was like a shrine to their childhood and it made Sadie smile whenever she was in there.

Sadie mimicked his small chuckle and tucked her hands in her back pockets, "Really, Diamond? That's your response to someone walking into your bathroom? That's the threat that's supposed to scare the potential murderer away?"

"No," She could smell his AXE body wash, "I just like calling you my girlfriend." And she could practically hear his smile when he added, "Again."

"I had no idea I was dating a chick. Maybe you should be killed." Her comment was purposefully emphasized, over the dull roar of the shower, but James had yet to look from behind the jellyfishing Spongebob shield.

"Thanks, babe. I'll remember that when Jason's trying to kill you and I'm saving your ass." He laughed.

"Oh, please." Sadie covered her hand with the extra fabric from James' shirt, wiping the mirror clean of it's steam. She held a bobbypin between her teeth, while she gathered her bangs and pulled her hair up, saying, "Besides, look at you. You're the dumb bimbo who decides it's totally cool to take a shower, alone, when all your friends are being slaughtered. I'm the sexy, badass heroine."

"Hey!" He finally peeked from behind the curtain, face twisted in mock offense, "If you're the heroine, I'm the hot boyfriend who sacrifices himself to save you."

"Either way you're dead!" Sadie laughed, shaking her head and leaning against the counter.

James gave her a once over, grunting something about her looking hot in his clothes, then shut her out with a smiling, yellow sponge and his pink, star companion. She watched him then said, in the most seductive tone she could manage, "I bet I'd look better with them off."

His head was quick to appear, once more, with his hair soapy and pushed back, "I'd be willing to lose that bet, if you'd join me."

"Can't." Sadie's sigh was heavy, she cocked her hip, "I have Allie shit that needs handled. But, there are muffins on the counter, provided Kendall didn't eat them all."

"Allie shit can wait." James very nearly pouted. He yanked back the shower curtain, completely, and Sadie couldn't stop the moan from escaping her lips - no matter how hard she bit it.

James was perfect. His dark brown hair - now soap free - was sticking to his face. But, with a swift hand, he pushed it back into a slick, debonair-looking hairdo. His eyes were on fire, burning holes into Sadie's body wherever he looked. HIs lips were curled into a cool, sexy smirk, like James knew he was hot shit. He was breathing like an animal about to strike - heavy, deep - and it made the water run down his body in an almost artistic way. It was hard for Sadie to look away from the droplets on his sculpted abdomen, but there was something so much more distracting protruding from between James' legs. His half-hard member that had to be Sadie's favorite James Diamond appendage. And, it was only when James chuckled a deep, husky laugh that Sadie realized she was frozen, eyes locked.

She finally tore her eyes away and let out the breath she'd been holding. You'd imagine that, after so long, she'd be used to seeing it. But, that was never the case. She blinked, exactly twice, then said, "I gotta go."

And, Sadie reach for the door. But James was quick to stop her. She heard the shallow sound of water hitting the empty tub before she felt James' arms wrap around her waist, and heard him whisper shortly after, "You're not going anywhere."

Sadie squealed, James laughed and threatened to put Sadie in the water. She was frantically trying to brace herself on anything; the wall, the towel rack, anything, "I swear to God, James Diamond. Put me down."

She tried to ignore the feeling of his growing erection behind her, finally freeing herself. She scrunched up her nose - in the cutest way possible, James noted - and looked down at the James-Diamond-arm-shaped wet marks. With a sigh, Sadie pulled the shirt over her head, standing in front of James in just her jeans. He smirked, "No bra?" Sadie shrugged, "See, you're already halfway there."

Her eyebrow raised, almost instantly and a smirk was set on her lips. It was hard to resist James - especially naked - but it was even harder to resist singing a Big Time Rush song at his expense. Sadie's smirk turned into a wide, devilish grin and James' transformed into a look of worry as Sadie slipped out of her jeans, slowly, and started singing, jumping and dancing, "We're halfway there! We're lookin' good now, and nothings gonna get in the way!"

There was nothing more adorable than Sadie singing Big Time Rush music, and, at the same time, nothing so irritating. She always had this stupid smile on her face when she was doing it, and James should have been mad because she was making fun of him, but he couldn't be. Not now, because she was naked and jumping in front of him - which, was a sight - and not ever, because he loved the girl to damn much. It made him smile, every single time she sang - only ever slightly off key. Watching her now, however, his smile quickly changed to a load of sexual frustration. So, once again, his arms were around her waist and James' voice was low when he whispered, "I'm gonna make you scream, baby."

Sadie moaned, grinding her hips into his. James copied her noise at the contact, muffled, with his face buried in her neck. Sadie closed her eyes, her mouth slightly opened, in response to the feather light kisses and occasional nips James scattered across her skin, "Get in that shower, Diamond." Sadie breathed, "And show me you're not all talk."

And James didn't need to be told twice. His lips were immediately on Sadie's, pulling at the hair tie she'd only just fastened in her hair. Sadie's hands were everywhere; one was busy letting her bangs down, the other was clawing at James' back, and, when the first one was finished, it was blindly trying to guide her towards the shower. Her feet were doing a similar dance until her heels hit the tub with a small thudding noise. She broke the kiss, as reluctantly as she could, and stared at James, stepping back into the water. It ran down her back and Sadie closed her eyes, loving the warm water.

It was James' turn to watch, to appreciate the girl before him like she did to him. The water slicked her body, and it almost glistened in the poor, bathroom lighting. But, even in 60 Watt bulbs, Sadie was something to see. Her body was near perfectly curved, muscular and toned. Everything about her screamed woman, even the girlish way she batted her eyelashes at James when he'd finally moved past her chest to her face. The shower water had slicked down her normally curly, unruly hair and she resembled a siren, standing in a waterfall. It was poetic and sickening, but James couldn't stop his mind from drifting. A wild Odyssey-like fantasy he'd harbored the minute she stepped under that shower head. Finally, he'd about had enough. James almost attacked Sadie's breast, and she gasped, stepping back to allow him in the tub. Sadie closed the curtain, chuckling low and quiet, before her fingers needed something more to pull on - getting lost in his hair. She figured, if James was going straight for her pleasure spots, she had every right to go for his. Anyone who'd slept with, dated, or knew James well enough knew that pulling his hair could put him over the edge, alone. Somewhere in the mix of pleasure, with James' tongue working on her nipple, Sadie managed to separate her body from his. She wasn't quite done teasing, and at the pace James was going, she wouldn't have any other chance to get out her snarky comments.

She looked up through her eyes lashes, smirked, and pressed her body back up against James. Leaning in close, she whispered, "Come on, then, Big Boy. Make me scream."

And James kissed her, hard, with passion. It was a moment Sadie didn't think she'd forget, because it wasn't like any other time he'd kissed her. For Sadie, it was the moment she realized that she really was split from PJ. She didn't have to be fake, or fake anything - not orgasms, not kindness, not a smile. If Sadie wasn't pleased, she could express that. If Sadie was horny, she would say so. And James would be there. Because he was only concerned with pleasing Sadie, and in turn, Sadie only wanted to satisfy James. Neither one of them wanted to be selfish, so they weren't. And it was painfully, but honestly perfect. James' hand, the one that wasn't cupping, kneading, squeezing Sadie's breast, ran down her side, down her thigh and up, up, up. Sadie pulled his head away from her neck, where he - once again - gently kissed her skin. She looked directly into his eyes, holding onto the immediate pleasure she felt when James' thumb brushed over her clit. Then, Sadie gasped and closed her eyes, moaning loudly, "Fuck, James."

He shushed her with a gentle kiss and a whisper, laced with a laugh, "Ssh, baby." He kissed her again, "Kendall."

It took Sadie a moment to connect that he wasn't moaning his best friend and roommates name, and was instead warning her. She blamed the current fog in her head and shook her head. Gathering words, however, proved to be harder than she thought when James put two fingers inside Sadie. Her head titled back and she tried to say, "He's at Logan's" like they were having a casual conversation, but it came out strangled and jumbled up, "He...Logan's...Oh, God."

Sadie's eyes were somewhere between open and closed, and James loved it. Her voice was quiet and she looked directly at him, biting her lip, "Kiss me."

So, he did, not for the first time. And, at the same time, Sadie released, practically screaming into James' mouth. He smirked, of course, because he was right. James said he'd make Sadie scream, and he did. He pumped his fingers inside her until Sadie collapsed against him. She didn't open her eyes for a while, just relaxed, drenched, chest heaving and in James' arms. Then, when she finally got herself together, she let out the sexiest laugh James had ever heard. He had long since removed his fingers and took to holding Sadie upright - knowing her knees buckled in situations like this, from proud, personal experience - but, his smirk stayed present and Sadie apparently knew.

She hit his chest, "Wipe the cocky smirk off your face, Diamond." She said, "I'm not done with you."

The smug expression stayed, "Did you even start, babe?"

Sadie didn't say anything. She just turned James around so his back was blocking the water and suck down to her knees. Sadie took a second, looking at what was in front of her. This was definitely on her Top Five Favorite Things About James Diamond list. Had Sadie been Oprah, had she done giveaways, there would be James Diamond cock replicas underneath everyone's chair. It was a dream penis. A dreamis.

_You get a dreamis! You get a dreamis! Everyone gets a dreamis!_

James' knees wiggled in anticipation and Sadie knew he was about three seconds, and counting, from forcing her mouth on him. So, without hesitation, Sadie took James, in all his dreamis entirety, and relished in the deep moan he gave, "Shit, babe." James groaned, his fingers were in Sadie's hair - not forcefully, but almost soothingly - and the other hand braced himself on the shower wall, "Aw, fuck. Just...don't move."

But Sadie wasn't about to let James have his way. She bobbed her head a few times; one, two, three, four, five, six and seven. Slow paced, agonizing for James - she was sure. Then, her tongue circled the tip and she placed the smallest, lightest kisses all along his length before she stood herself back up, "Baby." She cooed, "I need you."

And James needed her right back. He grabbed Sadie's face and kissed her, lips moving fast. He was quick to grab ahold of her thighs, his hands running down her water-drenched sides. Sadie moaned and James grunted, slamming into her so she could feel his hips directly on hers. There was no space left between them - just how she loved it. Sadie was in love witht he feeling of James' bare chest agaisnt hers. And what James loved, he noted after making his first thrust, was how after allt his time, Sadie was still so tight. It was like her body was a match, a perfect fit for his, and James would never let that go.

Every thrust was faster, deeper. Every kiss had more passion, desire, hunger. Sadie was so lost in her own world, she didn't notice how hard she was pulling on James' hair - not that he minded, at all. Her moans and her tugs could get him off, alone. And he almost lost it. He could tell she was close, too. The tell-tale signs that Sadie was almost ready were all there. Her eyes opened and she smiled a stupid, giddy smile. Her back was hitting the shower wall with each hurried thrust, and that's when James lost it.

He kissed her and kept kissing her, mumbling, "I love you."

"I love you, too." Sadie whispered, teetering on the edge.

And idea hit James and, as far as he was concerned, it was worth a shot, "Say my name."

Sadie didn't look at him, she couldn't open her eyes, "What?"

"Say my name, Sadie."

"James."

"Again." He was slamming into her, slamming her against the wall.

"James." Sadie groaned, biting her lip.

He was gone. "Sadie. Oh, fuck, Sadie."

She couldn't stop now, he'd pushed her over, "James. James. James."

He kept thrusting until her legs buckled and he need to catch her, "Christ, babe. You're so beautiful."

Sadie was breathing, heavy and deep. She laughed against his chest and then calmed. For a while, they just stood here. James had his arms wrapped around her shoulders, Sadie's around his waist, and he was stroking her hair. His voice was soft, but it hummed a familiar tune in Sadie's ear - Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. It was cheesy and totally not needed, but she'd never stop him. The water was split by their bodies, falling somewhere - anywhere it could - inbetween them. She held James as close as she could for the longest time before she finally pulled away. Her brown eyes met his green, and she smiled, "I've got to go."

"Alright."

"I'll be back later."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

They kissed, soft and slow, and then Sadie stepped out of the shower - James squeezing her hand just before she'd fully got out.

Sadie never thought she'd see the day she had to knock on her own apartment door. But this home didn't feel like home. James wasn't at this home, and he'd probably never be welcome in this home. In fact, he'd begged her to move in at least twenty times in this one week. Sadie had considered it every single time. But, something told her not to. Whether it was her inner-Allie or her still lingering fear, she didn't know for sure. But, at this point, it seemed like a better escape than having the conversation she was about to with Allie. Sadie wasn't prepared for a lecture, or a scolding, and she knew Allie would dish it out. But, she also knew Allie couldn't take it. Problem was, Sadie was also ready to dish - her side of the story, James' side of the story, a new side of Sadie that Allie had never seen. The real Sadie was about to come out, and she thought that's what worried her the most.

Three knocks. "You're here."

"I live here. I just forgot my key." Sadie stepped in and dropped her bag on the barstool, "We gotta talk, Als. I can't have you hating me because you don't approve of my life choices. It's not a good enough reason."

Allie cocked her hip and crossed her arms, "You think I hate you because of this? No, Sadie." She shook her head, and Sadie noticed that her hair had grown out a bit, "First of all, I don't hate you. I'm fucking pissed, yeah. But not because you broke up with PJ. I mean, shit, he's not the best guy." Sadie laughed, though she wasn't sure she was meant to, "He's actually a tool, but from what you've told me, that's your type. I mean, James -"

"That's not fair." Sadie stopped her, "You don't know him. I...the way I described him wasn't right, okay? I was pissed and hurt, and even though it was my fault, I took it out on him. And...you know, everyone else."

Allie sighed, "The point is, I'm mad at you because you're a liar. You lied to James, and you didn't tell him about PJ. You lied to PJ and didn't tell him about James. You lied to every friend you had before, and just picked up to run back home. And, you lied to me, from the start." She scoffed, elbows leaning on the counter, "You didn't even think to call me and tell me you broke up with PJ. I found out from him. And then you texted me, Sadie. _Texted_. It's the first I've heard from you in...weeks. I mean, really heard from you. And, that's what I get?"

"Allie." Sadie looked at the blonde, "You've been rooting PJ on since we've been dating. What would make me think you'd be okay with me leaving him for James. Over Skype, no less. I mean, even I think that was a shitty thing to do."

Allie started talking again, but Sadie's mind to a moment to fog over and think of that night. PJ was furious, but the best part was there was nothing he could do about it. His eyes were on fire, the worst kind of fire. It was rage, just pouring from every inch of his body and it scared Sadie. But, what scared her the most was the threats. Sure, most of them were empty, but it's what she deserved. For once in her life, Sadie was completely honest. She told PJ about James that night - everything about James. Apparently, however, she picked the wrong person to be honest with.

_Wait until I get back to Los Angeles, Sadie. Just fucking wait._

The annoyed roommate across the countertop waved a hand in front of Sadie's face, "You're not even listening."

"I fucked up, alright." Sadie didn't honestly care what Allie had to say, at this point. Which, was probably not the best thought to have. "I can't tell you how many times I've said that in the past month. I know what I did, what I'm doing, it's not the most logical, or, you know, generally right. But I'm trying to fix it."

"Yeah, how?"

"I've fixed things with James." Sadie shrugged. It may not seem like it to Allie, but that was enough for Sadie. If everything with James, with their relationship, was good, the world had to be good. But, with that thought, she knew she'd have to eventually face PJ. And, Sadie would never be one for that sort of confrontation. It was the type James liked to have, where he pointed out Sadie's faults to prove to her that she was human. Except, with James, Sadie could always forgive. With anyone else, it was damn near impossible. "And with everyone...almost everyone from the Palm Woods. And I'm working on you, and I'll get to PJ when he comes back."

Allie just watched her. She looked her once best friend over, and thought how morbid it was that the trust was just gone. Allie looked down at her hands, the many bracelets on her wrists, back up to Sadie and sighed, "You don't have to work on me." She smiled, fighting with Sadie wasn't even worth it. It was petty, for her to just give up and accept everything how it was, sure. And, Allie wasn't saying that she forgave Sadie. The thing was, Allie had said her piece, Sadie said hers. They'd move on from that. As much as both girls loved a good verbal beat down, once it was out of their system, once everything was on the table, it was done. "We're good. For now. I just...I don't trust James, Sadie."

"_You don't know him_, Allie." Sadie insisted. "Get to know him. Get to know his friends. My friends."

The blonde went to the sink, snatching a cup from the cupboard, and filled it with water, "Sadie, this isn't a movie. I'm not just going to go with you and be all hunkydory and chummy with those guys."

Sadie laughed, "Trust me, I know it's not like a movie." She climbed up on the stool, "But it's worth a shot, right?"

The girls fell into some form of silence. Sadie noticed, at that point, that the television was on. It only seemed fitting that it was on MTV, and even beyond that, Big Time Rush was playing. She laughed to herself - maybe Allie was wrong, maybe it was like a movie. Sadie's eyebrow raised and she stepped over to the TV. James was there, smiling at her - or, the camera. Allie came up beside her, "That's him?"

Sadie nodded, biting her lip. God, did he look hot. "That's James."

"Damn, Sadie. Nice one." She laughed and nudged her friend. Then, looked at the other three boys dancing with military precision. Allie slung an arm around her friends shoulder, and she couldn't believe she was saying it. But, with a small, barely seen smile, Allie sighed and said, "It's worth a shot."

And Sadie looked at her, half-smiling and half-smirking, and gave her a nudge back, "You're the best, Als."

Allie sipped her water then walked away, through the living room to her bedroom, "I fucking know, bro."

_reviewers have my babies:  
><em>**AlyssaMaslow** - from now on, Jadie is a religion - write a paper on THAT, bitchess. just kidding, but really. i love the song reference, but, unfortunately, education must come before this! do yo wurk, girl! shit. (:  
><strong>HomeSkilletBiscuit . 93<strong> - oh, oh trust me. there is still some PJ drama to come. it isn't over until the blonde haired, blue-eyed intern dumpee sings. and muchos gracias, babes. (:  
><strong>jackiex3<strong> - is this my wifey? did you make an account finally? how many jackie's could there be, right? either way, i worship YOU. in the BEDROOM. with kendall. that's all. (:  
><strong>Pucoan<strong> - nicole. babycakes. i love you and seriously? do you guys really think i'd leave you without a proper, dramatic Sadie/PJ break up scene? and aww, shucks. you're making me blush crimson, babes. (:  
><strong>Gummy'Fish'Lover<strong> - i missed you, too, baby. and, oooh, abroad, ey? you're all international and shit. super classy, germany is great in the spring. many thanks! (:  
><strong>AlliMargaret<strong> - you beautiful specimen, welcome to our Jadie family. and you're welcome, for curing road trip boredum. but, thank YOU for reviewing/favoriting/alerting this, the Benefits, and me. it means so much, babes. and i hope you slept! sleep is a good thing, don't forget it!  
><strong>Arocksprpl2 <strong>- girl, shoot. so many reviews. thanks love, and welcome. (:

I like where we are. When we drive in your car. I like where we are. Here.  
>If you're still here, how about your favorite Disney Princess. Because mine is a tie between Tiana and Belle, and i'm absolutely DYING to know yours.<p>

Also, go check out my soon-to-be-updated Kendall/OC story, loves.

eternal, undying, forever, just fucking love.


	13. it's trust again

**author's note: **oh, hey guys, thanks for the reviews. you guys are so sexy, it kills me. it's been, what? two months. well, i'm going to Big Time Summer Tour on Saturday, and you guys deserved something.

this chapter is a little different, and heavy on the James POV. but, i hope you love it? i honestly don't know what the fuck i was thinking...while writing this. omg, it's so fucking dramatic. stop me.

i might rewrite this later.

**disclaimer:** I don't own Big Time Rush.  
><strong>review question:<strong> Are you a Gryffindor? Perhaps a Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff? Or, maybe Slytherin  
><em>i'm going to start giving house points. because that's what i want to do, alriiight?<em>

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter thirteen  
><strong>it's trust again<strong>

Sadie's breathing was heavy, but evening out. She was falling asleep, James next to her with his face buried in her shoulder. He never liked the idea of crashing after sex, it was rude and unromantic. But Sadie, she had the most beautiful and annoying tendency of completely exhausting him. James had no other option than to curl up next to her, holding her close, and listening as she slipped away. And, if he was being honest, it was one of his favorite moments. His favorite time of day was then, when Sadie was relaxed in his arms, her mind at ease and the smallest, dreamy smile on her lips. He'd kiss her if he didn't think it'd wake her up. James would never ruin something that beautiful. His hand rested at her hip, fingers tracing small circles on the bone. Her skin was smooth, and perfect, and it helped that it was Sadie's. James imagined that if it was any other girl, it wouldn't feel as right, as real. They were both stripped of clothing, body's still molded together from everything they'd just done. There, in Sadie's bed, together, they slept. And it was perfect.

She'd set things straight, now a week ago, with Allie. Everything was coming together, though Allie still refused to meet James' friends, she was trying her hardest to warm up to James, himself. It seemed to be working, mostly because it made Sadie happy. And if there was anything Allie and James mutually wanted, it was Sadie's happiness. Seeing her smile was enough to kill James. Sometimes, he did the most ridiculous things, said something completely stupid, just so she would laugh and he could watch. He justified always wanting to stare at her with the fact that he was her boyfriend. Again. Totally. It wasn't weird that he always wanted to be around her. No one would think it strange if he kissed her, just because he wanted to and because he could. There was something so refreshing and exhilarating about being with Sadie, that James never wanted to let go of. He started to not be able to imagine his life without her. It was a cold, depressingly empty place without Sadie around - he'd learned that first hand. Losing Sadie wasn't something James ever wanted to do; not again.

His hold, without him noticing, tightened around her and she stirred. Sadie looked over her shoulder, heavy lidded eyes and a sleepy smirk, "I'm right here, James."

He eyed her, smiled, and kissed her lips softly, "I know, Sades."

"The death grip?"

James loosened his hold and looked down, "Sorry."

Sadie knew what he was doing. James was thinking, and when James thought, especially at night, his mind drifted to what made him sad. She could see it in his eyes, in his expression when sleep finally found him, that he wasn't happy. She wished she could get inside his head, fix everything, convince him that she'd never leave him. Not again. Because, as much as it killed James, it did the same to Sadie, when she'd left. Leaving him was the hardest thing Sadie had ever done. James was her everything, and it took her a year to finally come to terms with that. She'd never let someone in like that, she couldn't stress that enough. James was as much a part of Sadie as she was, herself. He was her heart, he was her mind, her soul. Sadie had finally given into the romance, the drifting, poetic thoughts. Because that's what their love was; it was dramatic and hard, and it killed them both, and it healed them both. And, if they weren't careful, it could completely destroy them. But, neither one of them wanted it to stop, ever.

James knew that, about himself. And Sadie knew it about James, too. It was on her shoulders, yet again, to express that she was on the exact same page. It was Sadie's turn to admit she'd never be able to be without James. But Sadie had to be comfortable. She had to trust not only James, but everyone else around them. Sadie needed to know that, no matter what, Allie would support her and James. Sadie needed to know that Kendall didn't completely hate her for breaking James' heart, once upon a time. Because she was trying, every single day, to put it back together. Sadie hated how much she relied on the thoughts of others, but she also knew that if Kendall wasn't happy, James wasn't happy. And, at the same time, if Allie wasn't happy, Sadie wasn't happy. She was committed to James, of course, but she couldn't completely, entirely give herself to him until everything felt right. But things were close enough, Sadie just wished she could reassure him.

Instead, she rolled over so she was facing him. Her hands ran up his arm, then her fingers played with his still damp hair. She smiled, genuinely, at James and kissed him, "Don't puss out on me now, Diamond."

He laughed, not once looking away from her now, and pulled her closer to him. Their legs were tangled up in some heap of James and Sadie and their chests were pressed, tightly, together. His head leaned down and his lips kissed her shoulder, twice. He moved up, kissing her collarbone, her neck, her cheek and Sadie's lips, "I'm not pussing out Sadie." He whispered.

She looked at him, eyes heavy from the sudden rush of ecstasy she felt and lack of sleep, "You're worrying."

James wanted to tell her he wasn't. James wanted her to sleep, easily, and not worry about him. Because, he knew what that felt like - how he felt right now - and it wasn't something he wished on anyone. Restlessness, being unsure of everything. So, he nodded, "I...Sadie. We have to talk, seriously, about this. I'm not saying I think you will, but I can't have you run out on me again." He sighed, rolling over and covering his eyes with a muscular forearm, "You don't know what that did to me."

Sadie scooted closer, laying with her torso on top of his chest, "I have an idea."

"I don't think you do, though." It wasn't harsh, the tone he was using, but it was far from pleasant. But, this was that final moment. And, surprisingly, Sadie was ready for it. She'd spent so much time avoiding listening to James' entire side of the story. Now, she'd have to man up and take it. Because, they needed to get past this. They needded to move on. Sadie was holding them back. The look in her eyes urged James to go on, to talk to her. That surprised him. "I...I'm positive I died. When you left, you killed me. Ask anyone who was there for that, I was done for, Sades and...it took so much to bring me back. As much as I love being with you, and I love it more than my own life, I can't do that again. I can't be in that slump for the rest of my life. Not even for you."

Sadie bit her lip and nodded. She just looked at him and tried to understand, and she did. She could say it a million times, how sorry she was, but Sadie didn't think it'd really make a difference. Still, it was her body needed to get it out there. So, she kissed him, as softly as possible, and whispered, "I'm so sorry, James."

He nodded, "I know. I know you're sorry, Sadie. And, I'm forgiving you. It's just going to take me a while to trust you, again."

"I get it." She said, "But, James?"

James looked right at Sadie and pulled her closer, as a reaction to those deep brown eyes, he melted. He, then, let another sigh escape his lips before he kissed her forhead, mumbling, "Yeah, Sadie?" against it.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Rule number twelve was hitting James and Sadie in the form of Carlos Garcia._ No jealousy_.

"Carlos."

"Sadie."

"Carlos Garcia."

"Sadie Grant." He laughed. And it almost infuriated Sadie. There was nothing funny. The way he was pressing buttons, expertly, it was - if anything - annoying. "Oh, yeah. Hell yes."

Sadie's breath was labored, and she was one-hundred percent positive her hands had never gripped anything tighter. Her face was twisted in some concentrated stare, not wavering for a second. Every now and then, a low growl would escape her lips, through her chewed on lips, "Carlos, fuck. I swear to God, Garcia." She closed her eyes, there was no helping her now. At this point, it was either all or nothing. So, Sadie threw caution to the wind and pressed every button she could, all at once. Then, when her left eye peeked open, she screamed, "Fuck yes!" Dropping the game controller and standing, immediately.

Carlos sat back, running a hand over his face and almost pouting, "Well, shit."

Sadie just laughed. Shaking her hips, twirling and pelvic thrusting in a victory dance. There was a wide grin spread across her tanned face, as she repeated, "Carlos is my Mortal Kombat bitch."

James sat on the couch, next to Sadie would be if she wasn't gloating. He smirked at his girlfriend, took a minute to mull over the fact he'd been calling her that for three weeks, and draped an arm over the back of the couch. Sadie and Carlos had been playing Mortal Kombat for two hours. The Garcia/Mitchell living room, which was originally filled with Kendall, Camille, Logan, Carlos, James and Sadie, now only had three. And, James hated himself for thinking it - in fact, every time the image popped into his head, he took another drink of his Miller 64. Which, wasn't really helping at all. But, Sadie seemed so much more...Sadie-like when she was around Carlos. No one ever wants to be jealous, and James wasn't any exception to the rule. He wouldn't even be thinking about it, had Allie not planted the idea in his head a week ago. They were all hanging out, finally, and things were great. A trip to the beach, amongst friends - with a side of Allie and what's-her-face, the girl Kendall brought - was the perfect way to end their week. Summer was almost over, and things were looking up for everyone.

It was like things should have been. But, naturally, that's when someone needed to step in a ruin in. That person just happened to be Allie.

James was lounging, his elbows bent and propping himself up, while the rest of the group splashed around in the water. It was entirely innocent, as far as James was concerned, when Carlos lifted Sadie up and tossed her a couple feet away. And, when Sadie tackled his best friend, jumping like a monkey onto his back, it was just two friends enjoying their time together - lost time, that desperately needed to be made up. Allie, without James noticing, had sat herself next to him - a coke in her had and a smirk on her face. Her expression read _'I want to say something, but it'd be better if you started a conversation'_, which irked James. But his bonding with Allie was for the good of Sadie - so, he went along with it.

"Something on your mind, Allie?" He sighed, brushing his hands on his trunks and sitting up fully. He noticed Sadie looking on, and offered a wave and grin in return. She smiled back and gasped, with a mouth full of water, thanks to Camille.

Allie scoffed, which set the mood for the talk early, and bitterly, "I can't believe you're just sitting here, watching her."

"What's the supposed to mean?"

Allie looked at him, sipped her drink, then pointed towards Sadie and Carlos, "See him? Carlos, right, that's his name?" James nodded, "He's the next you. Don't you get that?"

James resisted the urge to roll his eyes, "Alright, Allie."

She laughed, again, harshly and with a shake of her head, "You don't believe me? Fine, but believe this. It wasn't the boys of Maine, so it was you. It wasn't you, and so it was PJ. There's a pattern. Sadie gets bored, she moves on." Then Allie stood, and James quickly followed, "The sooner you realize that, the better, Diamond."

"Here's the problem with that theory, Allie." James was feeling confident, this girl knew nothing. She didn't know Sadie, she knew watered-down, broken Sadie. James wasn't about to have his mind fucked by Allie, "She came back to me. And, while you might not think so, that's something."

"God, James." She was annoyed, or persistent. Either way, James didn't like it. "You're the rebound of_ your own_ rebound. You know the book, _He's Just Not That Into You_? One character always goes back to the same guy. Over and over and over again. He's the permanent rebound, and she makes him believe she's in love, only when she's lonely. PJ left, and you were there. Some broken-hearted, lost puppy dog that Sadie had wrapped around her finger. Just like the book."

"I saw the movie. They ended up together."

Allie took a step back and laughed, like James had just said the most hilarious thing in the world, "No, they don't. He ends up pushing her, and too far. He," She poked James' chest, "Pushes her," Her finger moved towards Sadie - still attached to Carlos' back, "Into something she's not ready for. And what does the girl do, she runs. Sadie's going to run, James. She always does, and she always will."

Allie just watched him for a second, after that. James' expressions switched every couple of seconds between confusion, disbelief and realization. Then, he opened his mouth to talk, "You're wrong. You can't base our relationship off of some book. A fictional book."

"Look, at least there's hope for you, Diamond." Allie just sighed, like it was bothering her, carrying on this conversation, "You'll find love in the end. Just," Allie looked to Sadie and shrugged, "Not with that girl."

And, now, here he was. A crushing grip on his party-appropriate Red Solo Cup, glaring at his best friend and his girlfriend - clearly, enjoying their time without him. And, James didn't mean to do it, but as a reaction, he stood. It was quick and drew more attention from the duo than he'd hoped. But, James liked to think he pulled off suave, wiping his hands on his jeans and clearing his throat, "It's getting late, Sades. We should get home."

Sadie raised an eyebrow, looked at her phone, then agreed, "Yeah, alright. Let's go." She reached out her arms to hug Carlos, James tapped his foot on the floor, "See you later, Potato."

Carlos laughed, hugging her tight - tighter than James' inner-Allie liked, "See ya, Pickle."

The two laughed and James scoffed, "Later, bro."

And Carlos just waved. Sadie eyed her boyfriend, then looked to the Hispanic boy on her right. Carlos only shrugged and went about his business, collecting cups and turning the TV off. James and Sadie stepped out into the hallway, across it, and into the Diamond/Knight fortress. And it took another scoff from the peanut gallery to push Sadie over the edge, "Okay, what the fuck, James?"

He looked at her, locking the door behind him, "It's just cute. You guys have little nicknames for eachother, now?"

"It's just a joke." She still wasn't completely catching on, and that frustrated James. "It was from when we went to get you guys lunch? When you were recording. Carlos was like -"

"Sadie, I don't care." James said. Then, he sighed, running a hand through his hair, "I just don't care. Look, be honest with me. Are you...are you into Carlos?"

And, Sadie laughed. It was all she could do. Throw her head back and laugh - becase this must have been a joke. James had to be joking right now. But, the look on his face read '_serious_'. It practically shouted at her, '_I'm not fucking around_', and it was scary. Only for a moment, however, until Sadie was lit, like a match, and just as furious at his accusation, "The fuck are you talking about, James?"

"You and Carlos, Sadie. That's what I'm talking about." His tone was more stern than she wanted. Like, he was scolding her for having a friend. Isn't that what he wanted, for Sadie to be friends with his friends. Wasn't she doing this for James? Fixing things, herself, their relationship? But, James was obviously beyond that. It was clear that he'd had a lot of time, too much time, to think about this. "I see the way he looks at you, and the way you're acting around him? Like, at the beach the other day. You don't have to have your hands all over him, all of the time. You know?"

She glared, crossing her arms. And, James realized how much of a fucking idiot he was to listen to Allie. "No, I guess I don't fucking know, James. Please, explain to me. How ever did you come to this brilliant fucking conclusion?"

"It's just -"

"No, on second thought. I don't care, James." She was mocking him now, which was a low blow. But, James figured he deserved it. Sadie, however, felt a pang of guilt. A guilt that was becoming all-too-common in their relationship. "I just don't care. I'm not _into_ Carlos. What part of 'I'm in love with you' don't you get, Diamond? Like it's _not_ already hard enough for me to try and gain your trust? You're going to accuse me of this? What the actual fuck." She stepped towards him, "I would never - number one - cheat on you. Let's get that out in the open. I would never - number two - leave you for your best friend. And, with that said, I would never - three - leave you, period. Ever. I already told you. I'm not going anywhere."

He felt like an idiot. And, James must have looked like an idiot, because Sadie gave him the most sympathetic look a Grant could muster and sighed. James pulled her in, there were no other words than, "I'm so fucking sorry, Sades. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize to me." Sadie laughed, taking hold of his face and grabbing it. She looked into his green eyes and breathed in his scent. Moments like these, the heated fights, followed by understanding. It was a love, a real love, like Sadie saw in movies, in her parents. It was something she believed in and it was the best thing, existing, on Earth. "Stop it."

"Allie." James whispered, "She said some...complete bullshit at the beach the other day. It's just been...I don't fucking know why I believed her, Sades."

Sadie laughed, "Because, Allie's psycho-babble is commonly bullshit. But, it's bullshit that resonnates. And, while some of it may be true, she doesn't know us. No one does, right? We're completely fucked, since day one, and we've accepted that. So, why the fuck does it matter what my bitch roommate says?"

James shook his head, laughing, "I'm so fucking stupid."

"You are. You're a fucking idiot, Diamond." Sadie grinned, "You're tacky and I hate you."

"Thanks, Sadie."

"But, here's the deal." She kissed him, soft and slow, then pulled back, "I won't leave if you don't."

James nodded, a smile on his face, "Deal."

_reviewers are sexual little babes:  
><em>**HorrorGurlxOxO: **baby! i missed you! love da quote, and I KNOW! i can't wait for the sequel, like literally can't wait. loving your Princess choice. I watched Aladdin AND Pocahontas in the past week! _Ten points for loving street rats and John Smith, babes._ (:  
><strong>jackiex3:<strong> go be a babe somewhere else, alright? girl, shoot. i know you wants to be part of this world. horrible ariel pun for the win, yo. i'm taking five points, though, from your house for picking a ginger. _BUT, i'm rewarding twenty for so many anchorman quotes and ten points for love and reasons._ (:  
><strong>Arocksprpl2:<strong> YES, by all means, run the bitch over. can that be a chant? RUN DAT BITCH DOWN! it'd be swell. _Five points for hating PJ._ (:  
><strong>BigTimeWriterandRead:<strong> AVERY. I LOVE YOU. I've been great! thanks for asking, babes. how have you been? glad you liked it. _Ten points for asking me how I'm doing!_ (:  
><strong>HomeSkillitBiscuit . 93:<strong> i CAN say that, in fact, i'm going to say it. CONFRONTATION, YAH'LL, BETWEEN JAMES AND PJ. because it's gonna happen, and you're gonna love it. i promise. _Five points for the extended letters in your "_**verrryyyyyy**_"!_ (:  
><strong>bradytheboss887:<strong> welcome back to Earth. over here we have some refreshments, help yourself. and later, we're gonna watch Titanic and cry ourselves to sleep. AND YES. Girl, Prince Phillip is like...yum. much love right back. _Twenty points for the lamp quote!_ (:  
><strong>StuckAt9. 99:<strong> aw, babe, you're the best! i love you right back. for reals and for keeps. I promise not to die, and YES. your dreamis is in the mail. _TWENTY POINTS FOR PICKING TIANA, BABYCAKES._ (:  
><strong>anon:<strong> i love you're beautiful, grey face. and here's your update, babes. _Minus five points for being anon, but plus ten points for liking Hellogoodbye._ (:  
><strong>Pucoan:<strong> i worship everything that's Nicole. and don't fret, babes, the Annual Fourth is in the process of being updated. _Ten points for punching ovaries, Ten points for picking Tiana and crying!_ (:  
><strong>DiamondDrop694:<strong> it's alright, babes, i totally understand. and i know, right? get in loser, we're having shower sex! i have a feeling a certain BTR member might be kicking som ass later on...just saying. _Five points for liking shower sex!_ (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow:<strong> girl, that's my JAM. i swear. and i'm ever so pleased you liked it! you're the best story I've ever read, babes. _Five points for Cascada!_ (:  
><strong>xxhalestormxx:<strong> HEY YOU, HALEY BOO. made that up, all on my own. you and my cousin have the same name, spell it the same, too. FUCKING WELCOME! and, girl, i do try, thanks for appreciating. and, trust, there will be plenty of drama. you're near perfect, babes._ Five points for your name,_ _Ten points for picking Belle, five points for BTR song pun!_ (:  
><strong>jchamberz:<strong> i love you. you're perfectly written, baby cakes. _Five points for love_ (:  
><strong>mum's the name:<strong> WELCOME, BABES. i'm glad you liked the Benefits and now this. you rock my bed. _Five points for being new! _(:


	14. boys and brawls

**author's note: **So, PJ is back.

dun.

Dun.

DUN.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter fourteen  
><strong>boys and brawls<strong>

James had been having these insane, far-fetched, out of this world and realm of possibility visions of the future. A future involving himself and Sadie, just together, maybe with kids and on the front porch of some ranch house. It was when he found himself thinking these things, that he realized just how far he and Sadie had come. Two kids, once upon a time, wrote a list of rules to avoid the monster they called "love". Two kids, who were naive enough to think that being friends with benefits was actually even a little beneficial. Sadie and James were proven wrong, rule by rule. That amazed him. And then, they came together - scared to death, hesitant and rocky. It was a mess, destined for failure, but he was willing to try. It was Sadie, she was dragging them down. James hated to admit that to himself, the girl of his dreams didn't want to be with him. It took it's toll. An entire year, to be precise. And Sadie had moved on, she swore up and down she moved on. But, James knew that she had to know, PJ wasn't moving on. PJ was a replacement.

The bitter half of James would remark that he was a poor replacement.

But, then, something happened. And, James would never say it was fate, because he wasn't sure what fate was. He didn't want to believe in something that sounded so cheesy. So, he called it a happenstance, or serendipity. Never fate. Either way you worded it, they were brought back together. Somewhere among Lucky Charms and Ramen Noodles, in a grocery store halfway between both their apartments, Sadie and James were reunited. And to say that it "felt so good" would be a lie, because it hurt. It was like the weight of every skyscraper in the world hit them both, square in the chest. Then, came around a second time to hit them in the gut. Everything was a mess, catastrophic. But, it worked itself out. And, things went back to Sadie-and-James-normal.

Sadie's apartment had become a regular spot for them. James wasn't too sure about Allie, still, but she was rarely ever there and, when she was home, had then tendency to steer clear of Sadie's room. They were folding laundry, like an old married couple. It was one of those moments when James' mind was flooded, and sank towards Missus-Sadie-Diamond Land. He was bringing the corners of a shirt together when Sadie gave him a look. He turned back to her, looked at the shirt, and then sighed, "What?"

"You're not allowed to fold my laundry anymore." Sadie smirked.

"What are you talking about?" James, reluctantly, handed the shirt over to an expectant Sadie, "I'm a master folder."

"The only thing you master," And, so quickly, she mangled the shirt to look like the others in a pile. Sadie smiled at James, "Is the bation."

She laughed at her own joke, James rolling his eyes. She loved moments like this, domestic Sadie and trying-to-help James gave her this overwhelming comfort. It was when she noticed how much they'd both matured, how much they grew - herself, mostly. She wasn't stubborn, heart-on-lock-down Sadie anymore, she wasn't even the version of herself from three months ago. Sadie was almost an adult, almost to a point in her life where she was proud to just be herself. It was because of James. He was perfect _for_ her. He was everything _to_ her. James was tolerant, James was understanding. He put up with Sadie at her worst - and, as much as she hated to say that, he was what she needed. Sadie realized that now. And, even further, she was starting to realize that James was someone she could spend the rest of her life with.

James let out another sigh, plopping down on the bed - on top of recently folded, neatly stacked clothes. Sadie mumbled something about him ruining her clean clothes, so he laughed and scooted, picking up a lacy thong from the basket, "Ooh, I don't think I've seen this one before."

Sadie shook her head, "Yes, you have."

"Maybe you should model it for me."

"Here's an idea, why don't you?" She chuckled, "Or, better yet, you could help."

James let out a breath, covering his face, "What do you want from me, woman?" He stood, and his hands found her waist. His chin was rested on her shoulder as he pulled her closer, "You get mad when I help, mad when I don't. Tell me what to do."

Sadie's hands rested on top of his for a second, before she sighed, herself, "You could put my t-shirts away."

"You mean my shirts." James laughed, patting her butt and stepping around her. It wasn't entirely false. Half of Sadie's drawer was James' left behind undershirts, or v-necks she'd borrowed. And, as James was squatting down to put them away, seeing the pile of mixed tops, he leveled up in confidence and got an idea he reckoned was killer.

He could almost hear Sadie's smirk, as she said, "It's not my fault you abandoned them." Even if it was entirely her fault.

But, James wasn't listening at that point. He was speaking, before thinking and smiling like an idiot. Sadie was looking at him, like he sprouted not one, but two extra heads, and she'd stopped folding her pajama shorts. James licked his lips, "You should move in with me."

Sadie laughed, though, it sounded more like a scoff. "What did you just say?"

"I'm serious, Sadie." He stepped closer to her, hands out for her to take. "You should." She took them and he pulled her into a hug, looking down into her brown eyes, with unwavering confidence, "Move in with me. And Kendall, but he doesn't matter."

"James, think about this." Sadie sighed, "We'd fight constantly, and there would be no place for either of us to go and get away from each other. Can we just imagine that for a second?"

"That's the thing," James grinned, "I don't want to get away from you. Even when we're fighting. We both know that angry sex is the best kind of sex, and," He looked off, somewhere, and sighed, "I don't know, I just fucking love you, Sadie."

"I love you, too, James."

"Then just say you'll move in with me." He pushed, ignoring that still pestering conversation with Allie.

Sadie bit her lip and closed her eyes. She imagined always waking up next to James, always being near him and without feeling judge. No worries, just James and Sadie, together. So, she nodded. She nodded her head and covered her face, and gave her muffled reply, "Yes. Yes, I'll move in with you, asshole."

James reacted, immediately, picking Sadie up and spinning her. He was like a child, on Christmas morning, who got just what he wanted from Santa. Ecstatic wouldn't begin to describe his emotion. Nor thirlled, or even bursting. James was just in love with this perfect - by his own definition - girl, named Sadie Grant, and he wanted to scream about it. Instead, however, he pulled her up to him for a kiss, taking his time to make sure it was the best one yet. And, it would have been, had the door to the apartment not slammed in the background.

Sadie's eyebrow raised, "Allie must have had a shitty day at work. Hold on." She excused herself and stepped into the hall, "Hey, Al. I got some news for you, involving an add in the paper entitled 'Single White Female Needs Roommate'."

She was sure her joke was clever enough to deserve a laugh, even from a pissed off Allie. But, when Sadie looked up, she saw not only her once best friend, but someone she never wanted to see again, "Sadie." His voice was deep, and more terrifying that Sadie wanted it to be. PJ's temper hadn't changed, not for the better. He was enraged, and unlike Sadie had ever seen.

"Uh, PJ." Sadie's eyes flicked towards Allie, who looked remorseful? Proud, maybe? Either way, Sadie was not pleased with the girl, and she thought that read clear on her own face, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm your boyfriend."

She scoffed, "PJ, there are many things I would call you, delusional being one. But, you're most definitely not my boyfriend. Not anymore."

PJ stepped towards her, and Sadie felt she'd made a mistake, "Well, shit. Look who grew a spine."

"Look, I'm not doing this shit with you, PJ." Sadie sighed, rubbing her temples. "This is over, it's been over for a month now. We're not having a huge fucking blowout fight, because you can't control your temper, alright? I'm going to go back to my room, and you should go home. Get some rest."

She turned then, and quickly guessed that was a mistake. PJ, infuriated, grabbed her short ponytail and pulled her back. The middle school approach to starting a fight. She gasped and squeaked a little, stumbling back. Allie, Sadie assumed, realizing what she'd unleashed, jumped up and forward, "PJ, let go of her. Stop it."

"Jesus fucking Christ." Sadie rubbed the back of her head, trying to keep her cool and not sock PJ in the face. It was then that she realized she'd kept her cool too long. Then, she realized, she let PJ do this one too many times. Never physical, but the belittling, like Sadie couldn't take care of herself. She glared at him and almost growled, "Get the fuck out, PJ."

"Who the fuck is going to make me, Sadie?" He snarled. He must have been drunk. His blonde hair was disheveled and sticking to his face. He looked like a mess, and it made Sadie want to laugh. "Is it gonna be you?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but another voice came out. She knew it'd be a matter of minutes before James heard what was going on, the name coming out of Sadie's mouth, and apparently now was the time he decided to step up. She rolled her eyes, however, because James said, "No, it'll be me." Like he was a fucking superhero, and it would have irritated her, had he not been defending her, "You need to leave, bro."

"I'm not your bro, asshole."

James nodded, "Right, you're just a dick who thinks he can lay a hand on my girlfriend. So, again, you need to leave."

Sadie never wanted to have sex with James more in her life. PJ stumbled forward a bit, "I'm not going anywhere."

Then, James dropped his arm from around Sadie and laughed. He patted PJ on the back, making the blonde flinch, then gestured towards the couch, "Well, then, have a seat. I'll pop some popcorn and we'll have a girls night in?" James wasn't just like a superhero. He was a superhero. "Or, better yet." He stepped in front of a confused PJ. Then, he swung and hit the other boy square in the nose, "Or, I could beat your ass out the door. Leave, PJ, now."

If it had been that simple, Sadie would have done the same years ago. But, something about James doing it turned her on, made her laugh, and set her earlier decision in stone. She needed this boy, this man, in her life. James Without Flaw Diamond was all Sadie would ever need. PJ left, almost immediately after he noticed it was his nose dripping blood on the carpet, and Sadie burst into laughter, wrapping her arms around James and throwing her head back, "Babe, you are fan-fucking-tastic. Oh my God." She kissed him, her breath suddenly short, "I fucking love you, James Edward Diamond."

He laughed at her, kissed her once, and said, "I love you, too, Sadie Noelle Grant."

Allie was standing in the doorway of the apartment, looking between a retreating PJ, and a loving couple. Her mouth wouldn't close, like she wanted to say something, but it just wasn't forming. Finally, she muttered, "That's...not how I imagined that going."

"Sucks, doesn't it." Sadie smirked, "Look, Allie. I appreciate your fake effort and friendship, but I'm...I'm moving out."

"I didn't know he'd do that." She argued.

Sadie shrugged, "I think you did, though. And, it's okay. Because, this guy?" She pointed her thumb back towards James. He stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders, smirking to himself and Allie - to prove a point, "Was here. And he always will be. You can't deal with that, so I'm leaving."

"And that's the way the cookie crumbles." James did and impression and Sadie laughed.

"Ruin an empowering moment, James Almighty. Fuck." She smirked, "Come on, I'm fucking your brains out tonight."

"Will you model that thong?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes and patted his chest, "I'll model that thong."

"Oh," James cheered, "Score. Yes!"

_reviewers are sexual little babes:_

Gryffindor: 47 POINTS  
><span>Hufflepuff:<span> 14 POINTS  
><span>Ravenclaw:<span> 7 POINTS  
><span>Slytherin:<span> 10 POINTS

**HomeSkillitBiscuit. 93: **Shit kind of went down, yeah? I mean, it is Sadie and James. Only so much shit can go down. I'm the sorting hat, and I'm placing you in Ravenclaw. **SO SEVEN POINTS** TO RAVENCLAW FOR KICKING ALLIE IN THE THROAT. (:  
><strong>HorrorGurlxOxO: TEN POINTS<strong> TO THA GRYFF FOR JOHN SMITH AND BEATING THE SHIT OUTTA ALLIE. I love you. (:  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow:<strong> Aw, beautiful, you're perfect. DID YOU LOVE THE CONCERT? I'm the sorting hat, and I'm placing you in Hufflepuff. **TEN POINTS** TO THE PUFF PUFF'S BECAUSE OF BTR SUMMER TOUR AND BEAUTY.  
><strong>ddluvsjc<strong>: You're nothing short of awesome, babes! I'm the sorting hat, you're in Slytherin.** FOUR POINTS** FOR WARM WELCOMES.  
><strong>Arocksprpl2:<strong> That was...terrifying. I'm putting you in Slytherin. **ONE POIN**T FOR BEING TERRIFYING.  
><strong>jackiex3:<strong> really, because Kacksey is my OTP. Kendall/Jackie/Kelsey. So, I suppose it'd be a OTTrio? I...I tried to make that work. I'm wavering on the Hufflepuff line, myself, bro. But,** TWELVE POINTS** TO GRYFFINDOR, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY ANYTHING AND JACKIE. Unbiased.  
><strong>DeniseDEMD:<strong> No one likes Allie, dat bitch be cray. I'm putting you into Slytherin. **FIVE POINTS** TO DA SNAKES FOR HATING ALLIE.  
><strong>Anne Poppel:<strong> You're perfect. You're famous in my mind, baby girl. I'm putting you in Gryffindor.** TEN POINTS** TO THE ROAR LIONS BECAUSE THIS GIRL MAKES ME SMILE AND I LOVE HER.  
><strong>StuckAt9. 99:<strong> I just fucking love you. I feel like I always reply the same to your reviews, but baby. I just do. **FIVE POINTS** TO GRYFFINDOR, **FOUR** TO HUFFLEPUFF - BECAUSE SHE'S A GRYFFLEPUFF.  
>GravityDefier7827: BABY GIRL, YOU'RE EVERYTHING. I'm so glad you like it, and me (; Your review meant so much. <strong>TEN POINTS<strong> TO GRYFF'S BECAUSE I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE. 

So...Gryffindor is winning. Where are mah other houses, yo? Sneak attack review question, it's been done before, but ship me? With Big Time Rush, of course. And I'll ship you guyzzz. Attention whore. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Or, actually, FAVORITE SONG BY USHER. Deal.


	15. making a home

**author's note: **a lot of good things happen in this chapter. it's second to last. there will be a series of one-shots involving Jadie, in the future. just some scenes that i couldn't work into **the Benefits** or** the Hang Ups**, and aren't quite worthy of a entire third story.

the parting with Sadie and Allie is fucking stupid. but, i wrote it, and it happened, and fucking deal.

i realized that i hadn't written any smut for quite sometime, so this got a bit sexy and dirty and yes.

i love you guys more than james loves to be fucking sexy.

the end.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter fifteen  
><strong>making a home<strong>

Sadie always felt like she was running from something, when she packed away her belongings. In Maine, the first time, it was her shit life. She was running towards new experiences and a possible future she made on her own. When L.A. and James didn't work out, she packed up and ran back home, to try and figure herself, her life, everything out. After Maine, the second time, and after all the appointments with her shrink, she was running towards that same future, but at a different angle. And now, she was running from all this apartment meant - her relationship with PJ, her friendship with Allie, being a part-time Nanny to pay for some run down, paint-chipped shithole of a home. It was, by far, her least favorite past. She'd even take broken, sorry-for-herself Sadie over the Sadie she'd been within these walls; a liar, a cheater, someone entirely different from herself. And for what? For a boy she never loved and a friend she never trusted.

It seemed bizare that she would even put herself in that position. She was Sadie Grant. Sadie fucking Grant. That used to mean something. And, it was about to mean something again. She sifted through her drawers, piling things haphazardly into cardboard boxes she'd saved. She had an entire box dedicated to notebooks and papers, almost overflowing and mostly of dances she's mapped out with hasty markings of '_1, 2, 3, 4 - triple pirouette_'. But, in the drawer with her underpants and delicates, there was something she'd been intentionally looking for. That list. The Rules of the Hump. She smiled, when the familiar crinkle of the college ruled paper hit her fingers, and pulled it out.

"My God." She read over the rules, for the millionth time, and laughed to herself. James had to see this, this was the biggest part of them that remained. Hard evidence of everywhere they'd been. She bit her lip and scanned the room, she needed to frame this.

There was a black picture frame on her wall -a picture of herself and Allie, hugging and laughing at a Halloween party inside. She cringed looking at it. Because part of Sadie wished she and Allie could still be friends. It just didn't seem like it was going to happen, at this rate. The small, timid knock on her door frame brought Sadie from her thoughts, and brought her face to face with reality. Allie was looking at her, apologetic, she thought, and not saying a word. Sadie gave a small smile, but looked back down at the picture in her hand. In it's place, an old crumpled up piece of paper. Because, at the end of the day, Sadie valued what she had with James over anything she'd had with Allie. And, that symbolism was killing her.

Finally, though, Allie made the first step and spoke, "Sadie, I'm sorry."

"I'm glad." Was all Sadie said. It's not that she wanted to leave on bad terms with Allie, but she was far from forgiving her.

Allie sighed, "You don't have to be a bitch, Sadie."

"Right, right." Sadie nodded, folding her shirts on the floor and not looking up, "You've done enough of that for the both of us. You know, you have this hilarious habit of starting shit because you think you're right, Allie."

"Yeah, I know I do. And you have a habit of running like a little bitch when things don't go your way." Sadie glared at her, she'd never admit she knew Allie was right. Allie's arms were crossed, her expression was proud. It was enough to make Sadie want to punch her in the throat, "Look at you, packing shit up - again, like always. When has this," Allie motioned to the mess in her ex-roommate's room, "ever fucking fixed anything, hmm, Sadie?"

Sadie didn't have a response for that, but she refused to stay quiet. There were too many things she needed to say to Allie before she left, "James told me about the conversation you two had, Allie."

"Oh, you mean the various conversations I tried to start with him, but he refused to be even the least bit friendly?" Allie shot back, obviously impressed with her comeback, like she'd tricked Sadie, "Do tell what he said, Sadie. I'm actually dying to hear this."

"The one on the beach." That shut her up. A look of guilt was enough to confirm, not that Sadie thought"Jesus Christ, Allie. What the fuck did you think you were doing? This isn't Days of Our Lives, alright? You can't go around doing shit like that. I don't...I don't even know what to say to you. This entire...part of my life, it just needs to be done with. You, PJ, UCLA. It's not who I am."

"Then who the fuck are you, Sadie?" Allie persisted.

And Sadie shrugged. She looked down at her boxes, nearly done and full. She was almost moving on, and that felt good. She looked at Allie, "I'm Sadie fucking Grant, you know? I'm a bitch, and I'm rude, and I play naked Just Dance 2 with my boyfriend, James Diamond. And James Diamond is someone who loves me for that." Then Sadie laughed, "And you're just someone I never want to see again."

"Sadie?" James' voice called through the apartment, and she smiled, "Hey, babe. Allie."

Allie looked at James, at Sadie's smile and stepped back, "Good luck."

James watched Allie walk down the hall and out the apartment. He turned back to Sadie with the most adorable expression on his face. She was happy, just standing there looking at him. Sadie couldn't stop her feet, she walked over to James and grabbed the back of his neck. He only laughed and brought her other arm up to his neck, running his fingers down both arms to her waist, "What's that about?"

She kissed him, "Doesn't matter."

"Alright." It was that simple, no twenty questions, "Are you ready, then? The truck is downstairs." He looked around the room. Everything seemed scattered and out of place, "I'll take that as a 'no'."

Sadie laughed, "Start taping boxes. Whatever gets left behind, gets left behind. I don't care."

James nodded and agreed, taking a tape roll and closing the boxes while Sadie threw what she wanted into the open ones. Underwear on top of books, dresses with movies. It was disorganized, messy and perfectly Sadie. James started carrying boxes down, Sadie joined him when it came to the dresser and before either of them realized, the room was empty - with the exception of Sadie's bed. It looked naked, strange but perfect.

She smacked his ass and smirked, "Let's go home?"

"Home?" James put his arm around Sadie's shoulder and pulled her in, "How fucking awesome does that sound?"

Sadie mocked him, a California surfer impression, "Totally fucking awesome, bro."

He chuckled, "It's an improvement to your British accent."

"Fuck. You."

"Later, babe. Let's go."

It only took ten minutes for Sadie to realize they were driving in the opposite direction - James bet it'd take five. But, she was fiddling with the radio for a good seven. Then, when she looked up, her eyebrow raised, "Where are we?"

"Going home." James answered, casually.

She looked across the front seat of the moving truck and eyed him, "James, your apartment is the other way."

He grabbed her hand, smirked, and squeezed it, "Right, yeah, I know that. But, _our_ apartment is this way. In fact." He pulled the truck over and turned it off, "_Our_ apartment is right here."

The building was practically all glass, expensive looking, like a breeding ground for Los Angeles business men and their trophy wives. Her jaw dropped and she kept looking from her boyfriend to the apartments, and back again, "James fucking Diamond, what did you do?"

"Nothing." He shrugged. James hopped out of the truck, waving at the traffic that stopped for him, and skipped around the front to Sadie's door. She was still inside, gaping at him. He laughed and opened the door, "I got to thinking about it, and I didn't really feel like sharing an apartment with Kendall was such a good idea. You don't know the kind of girls he brings home."

She laughed, "I have an idea."

"Mm, exactly." James nodded, "So, I bought this. Well, we're renting. It's close to the studio, it's spacious, and we're alone. That's all I want, Sadie." James kissed her, "Being alone with my girlfriend, in an apartment we call home. Besides, it's closer to work for you, too."

"Wait a minute, work?" Sadie pushed him back, "Jobless, broke, former student."

James smirked, "Surprise number two, Sades." He pulled her out of the car, placing her in front of the mirror, "You are looking at the new choreographer of Big Time Rush."

"What?" She turned to look at him, but James turned her head back. "How'd you even do that?" Again, she tried to look at her boyfriend, but he only pushed her back, Sadie laughed, "She's a fucking babe."

"I know, that's why I'm dating her." James kissed her neck, her cheek, turned her around and kissed her lips, "Don't I get a 'Thank You'?"

"Thank you, James."

"How about, 'you're the best boyfriend in the world'." James wiggled his eyebrows.

Sadie shrugged, "I guess."

"Say it."

"I'll think about it." She pulled on his hand, "Now, show me where you're getting lucky tonight."

Three days. Three days since Sadie and James had lived together, happy and with only each other. It was beyond a step in their relationship. It was a fucking leap, and neither of them lost faith. It was cliched and movie-scene-perfect. Nothing could fuck it up. Sadie went and talked to Gustavo the day after they'd officially moved in. The swanky apartment of Sadie's Hollywood dreams. James got everything right, everything perfect. Her life was literally a perfect sky, and there was no sign of clouds in her future. She rolled over on her side, colliding with James' body. They'd been glued at the hip, or the pelvis, or the lips, but inseparable either way. Every waking moment James wasn't preparing for the upcoming tour, or Sadie wasn't choreographing for the same thing, they were in their bed, molded together.

They watched movies.

They cuddled.

Made out.

Made love.

They were just themselves, the best version. The clock read 7:05 A.M. and Sadie groaned, rubbing her eyes. James was in a particularly good mood last night, and Sadie was happy to please. She started tracing circles on James' chest to wake him up, and he responded quickly, mumbling a good morning and kissing her temple. She smiled back and placed a kiss on his cheek, "Morning, James."

"What time is it."

"Seven something."

"Oh, God. I don't want to go to work." He wiped a hand on his face, breathing out a sigh.

Sadie smirked, kissing his chest, his stomach, straddling his lap and kissing his lips, "Then don't. Stay with me. What's one day. I promise, the choreographer won't get mad."

James smiled, "I'd love to. But, I promise the Gustavo will. He'd kill me."

But, James didn't finish a thought after that. Sadie was distracting him with a kiss. Passionate and deep, her tongue swirled in his mouth, and she moaned when James' hands found her ass. He squeezed it, pulling her closer to him, and gently rolled over so he was on top. Time passed, during their session, and the alarm finally went off, for the tenth time. James smacked it, turning it off, and pulled his swollen lips away from Sadie's. She was breathing just as heavily as he was, neither one really concerned with the time, at this point. That is, until James' phone rang from the bedside table. He glared at it, groaned, but decided to answer anyway, "What, Logan?"

Sadie heard a faint reply from the other boy, and sighed, resting her arm over her eyes and thinking about the night before. She couldn't help but bite her lip, and she knew James was watching her when his hand ran along her inner thigh and made circles at the top. She closed her eyes, leaning her head back and sighed, again. He was acting so casual on the phone, and it was killing her. If Logan only knew. James had been teasing too long, Sadie quickly decided. Between grinding against her, and now this, she'd had enough.

Reaching across her body, she pulled the phone from James' hand, "Logan, James can't come out to play today." Logan asked why and Sadie smirked, "He's bed ridden. Stop calling." And, with that, she hung up the phone and nearly pounced on James. "You need to be inside me, thirty seconds, or I'm going to die."

"Well, I can't have that."

James removed his boxers, quicker than Sadie had ever seen, and hers were next. James did her one better, then, in only twenty seconds. Sadie gasped and closed her eyes. She was far from prepared for that. His hands were gripping her hips, James was kneeling on the bed and pulling her towards him. She was arching her back, arching her feet, raising her body off the bed in anyway she could. He started moving, slowly and sensually running his hands up her body. They wrapped around Sadie's torso, pulling her up so her chest was against his; her sports bra the only thing separating them. James was quick to use one hand, pushing it up, and Sadie offered her help, pulling it over her head and tossing it across the room.

He kissed her, lips still full from before, and hungry. She almost couldn't breathe, but Sadie would never complain. The way James kissed her was better than any other kisses she'd had, combined. He was full of fire and want, his lips never left hers - sometimes not even to take a breath, he'd just pause and breathe through his nose. His face was always pressed against her, there was never any space between their bodies, and everything was in a rush - but an enjoyable rush. He was eager and passionate and fun. His tongue flirted with hers, found it's rhythm, then pressed against the roof of her mouth to make her moan.

Sadie loved every minute of it.

Not one moan was stifled or quieted. She could be as loud as she wanted to in the Grant/Diamond household. Not a roommate in site. Just her and James. She couldn't stress that enough. Camille got annoyed with her, when they talked, because it's all she wanted to tell her. How much she loved the solitude. Being wrapped up in James for hours on end. And James couldn't agree more.

He thrust into her, harder now, and moaned into her mouth. One hand was tangled in her still sexed hair from the night before. The other was getting Sadie as close to his body as he could. He laid her down, onto the soft, King sized bed, and braced himself on the head board - partially to keep it from banging against the wall. He smirked at the thought and nibbled at Sadie's mouth, "God, Sadie." He moaned, "You're so fucking hot, baby."

"Stop talking." Sadie chuckled, "Kiss me."

James did, hard, sort of playful. It made Sadie smile, but only for a moment before he hit that certain spot. She rolled her hips, trying to get him to hit it again, and James knew what she was doing, "No, no. Not yet, babe. Come on."

"James..." She breathed, "I need..."

He slowed down, "Just wait, only a second."

She bit her lip and closed her eyes tighter. If she bit any harder, it'd probably start bleeding. But, this was torture. James was torturing her, which was almost worse that teasing her. She couldn't control her breathing anymore, between kisses and pants, it was getting too hard. James' lips found her collar bone, and that was really too much. He nibbled and kissed and nibbled more, like a fucking tease, then picked up his pace again. His hands gripped Sadie's hips, hard, no doubt she'd have bruises later. And, then, he made that face - the one Sadie loved more than anything. James closed his eyes, titled his head down and gritted his teeth together - all the while, slamming his hips against hers. Sadie met his thrust, exactly, and practically screamed, "Oh, God, James."

"Sadie." He grunted.

One, two, three and four slams and he was done, Sadie followed him. But, just to make sure she got as much out of it as he did, James slipped his hand between them and rubbed circles around her clit. She screamed, then, fully and loudly. Sadie just let go and threw her head back, one hand was on James' - the one still holding her hip, and the other was on his back, until, finally, she was done.

They stayed there for a while, just breathing, James' head resting on Sadie's chest in an all-too-familiar, and comfortable, position. She kissed his head, repeatedly, and stroked his hair, "I love you."

He kissed her stomach, "I love you, too, baby."

"See?" Sadie smirked, "Wasn't this better than work."

"Oh," James laughed, "Much better. But," He looked at the clock, "I still have to go. And so do you. Shit to do, tours to choreograph. It's your first official day, babe."

"But, Daddy, I don't wanna go to school." Sadie covered her eyes and pouted.

James kissed her pouted lips and then rolled off her, "I'm not your Daddy. I'm your boyfriend." Sadie turned so her back was facing James. He smirked and smacked her bare, exposed ass. "And your boyfriend says get up."

"My boyfriend sucks dick." Sadie grumbled.

"And my girlfriend is a lazy bitch."

Sadie raised a finger and corrected, "Lazy _hot_ bitch."

"With a big ass." James added.

Sadie's mouth opened and she glared at him. Then, she jumped up from the bed and chased after him. Pouncing onto his back, in the living room - halfway to the bathroom - she bit his ear, gently. He laughed and wrapped his arms around her, running down her legs to hold her up. He carried her to the shower and turned on the faucet. Without waiting for the water to heat up, James pried Sadie off of him and dropped her into the cold water. She shrieked, but stayed in, pouting once more.

"What the fuck has happened to you, Sadie?" James laughed. She was a drastic change from Sadie, three months ago. And that Sadie was drastic from Pissed At the World Sadie. But, this Sadie, James loved.

She flipped her hair forward, splashing James with the cold water. He jumped back and gasped, while Sadie smirked, "You happened, asshole." Then she closed the curtain, "Now, fuck off."

_reviewers are sexual little babes:_

Gryffindor: 92 POINTS  
><span>Hufflepuff:<span> 44 POINTS  
><span>Ravenclaw:<span> 17 POINTS  
><span>Slytherin:<span> 20 POINTS

**ArianamaslowBTR25: **You've been sorted into Hufflepuff! And TEN POINTS FOR READING IT ALL IN A DAY!  
><strong>HorrorGurlxOxO:<strong> Kelsey Dean Maslow has a nice ring to it, doesn't it. Thanks, babes. Climax is the actual shit, alright. I love that entire album. I LOVE YOU TOO BABY. TWENTY POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR FOR USHER AND SHIPPING.  
><strong>GravityDefier7827: <strong>Girl, Confessions is excellent. Aw, my infinite love for you grows every day, baby girl. Always be crazy with me, seriously, I'll love you for it. FIFTEEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR FOR CONFESSIONS AND INFINITE LOVE.  
><strong>Arocksprpl2: <strong>Aw, you get better and better, babes. And, thank God the machines are away. Shit was cray. FIVE POINTS TO THE SNAKES FOR NORMALCY.  
><strong>HomeSkillitBiscuit. 93:<strong> Omg, a garbage disposal. You are perfect. You should love me. We should love. Each other. TEN POINTS TO RAVENCLAW BECAUSE I SAID SO.  
><strong>AlyssaMaslow:<strong> Oooh, I know. I died when I went. Omg. And Shipping me with Logan AND James? You're perfect. And you're beautiful. I just love you, Lyss. I'm sure your stories are amazing, babes. TEN POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF BECAUSE SHE'S PERF.  
><strong>Anon T:<strong> I'm putting you in Slytherin, because there is a lack of snakes. And I need my snakes represented. FIVE POINTS TO THE SNAKES.  
><strong>jackiex3<strong>: I POSTED A CHAPTER TONIGHT. I'M SORRY. I LOVE YOU. TEN POINTS TO GRYFF BECAUSE I LIED.  
><strong>Gummy'Fish'Lover:<strong> OMG I WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. I want to go to Germany so bad. Have I said that before. I missed you. TEN POINTS TO THE HUFFIES BECAUSE OF GERMAN AND CASHIERS BEING CONFUSED.

Gryffindor is still winning. As a Slytherin, this is something I don't much enjoy. Ah, well.

If you're reading this, favorite song from the seventies. And, I missed you all. And, I'm sorry.


	16. when it comes to an end

**author's note:** this is the end. and smut. and love.

It's going to be short.

I'd just like to quickly express how much every single review has meant to me, over the course of these two stories. I know, with the Hang Ups, I was always late on updating. Fucking hell, it's been a month since I last updated this. But, you guys were always the best, and I seriously just fucking love you. To no end.

I just...I can't.

You're all perfect.

I love you.

Final chapter, here we go.

_the Hang Ups  
><em>chapter sixteen  
><strong>when it comes to an end<strong>

"Write me a love song." Sadie's fingers traced the every outline of James' chest, where her head currently rested. If eighteen-year-old Sadie could see her now, cuddled up next to a boy who was the literal definition of perfect, she wouldn't believe it. Hell, Sadie now didn't believe it. James was, and she could say it until she died, everything to her. Their whole relationship, it's ups and it's serious downs brought them to this apartment, to this bed, to this moment. Where Sadie was simply Sadie and James was simply James and everything was right. She had a dream job. Not only was she dancing, but she was dancing with the love of her life. She had friends, and quality friendships, that she could rely on. Sadie was doing just fine.

James laughed, pulling at her loose curls and watching her, "Write you a love song?"

"Yes." Sadie nodded, "Right now."

He sat up, halfway, leaning on his elbow and hovering over Sadie. He looked into those dark brown eyes, smiled and kissed her softly, "Alright." His hand rested on her stomach, rubbing small circles on her skin. Sadie's eyes never left his face, but James' traveled up and down her body until he started singing, in a soft tone, with a mischievous grin, "There's a girl named Sadie, and that girl is my lady. She's not too shady, and she should have my babies."

Sadie laughed, loudly, and patted his cheek, "Babies doesn't rhyme with shady."

James' jaw dropped in faux offense, "It was a slant rhyme. Don't harsh my musical creativity, Sades." Then he gasped, his eyes lighting up again, "Oh, I'll use "Sades" instead and rhyme it with David Spade, and AIDS and Dennis Quaid."

"Jesus, James." Sadie chuckled, a small smirk on her lips, "You're so lame." And then, Sadie sat up, forcing James back. "Oh, my God. Yes."

"What?" He asked, laughing, "What are you doing?"

"My boyfriend's name is James. He's the King of all things Lame." She sang, loudly and obnoxiously, and James just sat back and watched. Sadie went to her knees and bounced, then stood completely and danced on the king-sized bed, "Since birth, his dick's been the same, so he hangs his head in shame!"

"Alright, that's enough!" He latched onto her legs, pulling her down on top of him, so one leg was on either side of his torso, "You think you're so fucking funny, don't you, babe?"

Sadie nodded, proudly, crossing her arms, "I mean, one of us has to be, right?"

James' hands ran up and down her thighs, he tapped a light rhythm and took a moment to let his reality sink it. He was living in this apartment, alone, with the most beautiful girl he'd ever have. A girl he loved more than anything, more than himself - which, honestly, was really saying something. A girl he'd take home to his mother, solely because that'd be a sight to see. Brooke Diamond and Sadie Grant were almost too similar, in personality. He was about to go on another tour, three months of not seeing the girl he was holding, right now. He leaned up and kissed her, loving - so much - the feeling of her melting into his body. Then, he pulled away and whispered, "I'm gonna miss you, Sades."

She shrugged, "You're a big boy, Diamond, you'll be just fine."

"I love you, Sadie." He said.

So, Sadie said back, "I love you, James."

He grabbed her legs and pulled her closer, letting his fingers run over her thighs, her ass, up her back and to the clasp of her bra. She just watched his eyes - the green changing to a darker, lusty shade. Her smirked was inevitable, as he undid the clasp and pulled the straps off her shoulders. James smirked, too, let let his lips kiss whatever part of her skin they could. Her chest, her neck, her collar bone, shoulders and breasts. James left no spot untouched. Sadie's hands were in his hair, pulling and playing with the strands as her eyes fluttered shut and her head tilted back. Lately, this is what it had been. Neither party was complaining. Their days of rough, teenage lust-filled sex had taken a break and, in it's place came the mature, Lifetime movie love-making. It was a different sort of wonderful. But, wonderful, nonetheless.

James hands were roaming and squeezing and needing Sadie to make her move. She knew that, too, but she didn't dare touch him - not yet. If this was the last time they did this, in three months, she was going to take it slow. He kissed her jaw, mumbling against it, "Sadie, baby, do something."

"Don't be so eager, James." She breathed, pulling his head back and looking directly in his eyes, "Just appreciate the moment." He nodded, and Sadie smiled. She leaned down, the little bit that she had to, and attached her lips to his. It was a slow kiss, far from gentle, and filled with passion. Her hips started an involuntary grinding motion against his lap, and she moaned quietly into his mouth, when he started meeting her hips. But still, everything moved slowly.

The thin boxers James had on did little to hide his excitement, and Sadie's increasing heart rate betrayed her head. She need James, and quickly. She started pulling at her shorts, hoping James would get the hint. And he did, but not without a sly grin and saying, "Talk about eager, babe."

"Shut up. Kiss me. Help." Sadie breathed.

So, James did. Because he couldn't resist that tone, that hint of desperation, and the look in Sadie's eyes. He pulled down her shorts, urged her to stand on the bed, to get them completely down, and then watched as she stood there, bare, in front of him. Again, his hands were on her thighs, running against the smooth, tanned skin. He placed kisses on them, getting closer and closer to where she needed him. His fingers teased her, working along her inner thighs, coming close but never entering. Sadie's knees almost buckled, when his lips finally kissed her. James licked, and sucked, and worked expertly on Sadie's body, she was panting and moaning and saying his name. All up until she was almost at her climax, James forced her knees to give and flipped her quickly so he was on top. In a second, his boxers were off and he pushed into her - without warning.

But, when James was inside, he didn't move. Just stayed still, and breathed and looked at his girlfriend, doing the same. She closed her eyes and held onto his biceps before becoming impatient and whispering, "Move, James. God, please move."

He did. Slowly, then picking up speed. Softly, then harder and harder until Sadie was actually screaming. He couldn't tell what was louder, the bed creaking, Sadie or himself. He must have sounded like a caveman, but Sadie always praised his grunting. Honestly, it was the hottest thing she'd ever heard. He would slam against her, and grunt, and moan and whisper things like, "Fuck, Sadie." and "Baby, oh God." James' eyes were closed, and Sadie knew he was close. She rolled her hips, meeting his thrusts hungrily and with as much gusto as he was giving. She held onto his face and kissed him, fierce.

"Look at me, James, baby. Look at me." She moaned.

His eyes immediately opened, connecting with hers. There was nowhere else to look, but those brown eyes. Sadie was his world. His trying, but beautiful, harsh but perfect world. He kissed her. He couldn't stop kissing her. And then, he felt her tighten around him and moan out his name. James watched her hit her peak, then followed immediately after, "Sadie. Saaadie. Shit."

For a moment, after James started screaming, everything was silent. Like his ears stopped working. And, he couldn't remember a better time that he made love to Sadie. Each time they were together, it was better and better. But this, this would be hard to beat. They were both in need, they were both silently appreciating what could be their last time for a long time. He collapsed next to her and wrapped his arms, tightly, around Sadie. She snuggled into the crook of his neck, chaste kisses on his jaw.

And they stayed there, for a while, listening to their breath evening out. James watched Sadie's chest rise and fall, until it was even and soft. Then, he fell asleep, thanking whatever in the world brought her to him.

The next day was _the_ day. Sadie felt sick, for the majority of the morning. She didn't want to look at James, because she'd start crying. If she could pinpoint the exact moment she became such a sappy piece of shit, she'd turn back time and switch things around. But, as it was, she was in love and upset and not wanting him to leave without her. It didn't seem fair. She should go with, in theory, right? What if they needed to change something in the choreography. But, Gustavo told her they'd just have her record a change, or Skype a dance rehearsal.

It was impossible to convince that man otherwise.

James was excited, and he had every right to be. This is what he loved to do, this was his job. The concerts, the merchandise, the interviews and the fans. And, maybe Sadie was being selfish, but that last part didn't sit right with her. She didn't want to share her James with the world. He told her, "You're not. The James Diamond I am, when I'm with Sadie Grant, is completely different than the James Diamond on stage."

And, the moment when James became an insightful, mature adult, she'd never change.

She couldn't count the times she said, "I love you." That day.

Probably an identical amount of times, that he said it back.

James kept laughing at her, because Sadie would just sit and pout - hoping he'd want to stay. She knew, though, that she didn't really want him to stay. Because, what sort of life would that be for him? Cooped up in an apartment with her? Not a good one. He came up behind her, when she was pulling up her jeans, and wrapped his arms around her waist. She stood there, letting him button her pants, and then rest his hands on her still exposed stomach. He kissed her neck, her cheek and then the top of her hair, getting one last good smell of her conditioner. James breathed out a sigh, "Sadie?"

"James?" Her voice was quiet.

He turned her around, "Don't get mad at me for saying this. I shouldn't even ask -"

"I'm not going anywhere, James." She reassured him.

His gaze didn't leave hers. "This apartment isn't going to be void of Sadie when I get back?"

"Never."

"You're still going to love me?"

"Even more than before."

He kissed her, "God, I love you, Sadie Grant."

And she hugged him, "I love you, too, James Diamond."

One ride to the studio later, and Sadie holding onto James for dear life. She smiled at him, trying to seem like the proud and happy girlfriend she saw Camille being, but she wasn't used to this. Logan came up and gave her a squeeze, Kendall quickly after. Carlos was next, giving Sadie a big bear hug and then, it came down to James. She looked up at him, only for the second that she could, before he wrapped his arms around her and held her as close as he could. He kissed the top of her head, smoothed her hair and whispered, "I'll be back soon, Sades."

"I know." She mumbled against his shirt.

James lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers. He leaned down his head, a little further and whispered into her ear, "_Babe it won't be long, you're the one that I'm waiting on_." He breathed. Sadie laughed and started rocking, almost involuntarily, "_Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide._"

She pulled back and whispered, "I fucking love you, Diamond."

"I fucking love you, Sades."

Then, James kissed her one more time, picked up his backpack and headed towards the bus. Camille came over, almost immediately. She held Sadie's hand, and they waved at the tour bus pulling away until they couldn't see it anymore. Camille pulled Sadie into a hug and sighed, "You okay, Sadie?"

She nodded, "Let's go get drunk."

_"So, Big Time Rush. You're back in Los Angeles, the tour went great."_ Ryan Seacrest piped, through the stereos of Los Angeles, "_What are you most excited about, being home?"_

Kendall was the first to answer, "_The beach, of course. The California sun, you know? The east coast is nice, but the west coast is our home, now_."

Then Carlos, "_Uh, not sure. Probably...friends. You know, we've got each other, but the gang at the Palm Woods, and otherwise, we really missed_."

Logan's voice next, "_I'm going to agree; beach and friends. The general California atmosphere is great_."

And finally, the voice Sadie had been waiting to hear, "_I gotta be the one to say this, I'm a hopeless romantic, so, my girlfriend. It's been three months, you know, so I definitely miss her._"

"_Aha! And her name is..._" Ryan started.

"_Sadie. Sadie Grant._" James gave, "_She actually, she choreographed this tour._"

"_Yeah, so all the sick moves you see us doing are courtesy of Miss Sadie_." Carlos added.

Ryan laughed, "_Did her boyfriend get her the job?_"

James joined him in laughing, so did the guys, "_Eh, kind of. She's a really talented girl, though. So, that definitely helped._"

"_They're a sappy couple._" Kendall joked, _"All tour was a never-ending phone call of "I miss you babe" from him._"

Logan's laugh was most prominent, "_I'd also like to point out, that I also miss my girlfriend, Camille Roberts."_

"_Yeah,_" Carlos said, "_Between the two of them, sleeping on the bus was hard._"

"_Sounds like you guys are pretty serious about these girls, huh?_" Ryan asked, "_What do you say, James?"_

The brunette smiled, looking down at his phone and smiling at his background - a picture of Sadie doing her best monkey impression, "_Definitely. I love her to death."_

He couldn't get out of that station fast enough. The guys were practically left in a cloud of dust, deciding where to go get lunch. But, James, he had more important things on his mind. A more important person. She was waiting for him, at their home, just like she promised.

And this time, he knew it was for real.

The minute he saw that building in front of him, James smiled. He was quick to park his car, get to his floor and - not before checking himself in the hallway mirror - opening that door. And, there she stood. Smiling and crying almost immediately. She was wearing his favorite dress, looking more beautiful than the day he'd met her and James couldn't help it anymore; he cried too. Both were laced with laughter, but neither of them moved. Sadie needed to take James in, make sure he was really standing there, and James needed the same.

Finally, she whispered, "Welcome home, babe."

And he rushed over, picked her up, and kissed her as hard as he could, "I missed you so fucking much, Sadie." He said, through kisses. She only moaned and sighed and nearly died on the spot, "And now you're here."

Then, she cupped his face and pulled back, "I promised, didn't I?" She grinned.

"You promised." He nodded.

"I got you a 'Welcome Home' present." She smirked, "Come here."

Sadie pullled James into the bedroom, pointing to a picture frame hanging over their bed. He squinted and, holding her hand, edged closer to the picture. When he could make out what it was, James laughed, looked at Sadie, back to the picture, then laughed again. Because, in that frame was something too wonderful for words. A crumpled up, worn out copy of their love. Written in Sadie's handwriting, signed by James, dated two years in the past:

_James and Sadie's Rules of the Hump!  
>By James Diamond and Sadie Grant<em>

_Rule One: No pet names, nicknames, or kink names.  
>Rule Two: No late night phone calls just to talk.<br>Rule Three: No dramatic, romantic eye contact during sex.  
>Rule Four: No romantic glances, stares or daydreams – ever.<br>Rule Five: No letting it interfere with work.  
>Rule Six: No cuddling or baby talk, at any time.<br>Rule Seven: No thinking of each other while listening to romantic songs.  
>Rule Eight: No "dates".<br>Rule Nine: No chick flicks.  
>Rule ten: No telling friends.<br>Rule Eleven: No romantic foreplay, rose petals, candlelight –the works.  
>Rule Twelve: No jealousy.<em>

He kissed her, once more. "I love you, Sadie Grant."

"I love you, James Diamond."

James flipped his hair and smiled, "Forever?"

She laughed and bit her lip, "For-fucking-ever?"

And, they both laughed. Because, everything was perfect.


End file.
